I really hate myself!

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by soul31, Jun 27, 2012.

  1. soul31

    soul31 New Member

    I am 31 yr old woman with bipolar disorder. I go for months of being manic to months of being depressed. When manic I sleep around, tell people all my personal things, I completely ruin whatever career path I am on. Three years ago while manic I had a one night stand and a condom broke on us and I ended up pregnant. I always thought I couldn't have kids so when I found out I was pregnant I was actually extremely happy. Even though I didn't even know how to get in touch with the father. It was actually the first real one night stand I have had, without knowing the person at all. I did get in touch with him when I was about two months along and I only asked him to coparent if he would like to, he said no that he is not ready.

    I gave birth to my son who is two and a half now and I live with my parents who are practically raising him for me. In the meantime I managed to loose my job at the university where I taught and never finished my PhD which I had started few months before getting pregnant. I managed to write a baby book and get it published in one of my hipomanic periods when my boy was still a baby. I ended up getting engaged to a man 30 years my senior while I was manic and introduced him to everyone and planned the wedding and even had the dress made, then I realized the mistake I was about to make and backed down. The man turned out to be a complete socio-path who lied to me about everything and few months after I cancelled the wedding he ended up killing himself. Mind you he did that because he was caught presenting himself falsely everywhere and he saw no way out.

    Anyway back to me and my messed up life: I hate myself for thinking I can be a good mom and fooling myself so much in believing I can do this. I hate myself for ruining every career opportunity I have ever had because I get so irresponsible when I get manic. I hate myself because everyone thinks I am a lunatic. I even hate myself for getting all that attention from men because that messes with my head and makes me believe I am special. I hate myself for not being able to be a good girlfriend to the only man who has ever loved me and for not being able to leave my bed in days.

    I still can't believe I ever thought I could be a mother, how dumb could I be and I feel so bad for my little boy who is amazing and absolutely doesn't deserve to be stuck with me. My boyfriend of 7 months is trying his best to make me pick myself up and continue but I just don't want to, I want to wish myself into a heart attack. I used to have hope that I will one day be OK and be the person I want to be and it is just not happening and I am getting older and just increasing my raft sheet of mistakes. I am useless and I don't want to try to do anything any more.

    I see my boyfriend working hard as a doctor and planning on getting into a residency program abroad, mountain climbing, cyckling 60 miles a day, playing basketball and all these things and I am just useless and I don't even understand why he doesn't just leave me. At the same time I am freaking out that he really will... OMG what a mess even this email is a mess.

    I am stuck like never before. Nothing is left from the person I used to be, the motivated, smart and full of prospects... I want to be gone!
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi hun it is so hard when self hate takes over The thing is hun you are worthy of so much more compassiona and help to get well. I hope you reach out to the professionals around you hun ok therapist pdoc someone and try new meds whatever it takes to get you stable ok You are so worth the fight hun hugs
  3. soul31

    soul31 New Member

    I have tried and I am still on meds but they never seem to work. At this point I really don't have the money to afford a therapist which I so desperately need! My boyfriend is moving to another town on Monday for work and I will hardly ever see him and that one is hitting me right now as well. Gosh I really hate myself!