I really love my life!

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by dasismahleg, Jun 3, 2009.

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  1. dasismahleg

    dasismahleg Member

    That's the problem though.

    I have great friends, and I've always found it easy make friends. I have a girlfriend that I'm falling for. I have a 4.0 and am going to a great college.

    I've painted this picture of my life for everyone to enjoy, but it can not last.

    The reason I think of taking the elevator to the highest floor and jumping is because I'm a homosexual.

    I know many of you would feel that's not a big deal, but that's the thing. I know that if i came out I would lose all of that. I would lose my best friends, my girlfriend for obvious reasons, and my family. Plus everyone knows homosexuals aren't respected in the business world, so I would've worked so hard for nothing. Ironically suicide would lead to the same thing.

    I know my friends say they accept homosexuals, yet they make fun of the homos in my school and don't talk to many of them. Don't get me wrong my friends have done so much for me and they really are good people, it's just the way people are raised.

    My family, my older sister, younger brother, mother, and father, would definitely not accept me. They say all the time how homos will pay for their "sins" and eventually end up in hell. I don't really care for them, unlike my friends, these are bad people. I need my family to help pay for my college, my degree from this Ivy could really help me.

    My biggest problem is that I don't think I can make it. I thought I could just keep going to school and keep doing what I'm doing, but it has become so tough. I don't think I can go four years and not die.

    Plus, what happens in college? I don't think I'll be able to hide it much longer.

    Another thing, and this is going to sound messed up, but I'm so embarrassed to be gay. I feel like such a failure, almost like this is my fault. I'm not a man.

    Life is so good right now. I may be poor, but it doesn't bother me that much. I just know that this will change everything if it ever happens.

    Last bit: I have a huge family, 12 aunts/uncles from my mom's side and 8 aunts/uncles from dad's side. Each of them has at least one child and they are all married, which totals 40 aunts/uncles. On my dad's side, one of my cousins came out of the closet. He came out when I was 10 and he was 16. I don't think I have ever seen him after that. I know they told him he couldn't stay in the house and no body in the family wanted him around the kids; so they didn’t want to help him. I haven't seen him since. He did try to go back, but they didn't take him. Luckily, his dad passed away in a very painful alcohol related death, and his mom became a crack addict and his sister got pregnant at 16 and his brother is in jail for drugs. I know it's messed up to say "luckily," but they deserve it. He never got any money, but I'm sure it made him happy to see all of them crash and burn. I don't know where his life is at now, I'm sure it's pretty bad, he wasn't like me, he was a very caring older brother, I do know that, but I don't think he did too well in school.

    Wow, I never thought it would feel so good to vent like that. I've never told anyone this. I'm hoping I will be able to cope with the next few years, but it seems like I reached the top of a dark mountain, and I'm soon going to fall.

    Thank you for reading, hopefully this place will help me because I really don't want to die.
  2. jjjoooggg2

    jjjoooggg2 Well-Known Member

    I have no experience to give in this matter. But seems like you have a life worth fighting for. So do try your best.
  3. pit

    pit Well-Known Member

    All I can say is it's better to be hated for who you are than loved for who you are not. It takes less effort. No wonder you are suicidal. I'm sure if you'll be yourself, you'll find some friends who can relate to you.
  4. BriGuy

    BriGuy Antiquities Friend

    Well... I do have experience... I am gay... and lived thru coming out... dealing with those that didn't like it... and those that didn't care! Also, I had friends that also made fun of other gay people, and was not friends with any... but after I came out, they were like 'so what'... and we were still friends. Gay is NOT 'what' you are... not 'who' you are... they like YOU... no matter what! Family can be different sometimes... but you don't HAVE to tell them right away if you're scared to!

    But you are NOT a failure because you are gay... and you don't need to be embarrassed. However, you don't HAVE to come out to your family right away. If you really need them for college help, don't tell them yet.

    As for not being respected... that isn't as big of a case as it used to be. We have openly gay politicians, and MANY big businesses and companies!! So that isn't the worst thing in the world.

    I hope you will give this more thought and time. Feel free to PM me anytime, or you can reach me on MSN as well. :hug: It WILL get better! I know it may not feel that way, but it will!
  5. dasismahleg

    dasismahleg Member

    Thank you guys.

    I wish I felt that way. It just feels like everything I have will go away, and nothing I will ever get will be as good.

    I appreciate your time to hear me. I sent you a pm.

    I'm very afraid that one of my friends will tell my cousins or something along those lines. Maybe someone will do it out of spite... I don't know. I just can't tell anyone. No one knows and I doubt anyone suspects.

    Also, that's not completely the point. I know I can runaway from home one day and start a new life being gay, but I don't want to lose everything. As much as I hate my family, I don't want to lose them all. It's just I care for them, I want to be there for them. The other day I began to cry at the thought of just everyone hating me for something I can't control and I would give anything in the world to make it better. I would fix myself in a heartbeat, but I can't find the way and I pray every night God will show me.

    Today, my girlfriend left to DC for a week and after I said a few words of goodbye, while in an embrace she said, "I'm going to miss you so much, everytime I'm with you I just feel so good. Thank you for always saying the right things." I got choked up and said bye. She laughed and said, "That's so gay, and I love that." She kissed me and left in her car. I thought it was hilariously ironic and sad and cute.

    The reason I got so choked up is because she seems to always say the right thing. I care for her so much because she makes me feel like I'm just a normal person, not because we are boy and girl, but because when she says those words she is talking about me. I want to give her everything she wants, but I feel like I'll never have it.

    I hate myself.

    Few things keep me going in life and she's one of them. The worst part is she's one of those "things" that I will lose the fastest and will most likely hate me forever.
  6. mortdesinos

    mortdesinos Well-Known Member

    You may have overlooked the exact response you wanted from your girlfriend. Think about what she said to you when she left. Think about how you reacted, with your feelings of being understood. Think about the fact that you put those paragraphs in between words of self deprecation and resentment, in an overall statement of agony, but never the less they are there, and must be important for some reason. She hugged you, called your actions gay, and she said she loved that. Then she kissed you. What if you saw two people in the same scenario as yourselves and you knew the man was gay? What would you think? Put yourself in the third person for a moment. You may be envisioning the worst case scenario for yourself, which is probably not the most logical. Depression will skew reality any day.
  7. aoeu

    aoeu Well-Known Member

    Use your family to pay for university. Keep quiet about it to them. If they have no respect for who you are, they're not your family, but they've still got cash to help you pay for your education.

    You'll be moving away from them for college, right? Tell your girlfriend. You may lose the sexual aspect of your relationship, but it's probably safe to confide in her. Once you move away, you may pursue your homosexuality. And why not? It is who you are.

    And no one is going to broadcast it, so it won't affect your career... Besides, homosexuality is becoming quite a bit more accepted than in decades past. Once the old/old-fashioned businessmen die, you'll be in the clear.
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