That's the problem though. I have great friends, and I've always found it easy make friends. I have a girlfriend that I'm falling for. I have a 4.0 and am going to a great college. I've painted this picture of my life for everyone to enjoy, but it can not last. The reason I think of taking the elevator to the highest floor and jumping is because I'm a homosexual. I know many of you would feel that's not a big deal, but that's the thing. I know that if i came out I would lose all of that. I would lose my best friends, my girlfriend for obvious reasons, and my family. Plus everyone knows homosexuals aren't respected in the business world, so I would've worked so hard for nothing. Ironically suicide would lead to the same thing. I know my friends say they accept homosexuals, yet they make fun of the homos in my school and don't talk to many of them. Don't get me wrong my friends have done so much for me and they really are good people, it's just the way people are raised. My family, my older sister, younger brother, mother, and father, would definitely not accept me. They say all the time how homos will pay for their "sins" and eventually end up in hell. I don't really care for them, unlike my friends, these are bad people. I need my family to help pay for my college, my degree from this Ivy could really help me. My biggest problem is that I don't think I can make it. I thought I could just keep going to school and keep doing what I'm doing, but it has become so tough. I don't think I can go four years and not die. Plus, what happens in college? I don't think I'll be able to hide it much longer. Another thing, and this is going to sound messed up, but I'm so embarrassed to be gay. I feel like such a failure, almost like this is my fault. I'm not a man. Life is so good right now. I may be poor, but it doesn't bother me that much. I just know that this will change everything if it ever happens. Last bit: I have a huge family, 12 aunts/uncles from my mom's side and 8 aunts/uncles from dad's side. Each of them has at least one child and they are all married, which totals 40 aunts/uncles. On my dad's side, one of my cousins came out of the closet. He came out when I was 10 and he was 16. I don't think I have ever seen him after that. I know they told him he couldn't stay in the house and no body in the family wanted him around the kids; so they didn’t want to help him. I haven't seen him since. He did try to go back, but they didn't take him. Luckily, his dad passed away in a very painful alcohol related death, and his mom became a crack addict and his sister got pregnant at 16 and his brother is in jail for drugs. I know it's messed up to say "luckily," but they deserve it. He never got any money, but I'm sure it made him happy to see all of them crash and burn. I don't know where his life is at now, I'm sure it's pretty bad, he wasn't like me, he was a very caring older brother, I do know that, but I don't think he did too well in school. Wow, I never thought it would feel so good to vent like that. I've never told anyone this. I'm hoping I will be able to cope with the next few years, but it seems like I reached the top of a dark mountain, and I'm soon going to fall. Thank you for reading, hopefully this place will help me because I really don't want to die.