I really messed up this time

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by no_way_out1983, Jul 30, 2013.

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  1. Hello -

    I found this forum looking for methods and figured I might give it a shot despite my plans. I am seriously considering suicide due to a terrible lapse in judgement which will almost certainly cause me to lose my job that I just got a few months ago after a year and a half of being out of work. The issue here is that I lied to an HR person about an illness that I'm dealing with and I've been forced to backpeddle with so many other lies (and even forgeries) to get myself out of it, I doubt I'll have any chance of salvaging my job. Even if I did, I doubt anyone would trust me ever again, which probably makes my working there a moot point. I told my HR person I had a condition that caused a huge controversy at work due to the nature of the business that prompted requests for medical records and a clearance letter to return to work. I lied about going to the hospital, and I lied about the condition in order to get some sympathy as I expected to be in trouble due to my battle with real illness last week that made it difficult to perform my duties effectively while my supervisor was on vacation. I had to continue to lie to support my original BS story causing me to essentially put myself in a very bad corner here with no way of getting out.

    I can't go back to being unemployed again - I have no unemployment insurance due to the fact that I did not work at this job long enough and the previous claim was already exhausted. I have no way to pay my bills and no way to maintain any sort of existence beyond meager savings which will quickly run out with all the bills I must pay. I'm lonely, extremely depressed, and altogether ashamed of myself and what I've done here and I want nothing more than to end my life to escape the inevitable dire consequences of my actions. I realize this may be considered weak, but I'm in no way a strong person. This act would probably upset my only parent, my father, but that just doesn't seem to keep me from moving forward with planning.

    I feel I have little to live for and I can't seem to muster the strength to keep going if only to prevent pain to others. I'm selfish, I know, but also terribly disheartened, lonely, and desperate.

    Thanks for reading....
  2. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    This forum is aimed for a pro-life peer to peer support. Methods are not to be shared as per the FAQ - it would be worth you reading them.

    I personally believe you ought to at least make your father aware that you have done this. He may give you a hard time over it, but people can change and they can learn from mistakes. Maybe he can even help you get into some sort of professional help regarding this, and possibly get a roof over your head if you live separately.

    Running away from problems never solves them. They tend to escalate further - and I'd recommend you also read the "Loved and Lost" sub forum - the impact of the loss of a family member is far greater than people in the depression would believe.

    Regarding the job side, you'd be lucky if you only lost that given your description of your own actions. Forgery is fraud, considered illegal, and people who are caught can even spend some time in jail. So while the short term outlook could be bleak, some people do change. Some criminals (or felons), start from scratch and are highly limited at what work is then available to them (criminal records), but work their way out of it.
  3. Mayflower7

    Mayflower7 Banned Member

    Hi No way out,
    Sorry you are in this situation, it's happened and you have to be honest with your employer.
    Tell them how sorry you are, and it will never happen again, I don't know if your medical condition prevents you working at your current job. I do not know if you lied on your health questionnaire or what paperwork. You have to do as your employer wants, show how hard you work etc and hopefully will forgive you. You may have breached your contract and your employer may let you go. Talk to them and find out.
    Can you claim social unemployment benefits if you lose this job? They will asses you. Life is hard and people make mistakes, don't end your life over this.
    I hope all goes well, please see your dr if you still feel so low for treatment otions.
    Take care
  4. frantic

    frantic Well-Known Member

    i'm sorry about what happened. you know you made amistake, can you try talking to your employer, explain the situation, and ask for a second chance, maybe kind of a "probation" period where you can prove how valuable you are to the company, that you are more than capable of doing this job? explain how ashamed you are of your actions?
    i completely understand the unemployment thing. i really do.

    and as a parent, i can tell you that the biggest fear in the life of a parent is to lose a child. i'm sure your father would be beyond devestated. it's something he would never get over. he would blame himself for the rest of his life. as a parent, all we want is for our children to be happy. please talk to him, he might be able to help you in some way. like someone else said, his initial reaction might be not too positive, but he is your father, he loves you, i'm sure he will do anything he can to help you get through this. please don't do this to your father, you have no idea how much our children mean to us.

    i know it's easier said than done, but you fell, try to get back up, dust yourself off, and face whatever is going to come. i also believe that everything ahppens for a reason. what seems like the end of the world now, might turn out to be the best thing ever some time down the road. if you do lose your job, maybe your dream job is just waiting for you. maybe being honest will show your current employer that you have learned from your mistake and you're willing to do anything to show him that you ARE trustworthy.

    good luck, i hope you reconsider and everything turns out well for you. (((hugs)))
  5. Thanks for all your replies. I did get the call here today that I was terminated though no mention was made of the reason why (in this state, there is no need to provide one anyway). I haven't the faintest idea what I'm going to do here to meet my obligations to my creditors. It's going to be nearly impossible to survive financially beyond a few months since I cannot collect unemployment due to the short length of my employment with the company and the elimination of the last tier of emergency unemployment on my previous claim. My choices now seem to be homelessness or an early exit since finding a new job will now be nearly impossible given I cannot report my employment with the firm I was most recently working for due to this incident. The length of my apparent unemployment will exclude me from anything. I've essentially destroyed my career and any prospects I may have had. I feel terrible about all of this and I realize the mistake I've made - the question now is how to (or not to) go forward.

    In any case, I thank you for your time in reading my post(s) and posting your replies. It is appreciated.
  6. frantic

    frantic Well-Known Member

    i'm so sorry. i was hoping for a better outcome. but like i said before, eveyting happens for a reason. don't give up now. you never konw how close you are to a total turnaround. "don't give up five minutes before the miracle happens".
    keep looking for work. it is not impossible to find work. my husbamd was unemployed for two years, no unemployment benefits. he has found work now, nothing fancy, but it's income, not much, but it's better than nothing. we made it through those two years. it is still rough, it's going to be a long time before we recover from this financially, but it can be done. during those two years we sold everything we had. everything. we were sleeping on the floor, we didn't hvae a tv, no furniture except for our dining room table. everythign that was worth something was gone. we lost a lot of important things. the only thing we did not touch was the children's things. they do'nt need to pay for this. my son was going to a really nice charter school at the time, for the "smart kid" like him. it took us a long time to get a place there for him. he didn't go there long and we had to take him out because we didn't have the money for the gas to get him there and pick him up. so he had to go back to his old school. killed me. we had a hard time keeping food on the table, but we made it. nobody starved. we have lost our house, our cars, everything. but we are rebuilding. and so can you. don't give up! baby steps. for now, focus on yourself and finding work. consider relocating if that's possible if there is employment somewhere else.

    i hope it all works out for you.
  7. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    Start by being honest with your father? As I mentioned before, he might not be best pleased, but with limited options available to you right now, it seems like the first step towards moving forward.

    Many people change career paths, going back to school and such, that all is not lost. You may find something else you are interested in. But do be wary. Something like this may have significant consequences - as you are aware - that it's made harder. I'd be grateful not to be in jail for fraud....
  8. Count Floyd

    Count Floyd Well-Known Member

    What about bankruptcy? This could clear up a lot of problems for you. Have you considered this route?
  9. I did find a new job about 30 days after my followup post and am currently working there. In the interim I went to see some family out of state to clear my head...it was a horrible experience and I had perhaps the worst interaction I've ever had with a family member in my whole life. The experience was really so bad, it immediately prompted suicidal thoughts which continue to this day...I'm still in complete shambles over the incident 26 days later. It's very likely going to have to happen here...I just need to run out the clock on my contestability clause on my life insurance to get them to pay out my policy. Financial issues and everything else aside, I'm at my literal breaking point here...I haven't spoken to another human being beyond my co-workers in 3 weeks and am so brutally depressed given the aforementioned incident, I simply can't see myself functioning in any capacity for very much longer. What's funny yet not surprising is the fact that though I've fallen completely off the face of the planet to my family and friends, no one gives a hoot enough to even try to call me - pretty shining example of why it would seem evident this is more or less a non-issue. No one cares whether I'm breathing anyway, least of all me. Suffice to say my demise would bring little more than a moderate inconvenience to those tasked with my arrangements after which they can return to their "normal" lives and think of me as much as they do now - not at all.
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