I really need help

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Soldier83, Jan 25, 2013.

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  1. Soldier83

    Soldier83 Well-Known Member

    things have gotten worse now, I look longingly at every available way I have to off myself. I'm running out of reasons not to do it. I tried to talk to a shrink, but unless I have $150 on hand he wont see me. I sob constantly when I am alone. I have to put on a smile and dance around so my wife wont worry about it. I cant get a job anywhere, were getting evicted out of our house. I have nothing to eat, except for ramen noodles. I etched my name into <edit mod total eclipse method>and carry it with my at all times, its comforting. I know how bad that sounds, but its like a security blanket. The loneliness I feel in my heart gets worse everyday. Its getting hard to function without letting the sorrow affect me. I really dont want anyone's pity or comforting words about how I should stay alive for my children's sake. It makes the feeling I have worse. I dont want to be like this, I dont want to carry a weight on my chest. I dont want to break into tears every time I pass a <edit mod method> in the hardware section. I want to be happy, I want to be motivated, I want to wake up everyday with the feeling that today is a good day, I just cant. I secretly think about <edit mod method> that I live close to, tho I know that will be omitted I just needed to tell someone.

    I am a coward.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 25, 2013
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    There are other ways of getting therapy hun you can go to a university near you and get therapy from new students that are graduation that are eager to take on new clients they will charge so much less. You can talk to a lay person a church person who is also trained to help people. Talk to your doctor get your meds changed up if they are not working now.
    You are not a coward hun it take strength to reach out for help like you are doing here hugs
     
  3. Soldier83

    Soldier83 Well-Known Member

    I'm not on nor have I ever been on any meds, mostly I've been keeping this a secret my whole life. I dont remember a time that I didn't feel like this, but I've been setting this feeling aside for as long as I can remember as well.
     
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Oh hun perhaps now hun is time to reach out ok so you do not have to struggle anymore with all the sadness inside you hugs
     
  5. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Hey Soldier83. I notice that you live in the USA. When I needed help I called 211. Thats the united way. They have hugeeeeeeeee listings of all kinds of resources for people who need assistance. I really hope you will call them. I had to call more than once. Different people thought of different resoouces. Finally one person came up with something perfect for me. I hope you will do that. And if you are a vet,. thank you for all you have done. And please let them know when you call that you have served.
     
  6. oval

    oval Well-Known Member

    since your screen name is solider, and this may not be too much help and not what you want to hear in times of deep depression and hopelessness, but...
    if you are looking for a job, home depot and walmart are exclusively hiring vets at the moment. from what i know this is nation wide. i know, not incredibly desirable jobs but something.
    also, could you possibly see a therapist through the VA?
     
  7. Soldier83

    Soldier83 Well-Known Member

    I've re-written what I was going to way about 3 times now, its somehow always sounds like whining. Suffice it to say that I have problems with no help, and no foreseeable help in the future. Tho I'm trying to make a future for myself it isin't going to happen, I know that I shouldn't give up, that I should keep trying, but there are only so many times you can tell yourself that it's going to get better before you realize that your lying to yourself. I'm tired of lying, tired of waking up with the same pain in my heart everyday. I'm tired of waking up knowing that today is worse than the last. I'm just tired
     
  8. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni


    It is time to explore the professional help methods through doctors/therapy. You are in the USA, there are mental health clinics that won't charge you anything. If I recall too, aren't you former military? What about the VA?
     
  9. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    I am sorry things are so painful. I would not wish that pain on anyone. but of course so many live with intense pain. How sad, indeed. May I ask you a question.... or two? Are you a veteran? And also did you call 211 to ask united way what resources are avalable in your area? I know from first hand expereince that sometimes I become unable to even take action while assuming that there is nothing out there that can help. Or maybe i am too depressed or hopeless to even bother to reach out yet again.

    If thats whats going on, do you think there might be someone who could help you to find something to help? You seem like a great person. I dont want you to give up.
     
  10. Slange

    Slange Member

    Hi Soldier83,

    You are not a coward at all! Cowards don't reach out for help or share their feelings as honestly as you. You just haven't found a way yet to address your pain and anxiety. You will though, if you keep looking, and the Internet is a good place to research what you need to do and it's a good place to find company and empathy. This $150 fee is crazy. Please find another therapist. Do you have insurance? If not there are still a lot of options for free or affordable therapy. Maybe you live in a small town? Can you drive to a nearby city? I know some therapists can help you over the phone.
     
  11. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    This is so very true !
     
  12. Soldier83

    Soldier83 Well-Known Member

    I'm just so tired of working day in and day out without anything to show for it. And I have NEVER talked to anyone about this before. I am almost thirty and I have been trying to off myself since I was eight. Thats why I am a coward, I cant ever find the nerve to do it.
     
  13. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    I define things differently than you. It takes courage ( not cowardice) to live. And to keep trying to get help. That's my definition of true courage.
     
  14. Soldier83

    Soldier83 Well-Known Member

    No true courage is running down on the barbwire fence so that others can walk over you, I am dragging my ENTIRE family down into the pit with me. That cannot happen, two years they will be sad. Ten years they will have moved on, since I drove my mother and father apart all I do is hurt the ones I love. I am tired of hurting them just so I can limp on.
     
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