I really need some advice, some guidance...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Israel Regardie, Jul 7, 2012.

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  1. Israel Regardie

    Israel Regardie Active Member

    I think I am having a nervous breakdown. I'm getting more and more paranoid and feel that I shouldn't continue.

    Presently I am working a summer job at a warehouse in order to make money. Being an artist, this is not my usual scene, but I have tried to power through and just get it over with. Five weeks down, five more to go.
    But it is becoming clear that I am disliked and that people are actively working against me.
    I'm shy. Painfully so. People at work know very little about me, since I don't talk to anyone, and I think a lot of them think that I am a new permanent worker...
    Anyway. It seems that people have taken my silence and withdrawn nature as being arrogant and rude.
    My shyness makes it hard to say good morning in the morning, and it is increased since a warehouse is populated with macho, butch and strong men, who do not tolerate weakness or any break from traditional gender roles... I feel like some awful effeminate child in a high school... completely out of place.
    People have started sending me evil looks.
    It all culminated this friday when somebody, I don't know whom, stole my work gloves. Not once, but twice; Each time I went for my break. Then they stole my worksheet, which shows how much work I have done and which is delivered to the boss at the end of the day; This too was stolen, twice.
    It's clear someone is either trying to make my life hell, or trying to get me fired. Again, this person clearly thinks I'm a new permanent worker. Had I been such, I could understand; Had it been a permanent job I surely would have made more of an effort; But as it is, it's temporary and I just want to get it over with.

    Today, driving to town, a car passed me on the road, and as the driver past he rolled down his window and gave me the finger. It wasn't so much the gesture as the look... Pure evil.

    People hate me. I'm all alone, no friends, and with a girlfriend miles away.
    I cannot take this anymore. I'm shy, that's all, why must people interpret that as some rude gesture? Why do people conspire against me when I do nothing at all to them?
    How is one supposed to deal with these kinds of things?

    Being attacked like this only increases my desire to be alone, isolated, and even more so, increased my sense of being an outsider, thus making me more shy and alone...
    I miss my ex, the only person who made me feel accepted.
    But I will never be accepted. And people will force personalities upon me, making be into some evil character....

    Has anyone experienced similar things? What do you do if the cashier's evil look to you ruins your day, your week? When you are so vulnerable and easily destroyed?

    Namaste,
    I.S
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Have you explained to your employer what is happening that these idiots are harassing you this is against the law and it can be stopped Let them know that youare just there temporary and will be gone in 5 weeks maybe they will let up then You will be accepted hun you just need to find people like yourself who understands where you are at hugs
     
  3. Israel Regardie

    Israel Regardie Active Member

    Thank you. That last part is so true, tho sadly, often one does not choose ones circumstance... I would love to be a chameleon, and fit in everywhere, but.. I'm not. That is why I love my studies, and being in a group where my flaws as a human are made up for by my abilities as a creative person...
    I want to just shrug off those people... but has anyone ever been able to do so? I mean in the moment and the surrounding days?
     
  4. callalilly

    callalilly Member

    I'm ostracized by my neighbors who are always getting together with neighborhood parties. I don't even like parties, but it is hurtful to see them getting together and never inviting me. It is literally the people to my left, right and the 3 places directly across from me. They are all around me, drinking, laughing, enjoying each other's company. I work outside in my garden and they walk right by me on the way to each other's houses without ever saying, "hey, you wanna come?" It gets so I'm embarrassed to even be outside in my own yard, I hate being passed by. I wouldn't even come if they asked, I just would like them to make a polite effort.

    I force myself to go outside and do my own thing, hold my head up. I tell myself constantly that I'm too creative, too eccentric and simply too interesting to bother. I prefer my own company, I truly do, but I know how hard it is to be an outsider, even in a world of creeps.

    Focus on yourself and what you do that is creative. Believe in that. Good luck to you!
     
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