Hi. This is my first post. I found this forum because my stomach has been in knots all day and I'm desparate for help. I posted on another site earlier and I'm going to copy and paste if that's ok: I was dx'd with bipolar 1 when I was 14. I attempted suicide when I was 15.I'm 25 now. I've had 3 full-on manic episodes, and most of the rest of the time I've been very depressed. It goes up and down, and right now, I'm very down. Medicine hasn't ever helped too much. I've had ECT and it didn't do anything. I've been very compliant with my doctors... taking vitamins, eating better, etc. I've also made myself socialize some, and that's very hard for me. I don't know why I'm still like this, it should be better. It seems so hopeless. My suicidal thoughts had decreased over the past week or two. I quit thinking about it so much. But 2 days ago, it all came back. I didn't realize it at first. But last night I recognized that I'm thinking of it a lot again. I used to imagine what it would be like. I would picture myself slowly dying and how it would be when my husband walked in. Those thoughts were very uncomfortable. However, the thoughts are different this time. I'm not picturing my death so much as weighing my options. Wondering if I should or shouldn't, not just thinking of how it would be. I find myself feeling like nothing will ever get better, which is crazy, because I have a wonderful, loving family and hardly any worries. So what should I be sad about? It's stupid. I hardly ever cry. But last night I found myself tearing up when I was reading a page on what causes a person to commit suicide. I thought to myself, as sad as it makes me, I'll probably have no choice than to do it one day. Isn't this an even worse way to think? Isn't this even more serious? Actually weighing the options rather than picturing it? I'm not sure. It's not that I don't want to die, I think I do. But I can't because of my kids. It makes me so sad when I think of how they would be affected. My dr. told me children of parents who committed suicide are more likely to do it themselves. I imagine the look on their faces when they would find out and I can't take it. But how do I live like this? I can't go to the hospital. I have 2 kids and my family is already worn out because they have to drive me everywhere as I've been having seizures (epilepsy). I don't think they would take me seriously when I tell them what I'm thinking, because I've been to the hospital for it 4 times in the past 5 years, 3 being this summer. It's not that I've wanted to go, because I can't stand being away from my kids and husband. I hate going, and only use it as a last resort. They would be fed up and I can't take that. It would make me feel even worse than I already do. Plus, I don't really know if I'm even at risk. I'm not threatening suicide, please don't think that. I don't know how serious it is. I don't have any insight to it, and if someone could tell me how serious this looks (if they're just thoughts or if it sounds like I'm at a real risk) it would be a major help. I know I'm the only one that knows for sure, but the problem is, I don't know. I'm not thinking very clearly. I just want a peer's thoughts I guess. I'm making an appt. w/ my therapist tomorrow, I just need someone to talk to until then.