I really need someone to talk to

[dusk]

Hi. This is my first post. I found this forum because my stomach has been in knots all day and I'm desparate for help. I posted on another site earlier and I'm going to copy and paste if that's ok:

I was dx'd with bipolar 1 when I was 14. I attempted suicide when I was 15.I'm 25 now. I've had 3 full-on manic episodes, and most of the rest of the time I've been very depressed. It goes up and down, and right now, I'm very down. Medicine hasn't ever helped too much. I've had ECT and it didn't do anything. I've been very compliant with my doctors... taking vitamins, eating better, etc. I've also made myself socialize some, and that's very hard for me. I don't know why I'm still like this, it should be better. It seems so hopeless.

My suicidal thoughts had decreased over the past week or two. I quit thinking about it so much. But 2 days ago, it all came back. I didn't realize it at first. But last night I recognized that I'm thinking of it a lot again. I used to imagine what it would be like. I would picture myself slowly dying and how it would be when my husband walked in. Those thoughts were very uncomfortable. However, the thoughts are different this time. I'm not picturing my death so much as weighing my options. Wondering if I should or shouldn't, not just thinking of how it would be.


I find myself feeling like nothing will ever get better, which is crazy, because I have a wonderful, loving family and hardly any worries. So what should I be sad about? It's stupid. I hardly ever cry. But last night I found myself tearing up when I was reading a page on what causes a person to commit suicide. I thought to myself, as sad as it makes me, I'll probably have no choice than to do it one day.


Isn't this an even worse way to think? Isn't this even more serious? Actually weighing the options rather than picturing it? I'm not sure. It's not that I don't want to die, I think I do. But I can't because of my kids. It makes me so sad when I think of how they would be affected. My dr. told me children of parents who committed suicide are more likely to do it themselves. I imagine the look on their faces when they would find out and I can't take it. But how do I live like this?

I can't go to the hospital. I have 2 kids and my family is already worn out because they have to drive me everywhere as I've been having seizures (epilepsy). I don't think they would take me seriously when I tell them what I'm thinking, because I've been to the hospital for it 4 times in the past 5 years, 3 being this summer. It's not that I've wanted to go, because I can't stand being away from my kids and husband. I hate going, and only use it as a last resort. They would be fed up and I can't take that. It would make me feel even worse than I already do. Plus, I don't really know if I'm even at risk.

I'm not threatening suicide, please don't think that. I don't know how serious it is. I don't have any insight to it, and if someone could tell me how serious this looks (if they're just thoughts or if it sounds like I'm at a real risk) it would be a major help. I know I'm the only one that knows for sure, but the problem is, I don't know. I'm not thinking very clearly. I just want a peer's thoughts I guess. I'm making an appt. w/ my therapist tomorrow, I just need someone to talk to until then.

 

[Moat]

Only you can know if you are truely at risk of suicide, but from what I have gathered from your post, yours is more on the focus as an outlet, that within you, you view suicide as a way of killing all of the negative thoughts qnd emotions you feel without actually goung through it yourself.
As you said, you have children and a husband to think about as well as a loving family, you pay attention to your GP's instructions, seek out help when you feel at an all-time low and do everything you can to stave off such thoughts. so do I think you will really get so far as to walk down that path and suicide? No. What I feel most from you is that no matter how hard things feel for you, you are a stronger person than most who will give everything a good fight and never let yourself give in to temptations.

 

[total eclipse]

I think talking here will help you unload some of those thoughts hun it helps to have a outlet like this one. Also even if you can have a crisis number available to call just to calm you mind it will help too. I do think there are newer meds out now to help you Talk to your doc about getting on the new meds with additions to them Nice to see you reaching out here hun keep reaching out okay hugs

 

[dusk]

Thank you so much for your caring responses. They made me feel better.

I don't know if I can trust myself some days.

 

[sollepus]

Dusk, you are in a good place. I am new as well. Also, I'm the same age.

My guess is if you are here, you have some problem that needs to be addressed. I have only recently gained the courage to tell people about my problems.

So congratulations and welcome. You have taken the first step toward getting better. You will find some wonderful and highly supportive people who understand just what you're going through. That's my favorite part. I don't feel like I'm going to be judged for anything I say here.

Also, feel free to private message me if you want to talk (and I did an introduction post, too, if you want to know more about me).

Just know this is a super supportive community. I know it's helping me already. s*

 

[total eclipse]

Keep posting okay let us know how you are doing how we can help always here if you just need someone to talk to hun hugs

 

[Stranger1]

Hey Dusk, I take when someone talks about suicide very serious... You never know one little thing can trigger them.. You are doing the right thing talking to a therapist..You should get a pdoc though.. They are more informed on psychiatrac meds than a regular GP.I wish you all the best and keep talking here.. No one knows who you are so you can vent your frustrations just no methods..Take Care!!

 

[dusk]

Thanks you all This is an awesome place.

I have a psychiatrist, sorry I should have mentioned that. It seems like one med will work for a little bit and then it quits having any effect.