I really, really, REALLY want to kill myself, but I can't...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Lahriman, Sep 19, 2014.

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  1. Lahriman

    Lahriman New Member

    I really, really, really want to kill myself. But I can't...

    And I won't. Why? Because of my family, friends and enemies.

    Enemies you say? Why?? I'll explain in a minute. First let's cover my family, who care about me and are rooting for me no matter what. No matter how shitty... How would they feel if I blew my brains out? And especially my parents? I can't imagine their pain, embarrassment and overwhelming feelings of failure if I were to kill myself. And my friends? They're all fighting their own battles too. Everyone is, right? How come they continue to fight and I give up? We're in this together aren't we? Let's help each other out. When I think about my friends, how they are there for me and how devastated they would be if I just threw it all away... Maybe it would cause them to re-evaluate their struggle... cause them to fall in a self-destructive cycle...I can't be responsible for that...
    And now the main reason: My ENEMIES. My suicide would be the ultimate victory for them. And i can't imagine how they would talk to mutual friends/family members and masquerade empathic. Saying things like "Dude, he was too weak. He let you down. He let all of us down." , or , "He was a loser anyway. Look how much he hurt you and everyone around him. Don't you wish you never met him?". Or, the worst of all, talking to my parents about my self-offing and being so bold as to say something like "If you would have raised him better he wouldn't have killed himself." or "He's dead because you failed as parents."....No. Over my dead body, which ain't gonna happen because I'm simply not selfish enough. Although I sometimes wish I was. Like I said: I really, really, REALLY want to kill myself, but I can't. And I won't. Success in life is the ultimate revenge, and it WILL be mine!

  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I hear you and i too often say i cannot let them win the ones that harm that cause pain they win if we leave i won't let them win and i too stay for my family after my brother left us suicide the pain was so horrific i could not could not do that to this family again and yes yes i want to leave i want to leave so badly but i can't i just cannot harm them i cant

    I am glad you can continue to fight and to stay here for your family hold onto their love ok
  3. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Life is IMPORTANT. You MUST NOT DO ANYTHING as you need to focus on LIFE. People judge you but do not take their feelings or judgement to heart. You deserve to live your life as you like. I am so sorry that you feel so low. Tryst me over time you will get better but you need to focus on recovering one day at a time.
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