I really should.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by AsphyxiateOnMisery, Aug 30, 2012.

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  1. AsphyxiateOnMisery

    AsphyxiateOnMisery Well-Known Member

    I'm tired of being in pain and this whole "life on life's terms" bullshit because the moment I start getting comfortable and thinking I've got shit under control, I'm reminded that I don't have a damn fucking thing under control and that something will always come up to make me feel like a worthless piece of shit. And you know what? That's exactly what I am and life will never let me forget that. This is so fucking retarded. This whole "life is good sober" crap people are throwing at me...I don't believe it for a second. My life has sucked for the past 8 years, way before I started using. And you know what, it kind of sucked before that too, I just hadn't realized it yet at that point. So how the fuck is anyone going to look me in the face and tell me it'll get better? Seriously, how? Because I have proof based on previous experience that life sucks sober, too. And yes, I said "too" because it's not great when I'm high. Anymore. It's only a tiny bit better until the high wears off. So is it worth it? To go cop and risk getting arrested and then stick a needle in my arm, feel better for a couple of hours, and then feel worse afterward? No, not really. But that's why there's another option. There's a little voice inside me saying, "Go get it...but don't get high. Slam that shit all at once. That'll guarantee two things: you'll never get high again, and you'll never be in pain again".
     
  2. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    Oh my no, don't live life on life's terms. Create your own terms and make life fit around it. It's not too difficult to do, but being sober is probably the first step toward seeking wellness.
     
  3. AsphyxiateOnMisery

    AsphyxiateOnMisery Well-Known Member

    There is no possible way that I can make life adjust to me; I have to adjust to it in order to survive. There's too much random bullshit that I simply have no control over. It's that fucking powerlessness shit they keep throwing at me in NA. And sure, I admit I'm powerless. Whoopee! I've done the fucking first step. Do I feel any better though knowing I have no control? Fuck no. I feel worse. I felt better deluding myself that I did have it because then I didn't feel so fucking helpless at least. But my god, I want to get high and there is NOTHING I can do about it except either go cop or not. And if I don't, this fucking pain won't go away. Possibly ever. If I do, it'll go away and then come back at full force. What the fuck? Like, it only makes sense to die as a sure fire way to make it stop.
     
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