I'm tired of being in pain and this whole "life on life's terms" bullshit because the moment I start getting comfortable and thinking I've got shit under control, I'm reminded that I don't have a damn fucking thing under control and that something will always come up to make me feel like a worthless piece of shit. And you know what? That's exactly what I am and life will never let me forget that. This is so fucking retarded. This whole "life is good sober" crap people are throwing at me...I don't believe it for a second. My life has sucked for the past 8 years, way before I started using. And you know what, it kind of sucked before that too, I just hadn't realized it yet at that point. So how the fuck is anyone going to look me in the face and tell me it'll get better? Seriously, how? Because I have proof based on previous experience that life sucks sober, too. And yes, I said "too" because it's not great when I'm high. Anymore. It's only a tiny bit better until the high wears off. So is it worth it? To go cop and risk getting arrested and then stick a needle in my arm, feel better for a couple of hours, and then feel worse afterward? No, not really. But that's why there's another option. There's a little voice inside me saying, "Go get it...but don't get high. Slam that shit all at once. That'll guarantee two things: you'll never get high again, and you'll never be in pain again".