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I really suck.

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by JD4010, Feb 16, 2018.

  1. JD4010

    JD4010 Well-Known Member

    I got divorced 3 years ago, after 30 years of marriage. It was a horribly toxic relationship that pushed me to the point of being suicidal.

    Recently, I've been chatting with a woman from the Philippines. A friend of mine introduced us. We really hit it off at first. This was back in September. I was even looking at ways to get over to see her. But in the back of my mind, I knew I wouldn't be able to afford the adventure. I have no $$$$. And I sure couldn't afford to marry her and bring her back to the US. She would love to move here, as the conditions where she's at aren't very good.

    When it comes down to it, I'm not deeply in love with her. I know that sounds callous. But I'm not...and now I feel this horrible guilt. I am a terrible POS for continuing the relationship, I think. But I also don't think I could make it work, especially in my depressed state. It's all I can do to keep myself in line, let alone having to deal with another person…

    Honestly, I don't want to have a relationship right now, with her or anyone else. I'm not in any kind of mental shape for it. It has dawned on me lately that I "need" to be single. I don't want to inflict myself on others, and I don't want to obligated either.

    But I also don't want to break this woman's heart. Of course, if I continue the relationship, it will be just that much harder down the road. I tried to fall in love with her but couldn't do it. She says she loves me a lot and I don't doubt it. So I get to be the bastard who calls it off because I can't carry on with it.

    It's going to break her heart. I'm feeling suicidal over this.

    I hate this. I suck.
  2. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    I don't think you suck. It's just that you're dealing with competing impulses.

    Sometimes there's a way to harmonize things so that it works out.

    So one thing you could do is visit her in the Philippines every so often. That way you could have some contact with her but not have the pressure of having a full-time relationship.

    Tickets to Asia aren't cheap, but if you fly out of a major air hub like NYC and take some stop-overs, round-trip tickets under $500 are out there (I'm not sure about the Philippines in particular though).

    If she wants to work in the states, you might be able to marry her so that she can get here, but not cohabitate right away.
  3. Paisley

    Paisley * * * SF Artist SF Supporter

    I don't mean to be callous, but after a 30 year marriage, giving yourself some time to decompress from your last relationship would be helpful. If you try and explain that relationships are still raw for you, it might allow her to understand and not take it as hard.
    Winter Blues likes this.
  4. Dawn

    Dawn Well-Known Member

    I am sure that she wouldn't want u to feel this way. It's not your fault u can't do this. Hopefully, she will understand. It is probably best to cut it off now rather than later. Please try not to beat yourself up over it. Easier said than done I know. But it is not like u did all of this on purpose.
  5. Dawn

    Dawn Well-Known Member

    Obviously, I didn't mean to post twice. Sorry about that

    I hope that u feel better soon
  6. JD4010

    JD4010 Well-Known Member

    Thanks everyone. I think she is "getting it" that I'm not running very hot with the relationship. We had a nice chat earlier today...she was genuinely curious about my depression. She learned the term "anhedonia"--something which I suffer from as well.
    may71, Winter Blues and Dawn like this.
  7. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Break it to her gently, explain to her you need space and take it from there, depression is no walk in the park without added on features, I really hope things improve for you, you deserve them to but for now focus on getting yourself well first, maybe tell her you are too depressed and don't want to inflict pain on her by getting up her hopes in X months down the line. Do what is best for you, you are your number one priority. Don't forget that.
    Winter Blues likes this.
  8. JD4010

    JD4010 Well-Known Member

    Thanks. I tried explaining depression to her earlier today. She still thinks it's only a matter of "attitude". If only I could be more positive. Don't always look on the negative side of things. Life isn't always fair. Etc. etc. etc. She is a more religious person that I am. I think her faith keeps her buoyed in times of distress. God and I haven't seen eye to eye for decades now.
  9. Walker

    Walker Everything Zen Staff Member Safety & Support SF Social Media SF Supporter

    Dude. It's a favor to break up with her. You're not feeling it and she should move along to someone who is. Don't string her along, friend. It's good for you both to knock this down to a friendship level.
    Paisley and JD4010 like this.
  10. JD4010

    JD4010 Well-Known Member

    Your response makes sense here. I keep going round and round with this issue, struggling with my selfish feelings.
  11. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    I don't necessarily agree that breaking up with her is the right thing to do. I don't necessarily think it's the wrong thing to do.

    With any relationship, you have to weigh the good and the bad to decide whether it's worthwhile.
  12. LonelyHiker

    LonelyHiker Waitering for Godot

    Hello JD! Nice to see a familiar face here. Hope things are going better for you these days my friend..
  13. JD4010

    JD4010 Well-Known Member

    Same to you, my friend!