Today i turn 25 years old, and im very suprised i lasted this long...really i dont even think its real yet. I have been trying to clean up myself since the new year..i quit smoking cigs a habbit ive had for over 10 years, ive been cig free for 4 weeks today (the gum works). I have not smoked pot in about 5 weeks and i have not done mushrooms in about 2 weeks. And its been over 2 years since ive done coke. I still drink 3 times a week, but i really love going to my bar so im gonna stick with this vice for awhile. Im back in school finishing a education degree, and keeping sorta busy. But, i quit seeing my shrink who was a moron anyway and quit my antidepressant pills. Im getting these flashback things and dreams now, it wakes me up when i sleep and it bothers me durning the day. It seems when i close my eyes i get them. I keep getting images/dreams of shooting myself in the head. But sometimes i enjoy them...i also used to cut myself and im kinda going back to that now. Its easy enough to shoot myself in the head, so i dont think i will ever do it, plus its way to messy. I also am having dreams about a kid that i take care of...(its kind of a long story)if you really want to hear it i guess i could post it) My closest to death suicide attempt was done on his 12th birthday which was exactly one year and one month ago, the suicide was triggered by him when he hugged me, as i get a bit uncomfortable when people hug me, and i have never had a child hug me and it drove me crazy for some reason. His mom did tell him what happened to me and, he has been helping me, and he calls me every day to check on me and he even inspects me arms when i see him because he knows i hurt myself. Anyway Im getting these dreams of me killing myself, and that kid finding me. Its weird, im not being tourmented by these dreams yet, but i am a bit scared. Am i going crazy or something, i think i just need to tell someone. feels a bit better if anyone is intrested i would like to talk more.