I don't know how to get the guts to do it, but its really really time. It's been 40 years too long. I know I have to get things in order, but then again really the only thing I need is to find someone to take my dog. Nothing material will matter when I'm gone. I'm tired of being hurt. I'm tired of being used. I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of the nightmares and the memories and the flashbacks. I'm tired of hurting. I'm tired of it all. I'm tired of being tired. It's time to stop. I keep getting to this point, then nothing happens. I don't do it. Well, I used to try - but I think what stops me is when I kept failing. Like "Why bother keeping trying when all you do is fail". I fail at everything I do. I fail at life. I keep praying and praying. There's no god, though. Not after all these years. I just pray now for the ability to do it. I mean really do it. Not be so afraid of the pain involved that I don't do it. I'm not afraid to die, I'm afraid of pain and afraid of failing. Living after trying would be worse, especially if I screwed up bad enough. There's nothing. There's no one. There's no reason. Everything is pointless and purposeless. No one loves me, no one cares about me. I'm nothing. But I'm going to keep praying for the guts. I really really am.