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I really want the guts to do it.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Brighid Moon, May 27, 2009.

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  1. Brighid Moon

    Brighid Moon Member & Antiquities Friend

    I don't know how to get the guts to do it, but its really really time. It's been 40 years too long. I know I have to get things in order, but then again really the only thing I need is to find someone to take my dog. Nothing material will matter when I'm gone.

    I'm tired of being hurt. I'm tired of being used. I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of the nightmares and the memories and the flashbacks. I'm tired of hurting. I'm tired of it all.

    I'm tired of being tired.

    It's time to stop.

    I keep getting to this point, then nothing happens. I don't do it. Well, I used to try - but I think what stops me is when I kept failing. Like "Why bother keeping trying when all you do is fail". I fail at everything I do. I fail at life.

    I keep praying and praying. There's no god, though. Not after all these years. I just pray now for the ability to do it. I mean really do it. Not be so afraid of the pain involved that I don't do it. I'm not afraid to die, I'm afraid of pain and afraid of failing. Living after trying would be worse, especially if I screwed up bad enough.

    There's nothing. There's no one. There's no reason. Everything is pointless and purposeless. No one loves me, no one cares about me. I'm nothing.

    But I'm going to keep praying for the guts. I really really am.
  2. alexander

    alexander Active Member

    All I can say is that your not alone, it's hard, god I know it's hard, but you can persevere, the pain, the anxiety, it can be overcome, you don't need anyone to love you apart from yourself, nobody's love can fix you apart from your own, endurance is the key.

    Remember you not alone, we are all connected in some way, many of us on here feel how you feel.
  3. Brighid Moon

    Brighid Moon Member & Antiquities Friend

    I see this now, after reading more. Not sure if it makes me glad I'm not alone, or if it makes me more depressed, and angry that so many people (younger and older) feel the exact same ways. What a f*cked up world we live in - filled with so many horrible people who hurt so many others. :hiding::(
  4. Brighid Moon

    Brighid Moon Member & Antiquities Friend

    Well I didn't do anything again last night, except the crying. I said my "good byes" to my friends and will wait until Monday to talk to my therapist about maybe either a) finding a good home for my dog "if something happens to me" and/or b) getting help selling everything I own.

    Plans, plans, plans.
  5. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    You're not alone. I know maybe that doesn't help much; and you're right, the world can really be a screwed up, hurtful place. But there are good people in it too, like the ones here. Let us try to help you feel less alone. This is an amazing site where you can find people that genuinely care about you and want to help you.
  6. Brighid Moon

    Brighid Moon Member & Antiquities Friend

    I want to beleive that people will care, but I have absolutely no faith in life at all. The thought that people could care makes me cry as much as the knowledge that people don't care. Everything is making me cry. I looked at a link about a song just now and started to cry. I can't stop crying, no matter what I do. People terrify me. I reach out to people who terrify me. And I don't know why I continue to do so. I'm just utterly terrified any longer of everything and all the pain. I'm so tired of the pain. I'm tired of screwing up. I'm tired of being hurt and used. I can't even try any longer.
  7. jjjoooggg2

    jjjoooggg2 Well-Known Member

    I heard dogs can pick up on depression in their owner and become depressed too. Is this true? I find that commiting suicide is not difficult to do. But difficult to come to the decision to do. I almost did commit suicide about a year ago. But my parents convinced me not to. Are you sure there is no solution?

    My parents have decided not to support anything that I want to do. They want me to work under them until they die. They refuse to retire to control my life. So I will be around 65 before I can live my own life. But I can't get myself to do the suicide just yet.
  8. Brighid Moon

    Brighid Moon Member & Antiquities Friend

    Animals do pick up on feelings. Ginger is my "theraputic support animal". She's literally what keeps me alive and going, even to the point of getting me out of the house. I'd be even more agoraphobic if I didn't have her around. People terrify me, they literally look like monsters in my eyes because I'm always expecting/ready for something horrible to happen or someone to betray me or hurt me, somehow. She's not depressed, but when I am she will not leave my side, literally, and distracts me with behaviours. She does that with my anxiety too, in public. When I have panic she sits on me and diverts me, or curls up with me until it's over with. I'd have already been dead this year without her.

    Now I'm just fluxuating back and forth between not killing myself due to her, or going ahead and just getting it over with - because my terror of people and any more pain, my terror of being used again, my fears of growing old alone, and all of my pain, memories, flashbacks and nightmares (brought on by being back dealing with my dad) are all just too large for me to handle.
  9. jjjoooggg2

    jjjoooggg2 Well-Known Member

    What kind of dog do you have?
  10. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    There are many paths you can follow and right now you are on a positive one by reaching out here and finding people who support you.. There are alot of us with suicidal ideations, and then there are the ones like me who have tried and failed,...Talk with your therapist and let her/him know exactly what you are going thru.. They can't help if your not totally open with them..It took me two years before I started seeing any improvement in my train of thought. I have been in therapy for four years..You can overcome this..I have many problems and some are treated by my meds and the others I battle with therapy..Please don't harm yourself let us help you...Take care!!
  11. Brighid Moon

    Brighid Moon Member & Antiquities Friend

    jjjoooggg2: Ginger's a six year old, medium-sized Jackhuahua. I adopted her a year ago at the request of my ex, so that I wouldn't be alone. I'm training her myself. Both of my therapists (the one in Cali, where I just left, and the one here where I am now) validate her as an Emotional Support Animal for me.

    Thank you to everyone. I"m feeling a bit better, though I still want to make sure nothing happens to Ginger if anything does happen to me. Or if I do anything. The "crisis" part is over with, but I'm sticking around this time, just in case it returns again. I do need support. I'm very, very alone where I'm at.
  12. Brighid Moon

    Brighid Moon Member & Antiquities Friend

    Yeah, I dunno. I'm thinking about this tonight and I'm wondering if maybe I just shouldn't do this and get it over with. I have to wait until I get things set up, so I suppose I'll vaccilate back and forth until then. I dunno what that means either, so I probably won't. That's usually what happens when I think too long about something, the "mood" goes away. But I can't just leave my dog, either. I'm just tired of all the BS and feeling this way for so long, and over and over again. And all the extreneous bullshit that people and life bring. I have til Monday.
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