I really want to clean my house!

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by RuthyB81, Feb 6, 2011.

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  1. RuthyB81

    RuthyB81 New Member

    This is my first post. I am really glad I found this place because I think posting will help to cement everything and make it all real. I think I have a pretty good plan in place because I've researched what appears to be the most fool proof method. I've got someone to look after my daugther whom she absolutely adores so I know she will have a good weekend. I've got a good cover story in place. My husband is out of the country for ten days with work.
    I've been thinking about it all for a while and the thing that stopped me before was the effect it would have on my daughter. Then my sister died after a short battle with cancer in July of last year and my niece and nephew who are both under five like my daughter, don't really seem to be affected. They haven't expressed any sadness at all. Kids seem to be very accepting when something changes and they talk about "Mummy up in heaven" in quite a matter of fact way. They do understand that she isn't coming back but it's just normal for them now. That has really given me comfort and the strength to go through with it. I checked my life insurance to ensure that my husband will get a payout. I've written my will and because my husband will have a lot of money when I check out, I've added a letter asking him to take our daughter to DisneyLand. She really wants to see the Princesses. Now I know I think I've laid it all out as best I can, I feel almost happy!
    The weirdest thing of all is that I really have a cleaning compulsion! My house is sparkling and I want to keep it that way all week. I've sorted out all of my paperwork, shredded the old stuff no one will need and made sure it's really tidy. I feel like I want to make sure the house is really clean because I don't want anyone to think badly of me. I know that is really odd because I shouldn't care, right?! I honest to goodness can't believe I've actually got up off my arse and done stuff I haven't done for nearly two years.
    This post has made me feel almost good about it all. Like I've accomplished something. Good luck to everyone.
  2. me myself and i

    me myself and i Account Closed

    Hi and welcome to the forum.
    So im guessing you are thirty?
    I have two young children, i can't let them carry my baggage, and they would if i took my own life.
    They maybe capable of adapting right now, blimey, they sure as hell have had to in recent years.
    But what of in the future? When they are older or even adults?
    Sometimes i try to relate it to if someone very close to me had took their own life through sadness, i would forever think it was my fault, probably because i had not cared enough or reached out.
    It is not my life i wish to lose..just the anguish that i feel so often right now.
    Please read some posts, maybe make a few, let it out, this forum really has made me look differently, look inside deeply.
    Sometimes the answers are right in front of us...if we choose to ask the right questions.
    You are no longer alone, many here share your thoughts, and for parents like us, i think sometimes its even harder, the guilty feelings become overwhelming at times.
    Welcome again Ruth, please pm me if you want to talk, my ears are always open.
    I so wish you well.
    Regards Pete
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and welcome...glad you accomplished cleaning your house but sorry about the context...what is it that has brought you to this place? When you are comfortable, please share with us what is going on...I am sure there are many ppl here who can relate...welcome again, J
  4. TooShyToScream

    TooShyToScream Well-Known Member

    This isn't something you should feel happy about. You're going to put your family through hell. I don't know how old your daughter is, but YOU brought her into this world. You can't leave her in it alone. That's not fair to her. You don't know how your daughter's going to take it. If other kids seemingly took it well, it doesn't mean yours will. And what about your husband? How do you think he's going to take it? Think about this logically before you do it. You have a family, you're not alone.
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