I really want to die....but will it hurt my friends?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Talia862, Nov 8, 2014.

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  1. Talia862

    Talia862 Well-Known Member

    I'm swrtching to my other account
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 8, 2014
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    No your friends will NOT get over it ok it will leave them with much guilt and sadness
  3. Jethro

    Jethro Member

    It will. It will mess them up for the rest of their lives. I had a friend in HS commit suicide, 30 years ago, and I still think sometimes, was there something I could have done?

    If you have friends, you should talk to them about this.

    I don't have any, myself, so it's a different situation. Or family. I wouldn't do that to my friends or family, frankly.
  4. Talia862

    Talia862 Well-Known Member

    I'm so stupid – I tried to switch to my other account and posted something under a different post, and I'm so dumb – now I have two postsI feel so stupid. I'm going to stick to this one. How did I end up with two accounts anyway? I think I forgot one and accidentally created another. I'm such an idiot.

    I feel like a burden on my friends sometimes – when I talk to them about suicide, when I'm so depressed. I thought it might make them relieved if I died.

    Jethro, I'm so sorry you feel you don't have friends. I'm willing to listen if you want to talk. I can be your friend on here?
  5. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hello Talia- I just wrote a long post here but my laptop messed up and I lost the post. The other account had less posts and was obviously an accident of some sort so I have deleted that account so you can stay with this one. Don't worry about it.You're not an idiot at all, don't be so hard on yourself.

    When you talk to your friends how do they respond? Do they help, does it help to talk to those close to you? What makes you think you are a burden?
    I am sure you can make lots of like minded friends on here who will understand. Talk to us here, we will listen and we do care and you won't feel like a burden here or shouldn't because that is why this website exists.

    Kind regards,
  6. Talia862

    Talia862 Well-Known Member

    Thank you so much for fixing that for me.
  7. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    You are very welcome Talia! :)
  8. True-Lee

    True-Lee Well-Known Member

    Hi Talia, I don't think you are dumb or "Any of those other negative things". You are smart! I know that because you are here! Welcome Talia, You know where to come for the answers, you know where to come when you are feeling down. I think you also know that people here care about you, as well as offer their help and time. I don't know you, I have never talked to you before but it doesn't matter. Look you yourself are already offering to help another.

    I want to ask you a question, I really want you to think about this before you answer...... What would you do, how would you feel, If 1 of your friends asked you the question you are looking for the answer to?? I know what I would answer...
    Also I know what kind of person You are because you are asking that question of us here. You are thinking of your friends, because they mean something to you. You are Considerate, Kind and Thoughtful as well.

    I know..... That Answer..... I feel I know you too already!
  9. Jasp

    Jasp Active Member

    Dear Talia,

    What was your original thread? I can't see it, only that you wanted to switch to another account.
    Well, suicide definitely has an adverse effect on the people you leave behind. Tell us your story and maybe we can help you here with wanting to live on. Really, I've seen many many people suffer, from not feeling happy from time to time up until being suicidally depressed, and what I've learned is that a lot of this suffering is self imposed, and that it can be lifted if you find the right people with the right experience, and even if it can't be lifted (such is my case) then there is still the possiblity of finding a strenght within yourself to carry what may seem like unbearable burdens step by step, this is my experience. Just be determined, look for help, search for accounts of people whose lives ressembled to yours, express yourself, keep on going, never lose hope etc.
  10. Talia862

    Talia862 Well-Known Member

    You're right, True-Lie, I guess I do know. I actually have two people in my life right now who are struggling with suicide, and I've told them not to do it – in fact, they are the main reason I haven't done it – that even though I've been really really tempted, I haven't done it so far. Because I don't want to push them into doing it. I'm afraid that if I commit suicide, they will do it too. I think they're probably stronger than that, but I know it'd affect them very badly. I thought of trying to make it look like an accident, but I really think they would see through it. I've got a good five or six friends that I'm really close to and I can tell that they really care about me a lot. I have one friend who I've been talking to on the phone every day for the past week or two, and she keeps encouraging me, and I know she'd be hurt if something happened to me – maybe she would blame herself, maybe she would feel like a failure, could she couldn't help me – I would never ever ever want that. I've had friends die, I had one close friend I lost last year and I'm still grieving for her, especially lately, I miss her SOO much, but I've never had a friend commit suicide. But I can imagine it would be hard – it was so hard for me, and for my two friends, when Robin Williams killed himself. I don't how to explain why that made it so hard for us – but I remember that was really the beginning of my long slide into this depression. Also I haven't really been that good with taking my bipolar meds, I have to admit – I've been sleeping a lot, lying in bed, forgetting them. I've been taking them for two days now as prescribed and I'm hoping that things would get a little better. It's just really hard – I find myself awake at night and asleep during the day, and I have my one friend whose three time zones away so I can still talk to her, but I'm feeling kind of isolated. I live alone, just me and my cat, who also depends on me, but I don't really see other people. I don't really go anywhere. Part of it is because I'm disabled – I walk with a cane and sometimes use a wheelchair – and it's hard for me to get around. And I don't really have any friends in the area, that's the other problem. All my friends live far away. So I feel very isolated, even though I do have a few good friends that I know care, I don't get to see them, I only talk to them online – which is definitely something, and there are important to me, but I wish I had more contact face-to-face with people.

    I'm sorry, I'm really rambling on – mostly I want to try to convince myself that my friends don't care, or that they get over it, because I really want to die. Loving my friends is holding me back, because I don't want to hurt them. I know deep down in my heart it will hurt them. That's why I haven't actually attempted it, though I contemplated it a lot and come up with several plans of how to do it, but I called the suicide hotline two days ago I didn't tell them I had a plan because I was afraid they put me in the hospital. They asked that, and I said no. But I did give the one dangerous thing to someone to hold, so doing that method isn't an option (am being vague because I know we're not allowed to talk about methods – which I think is a good policy because I would hate for someone to read about something I said and then copy it) but there was something I was thinking of using to kill myself, and I got rid of it – but I also have another plan now, although I'm not 100% sure I could possibly go through with it because it's pretty bad – I mean, it would be pretty painful and I've done some research about it and it's not a good way to die really, it's painful and difficult from what I've read. And I was watching the movie 12 years a slave and there were people who died that way, and it showed thier suffering, and it really shook me. But if I see it as a gateway to peace – that's different. I really would do it if wasn't for my friends – but I just can't stand to hurt them. I don't care if I hurt myself. I'm sorry if I'm writing too much – I know I'm going on an honor probably no one wants to read it. But you've been so kind – and I really need people who care and who get it
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