am a 22 year old part time worker in a nursing home kitchen,. I had just started at a community college three months ago but I dropped my classes to recover from a collapsed lung and spent a week in the hospital and another recovering, this was a depressing experience but I was managing to get my health back in order when a few weeks after this my best friend attempted suicide and was in the hospital for a week near death and this drove me to my limits but she has slowly gotten better now, so that pressure has eased off, then 3 days after she left the hospital my mother suffered pancreatitis and has been the in the hospital for three weeks now and she should have died but is still alive on a ventilator and we soon will learn if they is any brain damage and we are trying to get her better by the day. 4 days ago my brother who has a history of mental illness fell apart in a day treatment center has been sent to a state mental hospital and I don't know when he will be coming home. I have been just trying to fight each day and sometimes I go walking out at midnight to think, although I still go walking in below freezing conditions a few nights and I enjoy the numbing cold. Lately I have started feeling so dark, I am expecting everyone to die around me, I kind of want to collapse but I know I can't and I don't even know what collapsing really is, I just keep going forward, I have no idea how I am going to cope if anything else happens or the current situations around me get worse. I don't know what I am supposed to do with these feelings, suppress,depress,express,act out, act in. There feels like there is nothing I can do except watch those around me crumble. I have almost no emotional support for myself except for my best friend who is not very stable and my father who is depressed. I have started drinking every night and dying is not really looking that bad anymore, I can't write anymore because everything is just sad, so I drink instead, I have few people in my life, my self esteem can't get any lower. I don't feel like dying would be very tragic for me, since I feel like I have little meaning in this life.