I really want to keep going but I don't know why

[arctic23]

am a 22 year old part time worker in a nursing home kitchen,.
I had just started at a community college three months ago but I dropped my classes to recover from a collapsed lung and spent a week in the hospital and another recovering,
this was a depressing experience but I was managing to get my health back in order when a few weeks after this my best friend attempted suicide and was in the hospital for a week near death and this drove me to my limits but she has slowly gotten better now, so that pressure has eased off,
then 3 days after she left the hospital my mother suffered pancreatitis and has been the in the hospital for three weeks now and she should have died but is still alive on a ventilator and we soon will learn if they is any brain damage and we are trying to get her better by the day.
4 days ago my brother who has a history of mental illness fell apart in a day treatment center has been sent to a state mental hospital and I don't know when he will be coming home.
I have been just trying to fight each day and sometimes I go walking out at midnight to think, although I still go walking in below freezing conditions a few nights and I enjoy the numbing cold.
Lately I have started feeling so dark, I am expecting everyone to die around me, I kind of want to collapse but I know I can't and I don't even know what collapsing really is, I just keep going forward,
I have no idea how I am going to cope if anything else happens or the current situations around me get worse.
I don't know what I am supposed to do with these feelings, suppress,depress,express,act out, act in.
There feels like there is nothing I can do except watch those around me crumble.
I have almost no emotional support for myself except for my best friend who is not very stable and my father who is depressed.

I have started drinking every night and dying is not really looking that bad anymore, I can't write anymore because everything is just sad, so I drink instead,
I have few people in my life, my self esteem can't get any lower.

I don't feel like dying would be very tragic for me, since I feel like I have little meaning in this life.

 

[Cheerbear82]

I know that you are going through a hard time right now and that it seems like things won't get better. The thing that worries me is that if something were to happen to you what would happen to the other people in your life that are already sick and suffering. They need you. Sometimes that is all that I can think of and I know that sometimes you feel like they would not care but I am sure that they would. Make some time for your self were you can focus just on you and keep you head down and keep moving forward things will get better.

 

[Stranger1]

You need to look after yourself first.. The thoughts you are having come from depression.. You can get help for that.. Then you have to look after your family.. I'm sorry to hear about your mom.. I think your brother is in the right place if he's lost it..It wouldn't hurt if you were to visit him.. I don't know what to tell you about your dad.. It sounds like he is greaving your mom..Which is a sign of depression itself.. Talk to your doctor about what is going on.. If he puts you on psych meds you will have to quit drinking because alcohol kills the effects of psych meds.. I wish you all the best..

 

[total eclipse]

You are so overwhelmed things hitting you from all over I know that feeling whoa
You need to breath slow down and look after YOU first okay. Take time out of this hetic pace and just have an hour to yourself to unwind. YOu have no control over the rest of the things that are going around you LEt the professionals help these people okay
Soon they will all be well again strong but you won't be because you take to much on.
YOu need to talk to someone your doctor a relative you need some help Maybe some medication for depression just to help you get through this rough part of your life The meds help you cope better and give you the energy you don't seem to have

I know you know this alcohol don't use it as a coping skill okay it will only cause more heartache down the road. call your doctor and get some good help hugs

 

[warrabinda]

you've been through a lot, dear. it seems really you're having a normal reaction to an abnormal situation. having lots of death around us can make us reflective. it can make us question whether 'this' is all worth it. that's sort of why suicides can occur in 'clusters' because death is usually something 'out there' (unless you're in a 3rd world country/some Indigenous communities in Aus) that we don't consider as option until it happens in our little world.

i implore you to seek treatment. from the sounds of it this has only been recently that you've been seriously contemplating? it would be a shame to do something so horrifically drastic during a time that will pass and improve.
is your friend talking about her attempt at all/what triggered it?

in terms of setting up some support, it sounds like seeking out formal or communtiy resources might be the most appropriate option. do you have access to telephone helplines/community counselling groups?

How long have you been working in a nursing home?

Do you have a family history of alcoholism?

xx

 

[arctic23]

you've been through a lot, dear. it seems really you're having a normal reaction to an abnormal situation. having lots of death around us can make us reflective. it can make us question whether 'this' is all worth it. that's sort of why suicides can occur in 'clusters' because death is usually something 'out there' (unless you're in a 3rd world country/some Indigenous communities in Aus) that we don't consider as option until it happens in our little world.

i implore you to seek treatment. from the sounds of it this has only been recently that you've been seriously contemplating? it would be a shame to do something so horrifically drastic during a time that will pass and improve.
is your friend talking about her attempt at all/what triggered it?

in terms of setting up some support, it sounds like seeking out formal or communtiy resources might be the most appropriate option. do you have access to telephone helplines/community counselling groups?

How long have you been working in a nursing home?

Do you have a family history of alcoholism?

xx

She is doing much better I am happy to say.
I have worked 3 years in nursing home.
um I am not too sure, I know I have some relatives that drink a lot, my brother often abused it when he had a job but no longer makes any money, so he can't buy anymore.

I visit her, my mother, every night and after her ordeal now going on a month I am left in a position of choosing at times how to feel,
I am left wondering should I fall into a pool of self pity or try to build a positive outlook on all this, but it is hard to take on life with a smile because I feel like I am a terrible son, like how can I be happy when such terrible things are going on around me?
sadness, depression, harming my body all sounds justifiable to me, if I ever needed a excuse my mind often tells me I have it.
I still hold on to the basic lessons I have learned in life that keep me going but it feels like one wall just falls after another and the layers of strength slowly are broken down.
Right now there is a part of me I don't know how to fix and I can't even look at that part of myself anymore without falling into one of those sad self reflective trips.
I go to the hospital every day, see her and I leave the hospital doors wondering whether to indulge in my little dark world or just deny and pretend and go forward with my duties in my day.
My drinking always happens when it is late at night and I start listening to my music and start thinking about everything and I stop short of doing something really extreme and just grab some wine and drink till I don't feel anymore.

I have asked my family doctor to refer to the local mental health and I am still waiting to hear back from them.

 

[Cpt-Fantastic]

hey arctic, you have alot going on, its only human that you feel the way you feel. i hope you dont overdo it on the alcohol, but i know the appeal. my thoughts go out to you