I really will try

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by meilma, Jul 6, 2011.

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  1. meilma

    meilma Account Closed

    <mod edit: *sparkle*: countdown> I hope to deliver myself from this life. It will take place in a hotel, in the evening. If things do not work well, or I can not build up the nerve you will here from me again by Saturday. If not, then I was probably successful
    My family really deserves much better then I have given them. This is a chance to finally do a right thing, and unselfish thing.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 6, 2011
  2. jamie20m

    jamie20m Well-Known Member

    Why? What are your reasons behind this?
     
  3. meilma

    meilma Account Closed

    Tonight my wife made things potentially easier for me. She has ridiculed me for not being able to find a job despite an MD degree. She is starting back to work as a substitute teacher, making 100 per day. I can probably find a part time job that pays 50K a year. Both together not nearly enough to live on. So, as my failures are emphasized I feel the will to go through getting stronger. The fact that my wife clearly wishes she was dead (although she is not suicidal) helps me alot. The money will give breathing room, years of it. If things go very very well, her brother, who is an excellent investor, will make the money all that she needs, but even if not, the immediate problems will be solved, and I will no longer be here to make things worse.
     
  4. justMe7

    justMe7 Well-Known Member

    whoa whoa whoa 50k a year plus her 26k? What sort of payments do you guys need to be making? perhaps you can adjust your living accomidations and if you have debt rework your finances.

    You can't live off of over 6300 a month? How much do you need and why?
    I know things like a house and debt and all the stress of a structured life are insanely distressing, especially when you have letters coming through the door, but there is seriously more to life than this. You are worth more than any bill or debt or payment or whatever mate.

    Idk.. please keep talking.
     
  5. Pickett

    Pickett Well-Known Member

    You can work PART TIME and make 50K/year.
    Your wife makes $100/day as a substitute teacher.

    I fail to see how you could possibly have financial problems. There is more you're not telling us, riight?? My dad makes WAY less and my mom hasn't worked in almost 12 years.

    Please talk to us because it doesn't seem like things are that bad. I could be wrong. Help us understand.
     
  6. meilma

    meilma Account Closed

    It is a matter of living as we are used to. Yes, I can work 20 hours a week and make 50K (with benefits) which is not nearly enough. We will lose the house. We will have no money to spend on weddings and such. When one is used to living in a certain manner, less than that is problematic.

    Do NOT judge me. It is the way that I think and the way that I feel.
     
  7. justMe7

    justMe7 Well-Known Member

    No Im not judging you, and I understand what youre saying.

    Do you have anyone to talk to about this? What's happened to cause this change in lifestyle?

    I know it's horrible.. I can understand you're faced with a complete change of life in the moment and future. But this doesnt mean it's forever. I can imagine that these changes go against some deep aspects that you believe make you who you are, aswell for your family and future.

    Im not sure how to reach you, but you are more than all of those priorities and placements. You may lose a position, but this doesn't mean it's forever. You can build yourself back to where you are comfortable and happy. And happyness isnt souly with what you have, it's with who you are.
    Idk.. keep talking. It may help more than you can imagine. Sometimes the things in our lives that are fixed that we maintain create walls to our thoughts and feelings, and when we lose them, life seems impossible or horrible.
    I swear it's not that bad.... And if im totally off beat... tell me.
     
  8. LoveBeing

    LoveBeing Well-Known Member

    So the bottom line is that you “will try” to kill yourself for your loss of your life style…even if you can live a fairly comfortable life with what you can actually make now…

    You believe that your life style defines who you are. It’s your mind projects an image of yourself with what you do, what you have and how you live so the others would see you in a certain way you have imagined. It’s all but a mind made up image and regardless of the image you make yourself believe into as who you are (which is actually the ego), you cannot change the reality of who you really are. You were never more than anyone else before. You are not less than anyone else now. Your mind creates your world so you have been living in your mind made world…

    You say it’s an “unselfish thing” to do. It’s more likely a “coward thing” to do in your case. You are doing it for yourself not to have to face the reality and how others see you now. You imagine that your daughter and wife would have an easier life just because they might receive the insurance money. You don’t really know how it would be as there are many things that may happen which you have no way of knowing now. Even if you convince yourself into believing your imagination, your imagination cannot change the reality and how it‘s really going to be…

    Even if your daughter and wife might benefit from your suicide financially, they would have to face the reality and how others think of you and their selfish desires (with an additional layer that they might have in a way forced you into this as if they demanded you to pay a debt or something to them). Nobody knows how their life would be…

    Life is not to be used for paying such kind of “debt” or making money/doing business. As you know, you “will try” it not really because you love your family as you said yourself that you did not and do not love your wife and you are not capable of loving…

    May you have the courage to live and face the truth/reality…
     
  9. Pickett

    Pickett Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry if I came off judgmental, but I'm not sure how else I can feel. Millions of people live with far less. Unlike most people you make enough money to see a lawyer or someone about refinancing your debt. You are in a better position than most to do something!!!

    To tell you the truth I am neck deep in shit and debt. It is so incredibly painful to work or get anything accomplished because of chronic pain and I'm am only 23. I am not trying to judge you, nor do I want to. I'm not that kind of person. I just hope you see that you actually have good things going for you.

    You have become used to living an opulent lifestyle, but that shouldn't define you like others have said. On your profile you say you are 58. Do you have grandchildren? I bet they'd want to know you. Pass your wisdom on instead of teaching them that even if you're successful it's okay to kill yourself because you make 50K instead of 250K.
     
  10. dragonfly70

    dragonfly70 Well-Known Member

    Hi Meilma,

    I hope you are still with us and have not committed an irreversible act. I know how you feel, and have to some extent been in your shoes. I was the primary breadwinner and became severely ill with my bipolar disorder last summer. By the end of August, I was no longer able to work. There was no way my husband's income could have kept us in our home, and even if it was enough to live on in a small rental, it would have been very very tight, if possible at all.

    But I have a good life insurance policy. And it will pay for suicide.

    By the end of October, I had made the decision to end my life rather than allow my family (husband and two children under the age of 13) to become homeless. I was not going to allow my illness to completely ruin everything - now, obviously I wasn't thinking clearly, because a parent's suicide, no matter what age the children are, is devastating, no matter how financially secure the family is left. But all I could see were my children shivering on the streets in the middle of a Northeast winter, and I couldn't allow that.

    When things seemed their bleakest, good things began to happen. I was approved for disability payments and we were accepted into a loan modification program with our mortgage lender. Now, 9 months later, we are still in our home and I have been able to function again.

    You may not be able to see them right now...but you do have options. Are you able to collect any kind of unemployment compensation? How many months are you able to pay the mortgage at this point, either with savings or cashing out investments? Could you sell the house? You may not be able to see patients, but what about research? Or teaching? Can you do something for the next couple of years and then retire early at age 59 1/2? I think that's when you are able to begin making withdrawals on any 401(k) type investments that have age restrictions. Look into a "HAMP loan modification" with your mortgage lender. Even if you don't qualify for a HAMP, they may have some in-house programs that you might qualify for. (HAMP mods are the homeowner's relief mortgage workouts that were pushed for by Congress.)

    I am sorry that your wife is being so mean to you. That's not OK. I know you said you do not have insurance or the funding available for a therapist. Some will work on a sliding scale based on your current income. Somehow your wife needs to be made to understand how she is hurting you and what the ultimate consequences will be.

    Please, try to come out of the "planning stage" long enough to consider what other options you might have. You might be surprised to find things you hadn't considered before.
     
  11. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    "Originally Posted by meilma View Post
    If you were gone your children would be in a truly horrible place. Think about them. Think about them very very carefully."


    this is what you said to Iain meilma...please listen to your own wise words.
    forget your wifes feelings if you must but remember how your daughter will feel the rest of her life if you end yours...
    she needs you..not your money.....
    you're her father...
    have you considered leaving your wife and finding a new life for yourself?
    there are other options besides suicide
    please see your doctor and get some help
    your life is just as important as your wife and daughters
     
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