I regret not committing suicide.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by JeepReaper, Oct 24, 2015.

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  1. JeepReaper

    JeepReaper New Member

    So, I've been wanting to kill myself for a decade now. It started very young. In 3rd grade I wished I was never born. In 4th grade I wanted to stop existing. In 5th grade I hated myself and wanted to die. In 6th grade I wanted to kill myself. And it's been that way ever since. I'm 22 now and have been dealing with this bs for so long, never telling anyone. Never confiding in the few friends I had for fear it would scare them away. Well 2 weeks ago, I snapped. I had been planning my suicide for months. I had all the preparations taken care of and I decided that I was going to carry out my plan that night. Well, my dad just happened to start texting me while I was getting ready for the end, and I cracked. I told him I was going to kill myself. He called me and, ya know, told me not to, and that he was coming to see me and to not do anything til he got there, and I completely broke down. I started crying, harder than I've ever cried. Gritting my teeth, clutching my sides, and trembling. I trembled and shook and shivered so hard that the muscles in my back and neck ached for a week afterwords. I had tiny little bruises under my eyes from closing them shut so tightly while I bawled, unable to even breathe. It was awful. I was in a parking lot at Walmart and I just decided to sleep (or attempt to) in the car and wait for him there. He showed up the next morning and told the friends I was staying with what I almost did. I don't think they believe that I was actually suicidal. I'm pretty sure they think I was just doing it for attention. Anyway, after he arrived we went and got breakfast, drove around and talked, went to see a therapist, and talked about ways to feel better and look forward to the future. But I don't see a future with me in it. I don't want to live. And I have regretted texting my dad every single day since that night. I wish so badly that I had gone through with it. I wish I was dead. There is nothing here for me. I suppose it's never to late, but I did promise my dad that I would stick around and try to get help. The people I care about and love are all that matters to me anymore. I don't care about myself, I don't care about my life, I only care about them. I really don't wanna hurt them, but I'm so, so tired of living. I just want the pain to go away.
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi and welcome to the forum. You are correct in saying it is NEVER too late. Tomorrow is a new day. Einsteins theory of insanity was that doing the same things every day and expecting different results=insanity. I kind of agree with that. I think you should see a doctor or any health care professional. You are clearly not an attention seeker and clearly just need help. I wish I could help, if there is anything I can do please let me know.

    You have a heart made of gold, you are putting their needs before your own and that proves yet again you are not just looking for attention but actually need help. I am sorry for what you are going through but you can get through it and come out the other side safe and well! You just want the pain to subside but want to live, I hear your pain my friend!!
  3. True-Lee

    True-Lee Well-Known Member

    JeepReaper, Hi I am going to take your post from end to beginning, First it is going to be hard to really read & hear anything that anyone is saying at first, this is not theory to me it is Fact, I have been where you are, more then 5 times I have attempted, successful 1 time, I was dead, they brought me back, I was sorer after then before I had 3 broken ribs plus other injuries but these were physical hurts, I know how bad it hurts, the pain we go through and suffer, Having been dead once, it no longer bothers me I am not afraid of it I care about others as well, I do not want to hurt them, I do not want them to suffer or feel to blame, I cannot control that or what happens after I am gone, no matter what I do or say they will feel hurt much like you do now they will feel pain as well that will probably last then the rest of their lives, they will all feel or have a hole in their lives were you once were, they can do nothing to make it stop or go away, memories of you will always be with them, these are not good ones, I know that it is not speculation or just gossip! I have been on both sides of this equation, I am the loser both ways, I have lost friends, people I know by suicide, I have also lost friends by attempting it, they have written me off saying I am not going to wait around for you to do it, we are saying goodbye to you now! they walked out of my life! I did not die but they act as though I was, I can do nothing about that, I don't blame them, I did not ease any pain, I created more. I spent 7 weeks in a hospital and when I walked out that door I was going to attempt suicide again...............I lost more friends! I sit alone here talking to you! I have family that no longer talks to me I have few friends that I hardly ever see. JeepReaper take your friends an family hug then close, try an build an maintain your friendships, do what you can to get help, even here is very therapeutic, the people here care, they will give you support an not one of them will judge you! you may develop friendships here, Take Care of yourself, be safe Be gentle to yourself, You are it seems to me a very caring and loving person with all the support I believe that you have, I believe that you can grow and learn that life is beautiful! it can be almost pain free! I offer you friendship care and support here!
  4. JackDoe

    JackDoe Member

    I can feel your pain, I think. A part of it anyway, the part of not wanting to exist.

    Your story is a remarkable one, and I'm glad you shared it with us in this community. It gives a sliver of hopeful light to everybody's day, knowing it's indeed never too late.

    I hope you're slowly starting to feel better.
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