I relapsed after 16 years of being cutting free.

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by Ria0331, Jan 16, 2015.

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  1. Ria0331

    Ria0331 Member

    ***TRIGGER WARNING. READ WITH CAUTION***

    As a teen I would cut on my wrist and top of my hand as a way to release my bulling and typical highschool drama and stress. However over time I stopped cold turkey on my own.

    As life progressed I didn't cut or cause harm to my body. Well about 1.5yrs ago was the first time I went to a hospital because of a suicide attempt by <Mod Edit: Methods>. That was the day I began to go mentally downhill. After my first hospital stay, i got a mental evaluation. I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder as well as both a mood disorder(not bipolar) and anxiety disorder. Since that day I have had several suicide attempts and have been hospitalized several times. However I didn't resort to cutting until yesterday.

    Over the past several weeks I have been consumed by thoughts of death and suicide. I have been reading stories and researching topics related to the subject. My husband and I have been under stress and we have some big decisions coming up.Another thing I have been dealing with is a large increase of panic and anxiety attacks. I thought by taking my meds it would help but they have stopped working. So that is what has been leading up to my relapse.

    During all my hospital stays and counseling I have learned and developed my coping skills and I have been using them. I have been taking my meds and talking to my counsler, but it just hasn't been enough. Over the past week I have had that all to familiar urge people that SI get before they carry out their business. I began trying to curb the pressure by pressing my fingernail into the pad of my finger causing a small amount of controlled pain. That helped a little. As the days progressed the pressure and urges became overwhelming. It's all I could think of, cutting consumed every ounce of my being. Well during the day Wednesday, to curb the pressure I <Mod Edit: Methods> and applied pressure to my skin. It created a mark and released the pressure for about an hour or so. Now another thing that has been going on is before I gave into my urge to cut, I was having mania symptoms. Racing thoughts and no need for sleep. Before I cut I had been awake for over 36 hours. It was about 2am yesterday morning I tried to sleep. My body wasn't having it. I was consumed with the urge to cut and the pressure of the stress of life and the panic and anxiety attacks that I have been experiencing. So there I'm laying in bed trying to rest trying to fight off the urges to cut. I became weaker and weaker. I finally gave in. I got up and got a <Mod Edit: Methods> and at first just applied pressure to my skin, making a small line but not causing a mark or breaking the skin on my wrist. It didn't work so I made a very short shallow cut on my wrist. I didn't draw blood but I was able to see blood coming to the surface. Had I cut in the same place again I would have drawn blood. I got a small release from that so I decided to make 2 more marks.

    Without breaking the skin, but yet still cutting on myself i am still in awe of how much better i felt. Once i put away the knife, i went to bed and slept like a baby. I did have a sad dream that all i remember is waking up with a tear in my eye. Once awake i got the urge to cut again and after the release i got from the last session i didn't hesitate. I cut a small amount on mt stomach causing a small amount of blood this time. Afterwards I felt a bit better. I put away the knife and haven't cut again today.

    After 16years i never thought I'd go back to cutting. I realize that SI is harmful and i can cause major injury to myself if i slip up. However the relief i felt and how much my mood had improved i don't know if I want to stop again. I'm sure in time i probably will cause it worries my husband and i don't like that. However for now cutting is an amazing feeling that i don't want to end.

    That's my story. Sorry for such the long post.

    Ria
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 16, 2015
  2. Butterfly

    Butterfly Pokémon Master Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    Hi Ria,

    I think that you need to speak to your psychiatrist or counsellor over your recent urges to self harm. They may be able to give you some coping strategies to help you avoid the urge to self harm and may be able to get to the route of what is causing you to have these urges. A couple of years ago I began being really self destructive and resorting to cutting and other forms of self harm. I was seeing a CPN at the time and he told me a couple of tips that caused the pain, but didn't physically harm me. One was wearing an elastic band round my wrist, then snapping it whenever I got an urge to self harm. The other was getting an ice cube and pushing it really hard into your skin. It hurts, but doesn't cause any damage.
     
  3. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Welcome to the forum. Sorry to hear about your story. I.urge you to stop the SI and put the knives out of reach.

    You should be proud of yourself in that.you have not cut in a long time. I can understand that by what say about relieving the pain. I know it's hard not to be tempted. Instead of self-harming I rely on an elastic band. It's helping me to stop self-harming and I cannot be grateful for a simple technique as it has truly saved my life.

    You have to deal with life on a daily basis and I hope that these words of comfort help you. You need to stop SI and use the elastic band.. Just pull the band and the sting will help.

    Just be safe and take care. Life is horrible but deal with it one day at a time. I know it's hard but YOU can do it.
     
  4. Ria0331

    Ria0331 Member

    Next time I see my counselor I will bring up the relapse and see what she has to say. I do than you for the kind words and I hope this is only a stress induced relapse cause honestly I don't want to SI. I know what can happen if I get to deep into it. It may sound weird but watching"trigger movies" do help me to avoid SI. I know that no matter how long your clear of an addiction, relapse is possible and it's just a hicup in my recovery. It should get better in time.

    Hugs

    Ria
     
  5. Butterfly

    Butterfly Pokémon Master Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    That's a very positive outlook to have. I am in recovery too for certain mental health conditions and have relapsed a couple of times. Unfortunately relapses can and do happen, but they always bring you a learning experience so next time, you can recognise the warning signs and act on it before it gets too bad.
     
  6. Ria0331

    Ria0331 Member

    For those of us who suffer from mental illness's, recovery is a life long road. With my relapse its not surprising that it happened as much as the fact that instead of deniening it and holding it in, I'm being open and honest about it.
     
  7. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Ria0331 that's a very positive approach in your last post. Things happen but you have to remain positive and try to a better human. Your thoughts are appreciated. Thanks once again.
     
  8. querida

    querida Well-Known Member

    Welcome!

    I say well done you for being so open about everything and also for realising that just because you had one relapse doesn't mean that things will go back to how they were before.

    It's okay not be okay sometimes and a lot of people don't realise that. I found just knowing that it could be a temporary thing that I could get over helped a lot.

    Anytime you need to chat we are here xx
     
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