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I ruin everything that comes to me

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by AlwaysWondering, Jul 28, 2016.

  1. My boyfriend of 5 years just ended the relationship. We have never had the perfect relarionship but we always managed with the lows-- the lows I was always responsible for. I am the type to project the things Ivm feeling onto others and since we were so close, he got the worst of me. He truly was an amazing guy and did everything that I couldnt in a relationship, Showed affection, was respectful, and put up with so much that I threw at him. His reasons for ending the relationship? I can't and don't know how to be a girlfriend. This is something he has always told me over the course of the relationship. And he's right, I dont know how to be a girlfriend. But that does not mean I didn't love him. Becausw in all honesty, we managed the the rocky relationship so well that we pretty much came to terms and understood our situation well enough to stay together for so long. We had an argument last night that was the straw that broke the camels back. A petty argument that blew up into him catcjing me in minor (seriously minor) petty lies. I did not want to go into detail but for you to understand the situation better, he had asked me to no longer go on facebook because he was essentially afraid I would start talking to someone. Which I totally understand. But in the past couple of months I have been reactivating out of SOLE CURIOSITY to see whats been going on with friends and family, with him not knowing ir realizing. Last night I reactivated my FB so that I could message his cousin to ask if he could meet up to get some of my bfs things (this was after he had ended things but we were still arguing). He later messages me and goes off on me for having reactivated my FB and claimed i was being shady and that I was a liar. Mind you, I never messaged or talk to anyone on fb. Much less did I do anything to hurt him or be unfaithful in any way. Fast forward to today--- I woke up fine. Accepting that the guy I loved so much left me for a mistake I made. I didnt go much into our relationship but we always have fights about stupid things and we have a history of being "done" and finding our way back together again. Because of this Ive developed a huge problem eith anxiety because I never know when or if he will leave me for good and it scares me to be so unsure of things. I WANT to be with him, at one point we both saw a future with eachother, seriously. But I know that we shouldnt be together because things are so unhealthy. With that being said, it still doesnt make leaving 5 years of my life behind me, easy. I really did love him and I know he loved me too. We just had so many differences and we constantly clashed. Love was the only thing that was holding us together. There was no trust between us anymore due to past experiences. He hates me now and it is a horrible feeling to live with knowing that someone you love hates you so much for a petty lie such as fb. Again, you guys only know half the story, our relationship was one that many people would not understand. We went thru so many fucked up things that made our relationship something that relationships shouldnt ever be. We let social media get the best of us and we created certain conditions that were just ridiculous. The standards we set up were out of insecurity on both of our parts.

    Today I feel numb. I cry because I know that I messed things up once again. Its because of me that I ruined one of the best things in my life. We had a fucked up relationship but it was GOOD. We were best friends, we just did things differently than most couples. This relationship was the best thing to happen to me but its over with and Im in a state of shock, even though I somehow knew this time would come some day. I loved him so much that I could never leave the relationship or give up. Even when things got bad i NEVER GAVE UP. And neither did he. Until now. And for one of us to give up says that things are really over with. I sincerely want him to be happy in whatever he does, because I know that he wasnt his happiest with me. But im also so in love that seeing him with anyone else but me would kill me. And thats whats killing me now. Knowing that we are going to go on with our lives in separate ways. We were highschool sweet hearts so we had so many plans and goals with EACHOTHER and now I feel like Ive lost track of everything. I feel like this break up will derail my life, not forever but for some time. And I do not have the emotional or mental capacity to deal with this change in the proper way. I havent lost my shit yet because I know that this was all toxic. But i still wish none of it happened. I'm fine now but I know that somewhere down the line it will hit me hard and I just may be capable of doing something extreme for a problwm that won't even last a lifetime (at least i hope). I may have made the relationship seem horrible but it wasnt. We were both very in love and I ruined it
  2. moxman

    moxman The "Perfect Life" YouTube channel is neat

    Hi, I am Mox

    I thank you for joining us and giving us the opportunity to help you through this difficult time.

    I really feel like seeing a therapist would be a good idea for you. You are going through a lot of very complicated emotions and a good therapist will help with that and help you transition to a more positive place. Maybe a psychiatrist. to help level your emotions out to a more manageable level.

    I feel like you are being too hard on yourself and blaming yourself for all the problems you and him had, I am sure he was not perfect either and he caused his share of fights.

    I feel like a dairy would be a good idea for you , a safe place to express your self and get all the bad feelings "out of you" so you can manage them better.

    Social media has ruined a lot relationships it can be a very toxic element. I hate that you lost yours over FB.

    If it helps my story is listed on the My Story forum, I just want to die, chippy name ain't it. Maybe it will make you more comfortable knowing that we all have our demons that we are fighting. But the main thing is we are still fighting and we have not given up.

    Take Care of yourself do and not hesitate to reach out to us for help.