I ruined my life.

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Lostlily, Aug 14, 2011.

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  1. Lostlily

    Lostlily New Member

    The reason that I am posting here is because I have no place else to go. I feel so alone.

    Right now, I am in counseling. My counselor and I have determined that I have been suffering from postpartum depression and psychosis for the last year and a half. I have had many "common" symptoms, like disconnecting, visions of harming my child, depression, hopelessness, inability to eat... I've also experienced a disconnect from reality, despair, mild hallucinating, paranoia, and....a feeling like life wasn't real. I felt as though I suddenly realized that the universe was so much more bleak than I had thought (this was coming off of my post-baby euphoria). Out of nowhere, I lost...myself. My life. I started doing things that weren't me, if people persisted them to me. And I stopped liking and doing all of the things I really do like, normally. It was like I lost my personality; I felt like I was trapped inside myself, unable to really voice what I wanted or didn't want. I noticed that I couldn't seem to stop myself from doing anything, but I wasn't really able to process it. My mind was jumbled, disjointed. I was suicidal; I had fantasies of xxx in the river. I was trying so hard to hang on.

    It gets worse. So much worse.

    There was this guy. He always flirted with me; he flirted with everyone. I didn't think much of it, at first. But then he started texting me that he liked me, and that he knew I liked him too.

    I'm married.

    I know what you're thinking, where this is going, and what a horrible person I am. I have never been this person before in my life, and now that I've "snapped out of it", I'm not anymore, either. I still hate myself, though. I hate what I became. I hate what I did to my husband, our marriage.

    Part of my psychosis was that I was suddenly convinced that my marriage was over and that there was no way to fix it. Because I have always "known" I would never divorce, I was horrified by this situation. I felt guilty, I didn't want to hurt my husband or my kids, but I couldn't keep lying about how I was "feeling". I didn't want to deal with the situation, so I buried it. I didn't tell my husband what was going on with me. I felt so far away from him. I was flattered that the other man thought me attractive, because I desperately wanted to be pretty after my babies. I felt guilty at his initial flattery... And when he said I wanted it, I thought he was right. I thought he could see some evil secret in me. To make long story short, I...turned into...this person. I often felt confused by my inability to say no, and by my apparent lack of morals. I felt helpless...disconnected...used. The other man was a psych major. My counselor and my husband's counsellor think that I would have a case against him for sexual assault, that he knew what he was doing, that he used the techniques a pedophile uses with a child, that he had to know what a wreck I really was.

    Me, I don't know what to think. All I know is that I hate myself.

    My husband and I had a big fight one night, and we started to really talk. It was like waking up from a bad dream!! I saw him, my marriage, life again! We made up and were close for the first time in a long time. I was so happy... Until I woke up at 3 in the morning, and realized what I had done. What I had become.

    I knew right away that I had to confess. Perhaps, after this story, it seems an absurd thing to say, but I am a very honest person. I am not a flirt, and am more likely to be described as puritanical. So I confessed. My husband was, and is, devastated. That was six months ago. Today my husband told me it is over. He cannot deal with what I have done, I have simply broken too much. I cannot blame him. I hate myself so much and I just want to die. I'm trying to hang in there for my kids but I am falling apart. I don't know that I can bear living the rest of my life as this person, just as he can't live with me.

    I want to die. I just thought I'd reach out, and see if anyone here had ever experienced anything even remotely like this. Maybe not. I am just so very alone. And so very sorry. The only way I can explain my actions is that I lost my mind for a time. I hate myself. I want to die. As soon as I snapped out of it, I did the right thing. But it was too late. I want so badly for my marriage to work but it is out of my hands now. I know I need to stay strong for my kids, but I am a wreck. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't concentrate or do anything but cry. This is not me!!! How did I get here? Please...I wish there was some hope, but there isn't.

    Thank you.
  2. roscho

    roscho Well-Known Member


    Your story is a painful one. Sometimes in our desire to fix things, we do things that don't work out the way we expected.

    For instance, after the fight and making up with your spouse, suddenly your remorse was overwhelming and you felt the thing to do was to confess.

    Unfortunately that probably didn't go the way you needed it to go. That would have been a conversation better confessed to clergy or a therapist. By unburdening yourself, you put that burden on the one you love.

    My only advice is to love your husband as deeply as you can. Love your children. Sincerity is hard not to notice. Your husband will see your sincerity daily, and after some water goes under the bridge, he will most likely be able to move past this event. Don't push him, don't try to get him to talk about it, just love him, and do for him. If he needs to talk, he will ask to talk about it. Some time just needs to pass.
  3. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    Welcome to SF, Lostlily. :shake: I can tell how much you value(d) your marriage by how you speak about your family with affection. Have a good day.


    Mr. A
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Just want to say hi hun i hope you continue with your therapy to help you move forward now to help you not hate you so much okay You can pm me anytime hun I understand self hatred it is hard to learn to undue all the harm but it can be undone. hugs
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