The reason that I am posting here is because I have no place else to go. I feel so alone. Right now, I am in counseling. My counselor and I have determined that I have been suffering from postpartum depression and psychosis for the last year and a half. I have had many "common" symptoms, like disconnecting, visions of harming my child, depression, hopelessness, inability to eat... I've also experienced a disconnect from reality, despair, mild hallucinating, paranoia, and....a feeling like life wasn't real. I felt as though I suddenly realized that the universe was so much more bleak than I had thought (this was coming off of my post-baby euphoria). Out of nowhere, I lost...myself. My life. I started doing things that weren't me, if people persisted them to me. And I stopped liking and doing all of the things I really do like, normally. It was like I lost my personality; I felt like I was trapped inside myself, unable to really voice what I wanted or didn't want. I noticed that I couldn't seem to stop myself from doing anything, but I wasn't really able to process it. My mind was jumbled, disjointed. I was suicidal; I had fantasies of xxx in the river. I was trying so hard to hang on. It gets worse. So much worse. There was this guy. He always flirted with me; he flirted with everyone. I didn't think much of it, at first. But then he started texting me that he liked me, and that he knew I liked him too. I'm married. I know what you're thinking, where this is going, and what a horrible person I am. I have never been this person before in my life, and now that I've "snapped out of it", I'm not anymore, either. I still hate myself, though. I hate what I became. I hate what I did to my husband, our marriage. Part of my psychosis was that I was suddenly convinced that my marriage was over and that there was no way to fix it. Because I have always "known" I would never divorce, I was horrified by this situation. I felt guilty, I didn't want to hurt my husband or my kids, but I couldn't keep lying about how I was "feeling". I didn't want to deal with the situation, so I buried it. I didn't tell my husband what was going on with me. I felt so far away from him. I was flattered that the other man thought me attractive, because I desperately wanted to be pretty after my babies. I felt guilty at his initial flattery... And when he said I wanted it, I thought he was right. I thought he could see some evil secret in me. To make long story short, I...turned into...this person. I often felt confused by my inability to say no, and by my apparent lack of morals. I felt helpless...disconnected...used. The other man was a psych major. My counselor and my husband's counsellor think that I would have a case against him for sexual assault, that he knew what he was doing, that he used the techniques a pedophile uses with a child, that he had to know what a wreck I really was. Me, I don't know what to think. All I know is that I hate myself. My husband and I had a big fight one night, and we started to really talk. It was like waking up from a bad dream!! I saw him, my marriage, life again! We made up and were close for the first time in a long time. I was so happy... Until I woke up at 3 in the morning, and realized what I had done. What I had become. I knew right away that I had to confess. Perhaps, after this story, it seems an absurd thing to say, but I am a very honest person. I am not a flirt, and am more likely to be described as puritanical. So I confessed. My husband was, and is, devastated. That was six months ago. Today my husband told me it is over. He cannot deal with what I have done, I have simply broken too much. I cannot blame him. I hate myself so much and I just want to die. I'm trying to hang in there for my kids but I am falling apart. I don't know that I can bear living the rest of my life as this person, just as he can't live with me. I want to die. I just thought I'd reach out, and see if anyone here had ever experienced anything even remotely like this. Maybe not. I am just so very alone. And so very sorry. The only way I can explain my actions is that I lost my mind for a time. I hate myself. I want to die. As soon as I snapped out of it, I did the right thing. But it was too late. I want so badly for my marriage to work but it is out of my hands now. I know I need to stay strong for my kids, but I am a wreck. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't concentrate or do anything but cry. This is not me!!! How did I get here? Please...I wish there was some hope, but there isn't. Thank you.