i sang again

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Wastingecho, May 4, 2012.

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  1. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    i took the car yesterday to get to the train because it was pouring and i didn't have enough for a cab

    been without one for myself for 4 months

    on the short trip home from the station, i plugged in some music - "For Good" from Wicked came on

    the song got to me and i started to sing - it's been so long since i've sung

    but then i remembered why i stopped - it just doesn't sound good enough - no range, no timber, no strength - and i started to lose it

    used to do a lot of things - draw, act, sing - now i can't do any of it

    these were parts of my life that used to make me happy and i've been losing them piece by piece

    this isn't a life - not one worth living

    fuck, fuck, FUCK - can't even think straight - losing my train of thought

    i don't want to do this any more - don't want to be this any more

    hate myself for what i am, for what i've done, for what i can't do, what i'll never be

    don't even want the car any more - just those few minutes of solitude almost broke me - been so long since i had any i can't handle it - holding everything inside so long - oressure it too high

    i want to be dead

    is that the same as wanting to kill myself? is it a distinction that matters?
     
  2. pppqp

    pppqp Well-Known Member

    i'm sorry you are feeling this way :console:

    you said used to do a lot of things that you enjoyed - draw, act, sing - what stopped you from doing them?

    *gentle hugs*
     
  3. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    harry chapin song - Mr. Tanner

    me in all aspects of my "life"
     
  4. Whispers

    Whispers Banned Member

    There is a difference. THe wanting to be dead feelings just means you need a break from life to relax. You're overloaded with feelings, issues and emotions. Go for a long walk or do something at home that makes you happy. Even hang out with a firend or something.

    The important thing is to know you can't tackle all your problems at once. Located the 2 biggest ones and deal with those first. If you need help through this, know I am here as well as everyone else.
     
  5. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    hey echo..sounds like you're being way too hard on yourself
    I think it's amazing that you did sing at all

    does it matter if it's not perfect? for you will be out of practice

    Is it possible to restart some of those things you listed that used to make you happy?
    you deserve to have some self nurturing things in your life :hug:

    I believe there is a big difference between wanting to die and trying to kill yourself.
    One is a wish, the other is an action.
    I want to die too but at this point in time don't feel the need to kill myself.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: May 5, 2012
  6. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    Can't - hurts too much

    I can only hear the wrong notes, the horrible lines

    Never be good enough, never turn out right

    Enough failure in my life
     
  7. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Singing is for your own enjoyment words are important ok hell i sing all time when i am down and i can't carry a tune no way You sing hun keep singing and just enjoy the lyrics okay the words and what they are saying hugs
     
  8. FrainBart

    FrainBart Staff Alumni

    :hug: try not to think about the bad things, Singing is about expression, and IF it makes YOU feel good, then sing, heck who cares if its not in tune or what not, if it makes you feel good then sing all you want.
     
  9. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    but it doesn't make me feel good - not any more

    i think i'm no longer capable of finding joy in anything - but pain is always there
     
  10. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    There are two ways to approach this.

    One - is to continue following the path you are which will not be one I would advise personally.

    Two - is to write everything down that you are having an issue with, find the root cause and see what can be done to change it so you can dispel of that feeling.

    It sounds to me like everything in your life is getting on top of you and therefore creating a mountain of problems which if looked at systematically and one by one rather than all in one go, you can turn it around. It will take time there is no question of that, it will take energy and strength, this is also key. If you need further assistance - send me a PM with your list of issues and I'll see what I can break it down into.

    You have the power to change this, you just need encouraging support that there can be a way around it to bring back some of those joys - I'm available as and when you need at the moment as I'm signed off of working.
     
  11. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    i have no power

    saw my daughter graduate college this weekend - the moment she shook hands and got her diploma, i started to crash

    could only remember that i couldn't finish college, how many opportunities i can never have because of it

    the only good thing about loosing my office at work a few years ago is that i've been forced to work harder at hiding how much pain i'm in
     
  12. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    echo your daughter wouldn't be where she is today if it wasn't for you and your sacrifices
    you have done your best and your daughter has graduated ...how proud you must be of her achievements :hug:
     
  13. MrsStavrogin

    MrsStavrogin Active Member

    I feel the same way too. It's the worst feeling in the world. You feel as if though you're stuck. You can't do anything. Even doing nothing is painful. Maybe doing nothing is the most painful thing... When you're doing something, even if you're contemplating suicide, you're occupying your mind with something. Now, I just wish I was dead, but don't intend to do anything about it. I can't think, I can't watch, I can't listen, I can't write, I can't eat... Even writing here feels unnatural and pointless. It's a very sad state of mind. My only hope is that I'll go crazy someday, because this is almost unbearable.
     
  14. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    just got a call from my brother whom i haven't heard from in years

    he's been collecting model trains for 30 years and is finally putting together a big layout to display them

    asked me if i could paint some wall murals as background

    is this some sick joke? is the universe out to make everything worse?

    i can barely copy a drawing with a pencil any more

    tried explaining but he wouldn't listen - kept saying come down it'll be "fun"

    why wouldn't he listen? why doesn't anybody LISTEN

    just rub my face in everything i've lost, that i'm no good at any more

    isn't it enough that i already feel like a loser, like some worthless waste of life who's barely hanging on as it is?

    how can i keep going when this kind of shit just stabs me through the heart?

    i don't want this
     
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