I can feel the tears... What keeps them back I don't know. However, it is easier to write without tears. Anyway today Z and I watch Battlestar Galactica. A recurring them in that show is suicide. I saw a way I will come to an end in it. Two characters went out on a date. The one character exclaimed how wonderful the night was. She looked back at a picture she had of her as a child, her wedding right. Then shot herself, everyone around her said she was positively glowing. Then without a second thought she pulled the trigger. I see myself maybe doing this one day. Like the day Z gets married. I will go to her wedding have a blast because she is my friend. Then go how and shoot myself. I will be nothing but smiles and congratulations. Then there will be a gunshot in my apartment. Or maybe there will be a gun shot in my car. Who knows when it will happen. However, if I do not make some serious changes, if Z gets married that is what will happen. Really the only reason this did not happen tonight is because I lack a gun. If I had one I probably would have just ended it. I was so happy spending time with Z. Till her boyfriend called. Then those feelings of happiness turned to happiness of suicide. Now here I sit typing wanting to put a gun to my head. It won't happen... because it has to be a gun, I do not own one. Wow what a wonderful way to send tomorrow right? Curled up in bed, furiously ********* and hating myself. Sorry if this is the wrong forum. Feel free to move it.... see no tears no nothing... maybe I need booze and lots of it... tomorrow maybe.