I saw a way it might end ~trigger~

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Forgotten_Man, Jul 4, 2010.

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  1. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    I can feel the tears... What keeps them back I don't know. However, it is easier to write without tears.

    Anyway today Z and I watch Battlestar Galactica. A recurring them in that show is suicide. I saw a way I will come to an end in it. Two characters went out on a date. The one character exclaimed how wonderful the night was. She looked back at a picture she had of her as a child, her wedding right. Then shot herself, everyone around her said she was positively glowing. Then without a second thought she pulled the trigger.

    I see myself maybe doing this one day. Like the day Z gets married. I will go to her wedding have a blast because she is my friend. Then go how and shoot myself. I will be nothing but smiles and congratulations. Then there will be a gunshot in my apartment. Or maybe there will be a gun shot in my car. Who knows when it will happen. However, if I do not make some serious changes, if Z gets married that is what will happen.

    Really the only reason this did not happen tonight is because I lack a gun. If I had one I probably would have just ended it. I was so happy spending time with Z. Till her boyfriend called. Then those feelings of happiness turned to happiness of suicide. Now here I sit typing wanting to put a gun to my head. It won't happen... because it has to be a gun, I do not own one.

    Wow what a wonderful way to send tomorrow right? Curled up in bed, furiously ********* and hating myself. Sorry if this is the wrong forum. Feel free to move it.... see no tears no nothing... maybe I need booze and lots of it... tomorrow maybe.
  2. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Forgotten man,
    Don't go out and buy a gun.. I had one and use to hold it to my head with the hammer cocked and my finger on the trigger.. The thought of what it would do to my grandaughter and daughter kept me from pulling the trigger..I gave the pistol to my brother..
    It's not fair what you will do to your family..My daughter is always talking about killing herself..So it runs in the family.. I also have a neice who is suffering from depression..She has three kids so they keep her from doing anything..
    If you won't live for yourself ,then live for your family..
  3. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    @Stranger1: I will not rush out and buy one. I am not that way. I am well aware that if I bought one I would probably be dead within 24 hours.

    I wish I had some kind of person who was dependent on me. However, I am too young and mateless. So I do not have to worry about the burden of a family. Which is what makes this even easier.

    Thanks for your thoughts.
  4. coffeekitten

    coffeekitten Active Member

    hey, i know how you feel. I have been feeling suicidal lately too, please don't buy a gun though, it might end up tempting you, and everyone here wants you to live. I live in the uk, and guns are illegal!

    if you wanna chat anytime just pm me :)
  5. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    @coffeekitten:Thanks I made a promise to myself that I would try and survive to the end of all my personal training. To see if that would help my mood any. It helps me hang on to know I am trying to make a change. Thanks :hug: , I need to live where guns are illegal. That way I have a less powerful option around me.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 4, 2010
  6. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Hi Forgotten. Does the thought of your friend Z getting married make you more suicidal? I think that you need to find someone who will love you too. Your friend Z will still be your friend after she is married, only she won't be able to spend as much time with you as she does now.

    Also, please don't go out and buy a gun. I legally own three guns, but I'm properly trained in how to use them safely. In the hands of a suicidal person, a gun is a dangerous weapon. You have to stop thinking about your suicide plan and start thinking about how you can improve your life. Don't give up man. :hug:
  7. Marty482

    Marty482 Well-Known Member

    I'm so srry for you. I just said a prayer and hope you do too. You sound very smart and level headed. Maybe if you got a pet that loved you and made you smile that would help. Also that pet would be dependant on you. You need to be around new people.Have you tired a 12 step group.New people that will help and care and you can meet people to date too. People trying to make it all work out. You need to buld a new life and you can. Just reachout to as many people as possible and dont isolate. I send love and hope to you.
  8. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    I do have pets, however, they are my roommates... once I get away from him, next year, they will no longer be around.

    A 12 step group? o_O never heard of anything like that.

    I want to build a new life... I just do not feel like I can do it in my current situation. However, the economy is not good enough for me to get a new job far far away from this hell I call home. Plus I cannot afford a move or the fee to break my lease.

    I do not know how to reach out, in real life anyway.
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