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I Saw My Ex Today

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by insanity_is_my_sane, Nov 1, 2006.

  1. I'm pretty sure it was him, but I could be wrong. He was a distance away, but his profile & his walk, the way he was smoking, & his spiked up hair. It all just reminded me of my ex-boyfriend.

    I'm venting here, so I don't mention it to my new boyfriend. He'd listen, but I know it hurts him to hear about it. One of my biggest faults when I'm w/ a new guy is talking way too much about the old ones. He doesn't need to hear it anymore. It only causes problems. The past is the past. But for some reason, I have a hard time letting go of the past; And a lot of people would say it's where I tend to live. I don't know.

    Seeing him just brough back a lot of painful memories & feelings. I began to lose concentration at work & for a while, he was all I could think about. Then I began to think about how he hasn't changed. I saw him walking - quite some distance from his neighborhood - and I thought that perhaps he once again doesn't have a car. Or a job. I should be happy I'm no longer w/ him. Right?

    He's insane. He smokes more weed than the average 'pot head.' He used me sexually, even going as far as to rape me when I wouldn't give anymore. He went for almost a year w/out a job. He never bothered w/ college. We fought all the time b/c I tried way too hard to change him, in my opinion, for the better. What is there to miss? The sex? The physical attraction? That's all that was there. And even w/ that, after the sex I felt depressed; I felt disgusted w/ myself.

    I have a new boyfriend, w/ a fantastic job. He'll be graduating college this coming spring. He loves me truly & deeply, w/ all of his heart. He's everything the other wasn't. He's stable, patient, understanding, & best of all - he stands his ground w/ me & doesn't let me get my way. I guess I'm just not sure as to whether I love him or not. I almost feel like the reason I haven't fallen for him, yet, is b/c he's not as sexual as my past boyfriends. He doesn't make it all about himself. And, he doesn't expect me to pleasure him all the time. Why is it such a bad thing to be turned-off by that?

    Why do I want the guys who abuse me? And make me feel worthless? I fell so hard for my past boyfriends & all of them were - well, to be bluntly honest & straight to the point - sex addicts. I had strong feelings for them, and I'm still struggling to get over the lose of our relationship. They never loved me! I know that, so why can't I just believe it already?!

    :wallbash: I'm frustrated now.

    <3 Amber