I don't want to commit suicide. I just don't see the point in living anymore. This is a pretty recent conclusion that I've drawn. I haven't tried suicide, nor do I intend on it. I just would like to find something positive in life to keep me going. Normally I would be writing this to the only person in my life who listens to me, no matter what it is I have to talk about it. Unfortunately for me, she is shutting me out of her life -- likely for good. And since my problem pertains to her and she won't allow me to talk it out with her.... here I am. I would also turn to friends or family... but many of them aren't exactly up to date on the situation between her and I. I'm also not ready to bring them up to speed anyway. It started last June. I, in typical male fashion, realized I was getting older, and began to fear commitment. Goodness gracious... I'm 21... I'm so old. I realized that I had been "married" to my current girlfriend for nearly 3 years. We fought fight a lot, but beyond that things were fine. I suggested that we take a break for a week or so to clear our systems. She feared I would break up with her. While we were on our break, she told me that things were going fine. I told her things were fine, too. Little did I know that this was simply her trying to not make me feel bad. She was miserable. When we re-united a week later she was still paranoid. She told me calmly that she was on board with whatever I chose to do and that we would still be best friends. Somehow we ended up breaking up that night. Amicably. (I can't determine whether or not I would have still broken up had she not told me she was "on board" no matter what.) She took every precaution to avoid a breakup before that... including messing with birth control in order to get pregnant. We hung out just two days later. Somehow we ended up having sex. I still felt for her emotionally, and obviously physically. It was the best sex we had ever had. She asked me later if it meant we were going to get back together. I could not say definitively yes (though I should have). Later that night she drank for the first time and kissed some random friend-of-a-friend who had also gotten out of a long relationship. I was devastated (and yes, I know it was my own fault). I hadn't broken up with her for another girl or to date other girls. I just needed to be with myself. Obviously that "feeling for her" emotionally came into play. I was desperate to have her back. Appropriately, she didn't just at the offer since things were so shaky with us. We hung out often that summer and did all the same stuff. We even said "I love you" to each other. One night we had a fight and one of her friends (we'll name him "Douche") kissed her while she was upset. But beyond that it was almost like we were together. Many people didn't know we broke up. Eventually, struggles or not, we got back together in September. We actually got together on the day that would've been our 3rd anniversary. But the fall was tough. I work almost full time, and am a senior in college. She works and goes to school as well. It became difficult to see each other often. She claimed I was "distant." I disagreed. I'm not sure who was right. But by October, we were back in trouble. She suggested a break right around Halloween. I agreed to the break. I found out around Thanksgiving that by "break," she meant breaking up. (She knew the difference and was trying to play to technicalities.) I wasn't sure how to handle it. Since I thought it was a break, and was still the way I was before... I obviously didn't use the opportunity to pursue other girls. Unfortunately Douche kissed her again. (Though I suspect this was more of a mutual kiss.) The night we went on our break was awkward... we had dinner, went on a break, watched TV, saw a movie, and took a nap in the same bed. But I took her to her house, and we didn't exchange an "I love you." I don't know why. She didn't seem very receptive to me the entire night. I didn't see her again until Thanksgiving. We hung out for an hour in my car and talked for a bit. We kissed, we hugged, we cried. That was about it. I wanted to talk to her. She claimed she wanted to as well. We never got together. But I wanted her back. The break was well longer than it needed and I wanted her back. We actually both got mono independently and final exams started soon after. I didn't see her and barely spoke to her. I saw her soon after Christmas. We kissed (kinda, mono), we hugged, we cried. She left. I talked to her sporadically. By the new year, I didn't just want her back... I needed her immediately. I woke up early (3:30AM) one morning and wrote her 3 letters. The first letter talked about where we were emotionally, and about how I broke her heart over the summer. At the end, to show her I would never be flaky again... I included a ring (not a great one but one she would like) and asked her to marry me. I included two other letters -- one if she said yes and one if she said no. I figured she would say no, but appreciate my gesture of asking as me changing my tune on commitment. I thought that even with a "no" we would be headed in the right direction. Four days later I got a text message. She told me she had feelings for Douche. For the sake of honesty, she felt she had to tell me. Now, she is a very nice, caring, and honest person. I appreciated her gesture, but was devastated. I wanted the proposal to be a surprise. For the 2 weeks since then, she had more or less avoided me. I wrote her emails every morning for a week. She read the first, but told me she was too "emotionally unstable" to read the others. I don't know if that's true or if she doesn't want to read them. She filled up her voice mailbox so I can't leave her a message. She cherry picks which texts she replies to. She hardly signs online. She doesn't answer her cell, and screens her phone at home. I need to talk to her. I need answers, and I need her to know how I feel. More or less I have accomplished letting her know how I feel. This past weekend, she signed online. I talked to her, and told her just about everything, except the proposal. She gave me cold and indifferent answers -- about how she can only say she's sorry for the mess we're in and that she has to figure things out. She tried to make me feel better by saying that she's "basically avoiding everyone" and not only me. Then she left. On Monday (yesterday) I had hoped to see her. She told me before that it would be "too hard" to see me, but I figured I would try to talk her into it. She ignored me the entire day. Her phone works during the day. At night it was dead. I called her house, and her mom answered. She told me she was out. I found that to be unusual since she was ignoring everyone and last I heard was still sick. I confronted her about it this morning and she admitted she lied. To my knowledge, she has never lied to me like that before. I was even more devastated. She told me that her heart is still broken for the summer, and that I showed her in Sep-Oct that I hadn't changed at all. I begged her to let me show her that I have changed now. I told her about the proposal. How am I supposed to show her I have changed if I have no window into her life? I overwhelmed her with texts I'm sure. I was zombie-like at work. (Yes, I did get a lot accomplished work-wise though... to get my mind off of it.) She had feelings for Douche and there isn't much I can do about that. Douche has an in with her and one of her best friends. All three are old friends, and it seems like all three hate me. I know I did something horrible during the summer, but what she is doing now is tantamount or worse. I told her in the summer that we would always be best friends. Even though I was callous and didn't understand what she was going through -- I was always there for her. Now, when the tables have turned, she refuses to see me and ignores me whenever she pleases. I am a mess, and she doesn't seem to care. She has been cold and uncaring in ways I have never seen before and ways I never expected to see out of her. She is such a nice and caring person, but hasn't been towards me. She lied to me, which shocked me. It really feels like she doesn't care about me at all. I know I don't deserve her heart or her love, but I don't feel I deserve to be treated the way I am right now. This all came out of the blue. I feel like she is using Douche as leverage that she doesn't need me. The very same girl who was willing to get pregnant to keep me doesn't seem to care if I'm alive or dead. When she didn't reply to my slew of texts earlier this afternoon -- I asked her simply... do I even have a chance with you or am I hoping for nothing? All I wanted her to tell me was if I should hold out hope or move on. As much as it would hurt me, I was willing to clam up and leave her alone and try to get over her. When she wouldn't even reply to that, I just begged for the respect I thought I would get from someone who always referred to me as no less than her best friend. It is unbelievable that 3 1/2 years has turned into not even being shown the dignity of the truth. I'm uncharacteristically a mess right now. I have nowhere else to turn... which is why I am here. She continues to ignore me... and I feel I have no one to talk to. I have no way of getting in touch with her unless she feels like it... and even then, she can choose to start ignoring me when I bring up something she doesn't want to talk about. I just need someone to listen to me and assess what I'm going through. I know it's long, but I'm desperate and devastated. I understand that this all began because I screwed up. I get it. I know I am emotionally attached and it skews how I feel. I have considered moving on... but am not willing to give up on her until she says it is hopeless. I am not in a position to act like I don't care about her because I already overplayed my hand... plus there is truly no draw to me. Douche, despite lying to her over the summer about drugs and a girlfriend, didn't break her heart. The sting from what he did is nowhere near mine. I don't know if they have slept together, kissed... or if they are even seeing each other. I don't know if she has lied about anything else or not. I don't know what to do. I'm horribly depressed... but I don't want to kill myself... I just don't care if I'm alive or not. Thank you.