I screwed up big

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Discreet, Jan 20, 2009.

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  1. Discreet

    Discreet New Member

    I don't want to commit suicide. I just don't see the point in living anymore. This is a pretty recent conclusion that I've drawn. I haven't tried suicide, nor do I intend on it. I just would like to find something positive in life to keep me going.

    Normally I would be writing this to the only person in my life who listens to me, no matter what it is I have to talk about it. Unfortunately for me, she is shutting me out of her life -- likely for good. And since my problem pertains to her and she won't allow me to talk it out with her.... here I am.

    I would also turn to friends or family... but many of them aren't exactly up to date on the situation between her and I. I'm also not ready to bring them up to speed anyway.

    It started last June. I, in typical male fashion, realized I was getting older, and began to fear commitment. Goodness gracious... I'm 21... I'm so old. I realized that I had been "married" to my current girlfriend for nearly 3 years. We fought fight a lot, but beyond that things were fine. I suggested that we take a break for a week or so to clear our systems. She feared I would break up with her.

    While we were on our break, she told me that things were going fine. I told her things were fine, too. Little did I know that this was simply her trying to not make me feel bad. She was miserable. When we re-united a week later she was still paranoid. She told me calmly that she was on board with whatever I chose to do and that we would still be best friends. Somehow we ended up breaking up that night. Amicably. (I can't determine whether or not I would have still broken up had she not told me she was "on board" no matter what.)

    She took every precaution to avoid a breakup before that... including messing with birth control in order to get pregnant.

    We hung out just two days later. Somehow we ended up having sex. I still felt for her emotionally, and obviously physically. It was the best sex we had ever had. She asked me later if it meant we were going to get back together. I could not say definitively yes (though I should have). Later that night she drank for the first time and kissed some random friend-of-a-friend who had also gotten out of a long relationship.

    I was devastated (and yes, I know it was my own fault). I hadn't broken up with her for another girl or to date other girls. I just needed to be with myself. Obviously that "feeling for her" emotionally came into play. I was desperate to have her back. Appropriately, she didn't just at the offer since things were so shaky with us.

    We hung out often that summer and did all the same stuff. We even said "I love you" to each other. One night we had a fight and one of her friends (we'll name him "Douche") kissed her while she was upset. But beyond that it was almost like we were together. Many people didn't know we broke up.

    Eventually, struggles or not, we got back together in September. We actually got together on the day that would've been our 3rd anniversary. But the fall was tough. I work almost full time, and am a senior in college. She works and goes to school as well. It became difficult to see each other often. She claimed I was "distant." I disagreed. I'm not sure who was right.

    But by October, we were back in trouble. She suggested a break right around Halloween. I agreed to the break. I found out around Thanksgiving that by "break," she meant breaking up. (She knew the difference and was trying to play to technicalities.) I wasn't sure how to handle it. Since I thought it was a break, and was still the way I was before... I obviously didn't use the opportunity to pursue other girls. Unfortunately Douche kissed her again. (Though I suspect this was more of a mutual kiss.) The night we went on our break was awkward... we had dinner, went on a break, watched TV, saw a movie, and took a nap in the same bed. But I took her to her house, and we didn't exchange an "I love you." I don't know why. She didn't seem very receptive to me the entire night.

    I didn't see her again until Thanksgiving. We hung out for an hour in my car and talked for a bit. We kissed, we hugged, we cried. That was about it. I wanted to talk to her. She claimed she wanted to as well. We never got together. But I wanted her back. The break was well longer than it needed and I wanted her back.

    We actually both got mono independently and final exams started soon after. I didn't see her and barely spoke to her. I saw her soon after Christmas. We kissed (kinda, mono), we hugged, we cried. She left. I talked to her sporadically. By the new year, I didn't just want her back... I needed her immediately.

    I woke up early (3:30AM) one morning and wrote her 3 letters. The first letter talked about where we were emotionally, and about how I broke her heart over the summer. At the end, to show her I would never be flaky again... I included a ring (not a great one but one she would like) and asked her to marry me. I included two other letters -- one if she said yes and one if she said no. I figured she would say no, but appreciate my gesture of asking as me changing my tune on commitment. I thought that even with a "no" we would be headed in the right direction.

    Four days later I got a text message. She told me she had feelings for Douche. For the sake of honesty, she felt she had to tell me. Now, she is a very nice, caring, and honest person. I appreciated her gesture, but was devastated. I wanted the proposal to be a surprise.

    For the 2 weeks since then, she had more or less avoided me. I wrote her emails every morning for a week. She read the first, but told me she was too "emotionally unstable" to read the others. I don't know if that's true or if she doesn't want to read them. She filled up her voice mailbox so I can't leave her a message. She cherry picks which texts she replies to. She hardly signs online. She doesn't answer her cell, and screens her phone at home. I need to talk to her. I need answers, and I need her to know how I feel.

    More or less I have accomplished letting her know how I feel. This past weekend, she signed online. I talked to her, and told her just about everything, except the proposal. She gave me cold and indifferent answers -- about how she can only say she's sorry for the mess we're in and that she has to figure things out. She tried to make me feel better by saying that she's "basically avoiding everyone" and not only me. Then she left.

    On Monday (yesterday) I had hoped to see her. She told me before that it would be "too hard" to see me, but I figured I would try to talk her into it. She ignored me the entire day. Her phone works during the day. At night it was dead. I called her house, and her mom answered. She told me she was out. I found that to be unusual since she was ignoring everyone and last I heard was still sick.

    I confronted her about it this morning and she admitted she lied. To my knowledge, she has never lied to me like that before. I was even more devastated. She told me that her heart is still broken for the summer, and that I showed her in Sep-Oct that I hadn't changed at all. I begged her to let me show her that I have changed now. I told her about the proposal. How am I supposed to show her I have changed if I have no window into her life? I overwhelmed her with texts I'm sure. I was zombie-like at work. (Yes, I did get a lot accomplished work-wise though... to get my mind off of it.)

    She had feelings for Douche and there isn't much I can do about that. Douche has an in with her and one of her best friends. All three are old friends, and it seems like all three hate me. I know I did something horrible during the summer, but what she is doing now is tantamount or worse. I told her in the summer that we would always be best friends. Even though I was callous and didn't understand what she was going through -- I was always there for her. Now, when the tables have turned, she refuses to see me and ignores me whenever she pleases. I am a mess, and she doesn't seem to care.

    She has been cold and uncaring in ways I have never seen before and ways I never expected to see out of her. She is such a nice and caring person, but hasn't been towards me. She lied to me, which shocked me. It really feels like she doesn't care about me at all. I know I don't deserve her heart or her love, but I don't feel I deserve to be treated the way I am right now. This all came out of the blue. I feel like she is using Douche as leverage that she doesn't need me.

    The very same girl who was willing to get pregnant to keep me doesn't seem to care if I'm alive or dead. When she didn't reply to my slew of texts earlier this afternoon -- I asked her simply... do I even have a chance with you or am I hoping for nothing? All I wanted her to tell me was if I should hold out hope or move on. As much as it would hurt me, I was willing to clam up and leave her alone and try to get over her. When she wouldn't even reply to that, I just begged for the respect I thought I would get from someone who always referred to me as no less than her best friend.

    It is unbelievable that 3 1/2 years has turned into not even being shown the dignity of the truth. I'm uncharacteristically a mess right now. I have nowhere else to turn... which is why I am here. She continues to ignore me... and I feel I have no one to talk to. I have no way of getting in touch with her unless she feels like it... and even then, she can choose to start ignoring me when I bring up something she doesn't want to talk about.

    I just need someone to listen to me and assess what I'm going through. I know it's long, but I'm desperate and devastated.

    I understand that this all began because I screwed up. I get it. I know I am emotionally attached and it skews how I feel. I have considered moving on... but am not willing to give up on her until she says it is hopeless. I am not in a position to act like I don't care about her because I already overplayed my hand... plus there is truly no draw to me. Douche, despite lying to her over the summer about drugs and a girlfriend, didn't break her heart. The sting from what he did is nowhere near mine. I don't know if they have slept together, kissed... or if they are even seeing each other. I don't know if she has lied about anything else or not.

    I don't know what to do. I'm horribly depressed... but I don't want to kill myself... I just don't care if I'm alive or not.

    Thank you.
  2. LightInTheDarkestNight

    LightInTheDarkestNight Well-Known Member

    You've handed your power off to her bro. She may have not said theres no hope for you but her actions have shown that

    Another person should never have the power over you where you don't want to be alive, if anyone feels that strongly someone can affect their emotions its best for even them to break off the relationship.

    If she doesn't have feelings for you theres nothing you can do about it. Acting desperate writing emails every day for a week and giving her constant texts will only make her further distant from you.

    Women like a guy who wants them but doesn't need them.

    Shes involved with that other guy now in all likelyhood.

    I know you won't want to hear this but the best thing you can do is forget about her and move on. She may want you back when she has realized you've moved on, but still you actually need to move on not just act like it. If that makes sense.

    By the time you move on if she does want you back you may not even want her back.

    On the plus side you seem like a fairly normal guy college a job and what not so I'm sure there are plenty more girls out there who would like to go out with you.
  3. Discreet

    Discreet New Member


    I hit a pretty low point in the last few hours. I eventually had a long talk with my sister. I've come to conclusion I'm going to give her space. Plenty of space.

    I'm sending her a final text. In it I'm going to ask her to disregard the bombardment of texts I sent this afternoon. I miss her, but need to focus on finishing up school and doing what's best for me. I want to talk to her, but it's clear she doesn't want to talk to me. I'm not going to force the issue. I'm giving her space. I hope to hear from her, but I've come to the conclusion that I may not ever.

    Before I wanted an answer either way: hope or not. Being strung along in her game wasn't healthy. But I gave her the power.

    Now I've basically walked away from the situation. I haven't closed the door to having her back... but I'm not obsessed with the situation. I'm proving to myself that I'm okay with either situation: with her or not.

    I hope I did good.
  4. cinZamurai

    cinZamurai Well-Known Member

    You somehow at one time became co-dependent with her and that destroyed the relationship, I did the same once and it ended the same way.

    Many, many have done the same so you can feel cool about that :)

    The good news is that this NOW is your best chance to build an independence and a stronger foundation for yourself. You will learn many things about yourself and you have a good chance of coming out of this as a stronger and more self reliant person.

    Take this opportunity and build your self confidence, honor your self. You never have to lean on one person for your happiness again. Life is full of tragic things and we need to prepare our selfs. We all get abandon at one time, may it be some one leaving or simply dieing. You need to know this and start to think about you. Get angry if you need , scream, shout and curse, get it all out for yourself (Note: Don´t vent in her face, just do it in solitude or with a friend that understands you and can support you, or here on SF if you so like) after this you have to let it go.

    Next step is to pick yourself up and start working.
    Do something physical, explore things you have not done before, take some dance class, fencing, boxing or anything you think might be fun and take your mind of things. Get out of the box. I don´t care if you do step dance or workout just do something for yourself and non other then yourself.

    Gaining independence is not about being cold its about drawing a line between me and you no matter how much you love the person. And its okey, I understand, it happens but now you have to turn it to your favor and understand that this is about you and that this young person learn and grow with every adversity he overcomes.

    It is just the start and it will make you a better person if you let it.

    The ball is in your hand, now make it happen !
  5. Discreet

    Discreet New Member

    Ceasing involvement with that girl is the single best thing that has ever happened to me. Thank you, Light and Cin.
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