i see no change, no positive change its only a downward spiral, im getting back into my old habits, spiraling out of control into the hole. i only go down further, im hanging in there. but why, there is no point, i dont change so its only stalling the inevitable. i might as well speed it up and make it less painfull. i tried the medical side, i tried. but i forget appointments, come too late, dont disclose full stories, i tend to censor it to them. and then they think im wasting their time and cost too much money, and hear nothing anymore, they dont care. i dont care, nothing is happening i only get sucked in deeper and deeper. all i wanted was ritalin, all i needed was ritalin so i could finally get a little up in life, so i could finally read so much as a goddamn book in one session without having my filter clogged up with thoughts, i could have had a little more help but that wasnt even neccessary, now i thought okay ritalin and a little antidepressant for depression, but now i need to take someone with me to take a test for everything, it seems like they dont trust me. i dont want to tell anybody, i only want anonymous, they say its anonymous, but they are just bullshitting me. and its taking years now, doctors only see me as a cash-cow. im at the end of my tether, nothing is happening, im fucked. i can scream at the window, they just watch me die another day, nobody cares, its a hopeless situation, there is no choice, sanity is now beyond me. the only friends i have are in my head, i heard their voices, they sicken my mind and spirit, there is no escaping, the pain is neverending, its a long way to hell, but i think im nearly there.