i see no change

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Cpt-Fantastic, Jan 20, 2011.

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  1. Cpt-Fantastic

    Cpt-Fantastic Banned Member

    i see no change, no positive change its only a downward spiral, im getting back into my old habits, spiraling out of control into the hole. i only go down further, im hanging in there. but why, there is no point, i dont change so its only stalling the inevitable. i might as well speed it up and make it less painfull. i tried the medical side, i tried. but i forget appointments, come too late, dont disclose full stories, i tend to censor it to them. and then they think im wasting their time and cost too much money, and hear nothing anymore, they dont care. i dont care, nothing is happening i only get sucked in deeper and deeper. all i wanted was ritalin, all i needed was ritalin so i could finally get a little up in life, so i could finally read so much as a goddamn book in one session without having my filter clogged up with thoughts, i could have had a little more help but that wasnt even neccessary, now i thought okay ritalin and a little antidepressant for depression, but now i need to take someone with me to take a test for everything, it seems like they dont trust me. i dont want to tell anybody, i only want anonymous, they say its anonymous, but they are just bullshitting me. and its taking years now, doctors only see me as a cash-cow. im at the end of my tether, nothing is happening, im fucked. i can scream at the window, they just watch me die another day, nobody cares, its a hopeless situation, there is no choice, sanity is now beyond me. the only friends i have are in my head, i heard their voices, they sicken my mind and spirit, there is no escaping, the pain is neverending, its a long way to hell, but i think im nearly there.
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and so sorry you are feeling so awful...maybe going to a University department or medical center that specializes in dual diagnoses, e.g. dyslexia and depression would be helpful...if you live near a major university medical center, it would be in the department of neuropsychology...after a neuropsych eval, they might be able to more effectively treat both sets of problems...just my thoughts, J
  3. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    How old are you?? It makes a difference in wether they will give you ritalin or not.. It affects adults differently than children.. They put me on it once and I sped my ass off on it.. It felt like my heart was going to explode..I had them take me off it the next day..If your hearing voices then you need to talk to them about skyzo meds..They work.. Certain other onesmake you hallucenate..Why don't you go in the hospital so they can evaluate you on what meds work the best..
  4. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    hey there,

    I think I saw an earlier post that you made.

    If you censor what you say to a doctor you can't expect to get good care. I think you really have to give all of the relevant info.

    I think that you can get treatment, it would just take enough effort to go to your appointments on time and tell a doctor the whole story. Even if you were forced to stay in a hospital, they couldn't force you to take meds that you didn't want to take.

    Maybe you could see a new doctor that you would like better?

    Can you pre-set a cell phone or a wrist watch alarm to go off maybe an hour or so before your appointment to remind you?

    Could you ask for an additional reminder call right before the appointment? I don't know if they would do that for you, but they might.

    Is there a relative or someone who could call you to remind you of your appointments?
  5. Cpt-Fantastic

    Cpt-Fantastic Banned Member

    i only edit out the parts i deem irrelevant. for instance when i came in i only wanted ritalin, since i cant prescribe it for myself i need to go through the whole proces. instead of just getting like a test to see if i need ritalin she is going through the entire test, starts asking about my youth, my financial status all sorts of things i dont deem relevant. why do i need a psychologist if i only need a psychiater who can prescribe these things, its just pissing me off so much i dont see the point. when i break my leg, i get a cast. if i get add, i get to relive my entire youth, fuck that.
  6. Cpt-Fantastic

    Cpt-Fantastic Banned Member

    i started gambling again, went into a casino and sat down because inside you get free drinks, and i had a free chance to win a scooter. well i didnt win the scooter, but i got into the gambling mode again. i lost $200 already, and theres more coming. ow and i started drinking again, and i missed an appointment with the psychologist which i dont see the point of anymore, ow and on top of that, i got into a fight with my gf and we definately broke up this time. ow and i have to register for my GED in 2 weeks and know already im gonna fail that. and even if i have my GED i have no idea what next, i dont want to go through with it all, why am i still here and not dead, i've stopped taking showers. im not shaving no more, i stopped cleaning everything, i stopped eating, i stopped seeing friends, i never pick up phone calls, i want to be dead. why cant i pull the goddamn trigger. ow and i barely sleep anymore and am in constant pain, its the feeling like you're stoned without actually taken any drugs, my stomach hurts as if i just ate splinters, and everything else hurts, im so low right now, it must be the bottom
  7. Cpt-Fantastic

    Cpt-Fantastic Banned Member

    i just called the psycho-center but i have nothing to say to them, what should i say, i have no clue, so i hung up. i took some sleeping pills, i took the box, i have no clue. i need sleep, they told me to do it, i have no control. waht to do dont know
  8. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Is there someone who can call or go with you since you are having problems communicating what you need? Or can you write it down and read it so that you can get help? Please PM me if you want to compose something together...please stay safe, J
  9. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    If the questions the doctor asks are annoying, I think you can refuse to answer them because you think they are irrelevant, but that's different from deceiving the doctor.

    I still think you can get a lot better if you go through the process of getting treatment.

    At this point it might be better to go to the hospital and tell them that you are suicidal

    maybe a suicide hotline would also have good advice?

  10. kru

    kru New Member

    We are already in hell. You've made it this far in a selfish world. I say, grab a double whiskey on the rocks, and go see a live band and dance your ass off. Who cares if people are looking at you and talking about you, show em who's boss, they'll only appreciate your confidence and openess and become insecure themselves. The next day, get a new doctor, go to ratemydoctor and find a good one in your area. I found a dr that will give me any drug i want by request.
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