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I see no point in going on

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by sadhart, Dec 3, 2013.

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  1. sadhart

    sadhart Well-Known Member

    I don't want to go into detail what happened to me today. All I want to say is that I cannot do this anymore. I am tired of my family half listening, taking me for granted and expecting me to somehow not be hurt or angry or it. I have to end my life because nothing will get better.
  2. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    Hi sadhart,

    You don't ever "have" to do anything... especially not end your life. I understand and respect that you dont want to go into the details of what triggered this, though you may wish to rethink that, sometimes discussing those things helps us to gain more clarity. I do want to say though... no matter what you've been through, or what you're going through, or what you are scared you might face in the future..... how much scarier is handing over control of your life to all those things? That's what you do the second you decide to suicide or to self harm or to continue in drugs or alcohol... you are taking away your own control and placing it in the hands of the very things that have hurt you. I urge you ... keep the control, keep fighting to regain the rest of it... but don't give it up. So much is lost when you do that, not the least of which... is you.
  3. sadhart

    sadhart Well-Known Member

    This may not make sense but last night, my aunt went to some banquet. When she came home she had brought some leftovers. It's hard to explain the next part, but she calls me in the kitchen to let me know and I said okay and as I was going back to watch tv she makes a condescending type comment about how she always does. Like I said it's hard to explain, but she has treated me like this before and by that like I'm just totally dependent on her and others to "feed me" I didn't ask for anything and was somewhat content before she came back from the meeting.

    I made the mistake of calling my mother who half listened and assumed I was upset because my aunt brought me some food. I ended up hanging up on her. I wasn't upset about her bringing me some food....I was upset of how I'm seen as nothing but some dependent freeloader and yet, that is not fair or true. I have contributed in this family and have been there for her at times and it is obvious I don't matter. I'm always told how i should be grateful and "don't bite the hand that feeds you" crap. Yet, when I do something for her, does it matter? No...my family has taken me for granted far too many times, and now more than ever I am going to "man the fuck up" as this girl who rejected me that I never got over said to me and just kill myself. Like was never meant for me. There is too many things that are overwhelming. It's like the game of tetris and I can't stop the tiles from piling up. I am done.
  4. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I'm sorry you were made to feel so bad last night. That isn't fair, and it's not how you deserve to be treated. I hoep you don't go through with it though; whether you believe it or not, people here do care, and you matter. :hug: Here if you need anything.
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Sadhart your aunt is cruel there is no reason for her to say those things only to make herself look more impt in her eyes she is the one that is ill hun. Please do not give her or anyone the power over you ok. You stay strong you know that you are someone you are important and it how she feels about herself that makes her say those mean things Stay safe ok hugs
  6. sadhart

    sadhart Well-Known Member

    I don't know what I deserve anymore. I am not without fault but there is only so much blame I can put on myself when it comes to how to how toxic this family can be. I tried to call a crisis number just now and I don't think the lady understood why I was upset. I hate trying to explain something and it gets misunderstood and I hate that.
  7. sadhart

    sadhart Well-Known Member

    I dont know if I would consider her cruel. She just acts like her old age gives her a free pass in being wrong. She does things in an instigating way...like an obnoxious little sister, who turns around and tells on you when you get upset. I'm just tired of it all. I accept that I am wrong and everything in the world is perfect and right and im not. And yes, I know I am acting like a "woe is me" victim, but I really don't give a shit anymore.
  8. Hopelessinsalem

    Hopelessinsalem Well-Known Member

    Feeling like you don't matter to anyone totally sucks, but you matter to us here. We all understand what you're feeling. We've all been there in some form or other. But the good news is that thanks to the caring here, we're all still here to support each other.

    There's always someone out there who needs YOUR insight, understanding and support to help THEM.
  9. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Nobody's perfect, we've all got faults. But the fact they make you feel like everything's your fault, isn't fair. And I'm sorry the person on the crisis line didn't seem to understand why you feel so bad. I know it's got to get tiring, explaining things over and over. Just know we care, and you're worth listening to.
  10. sadhart

    sadhart Well-Known Member

    Thank you....I wish I could be there for others, but right now, I feel too unsure about my life. By the way, welcome the forum.
  11. sadhart

    sadhart Well-Known Member

    My therapist said that one of my strongest traits seems to be that I strive to be a fair person. So it makes me mad when I have to deal with one sided crap from other people. Also, I appreciate you reaching out and I am sorry for sounding like a broken record and all.
  12. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    You don't sound like a broken record. We all need support sometimes, and I'm really glad you're reaching out. I know we can't fix what you're going through, but I hope we can at least help you feel less alone, and give you somewhere to turn whenever you need to talk.
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