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I See No Reason Anymore

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Hilvin, Mar 30, 2010.

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  1. Hilvin

    Hilvin Member


    For the first time in my life, I picked up the phone and called a suicide prevention center. I don't want to say this but a guy who I spoke with was absolutely in no shape or form trained to console me. I don't think he was even 16. I'm grateful that there was someone on the other side of the line but this was not what I had expected at all. So I don't know whether this forum is any help.

    I'm at the end of the rope and have been crying for so many days that I can't even feel my face. I am in a dire situation and I just don't see how I can help myself. Here's my story:

    I've always had sever anxiety in certain situations which prevented me from obtaining a job after graduating from college. I spend some time looking for a job but couldn't find any. Then I worked for my dad for two years until the economy went down hill. I've managed to scrambled some how in the last 2 1/2 years on my own but never mustered the courage to find a job in my line of study.

    I'm no longer in position to support myself financially so I asked my parents to move back with them. But ever since I moved out, I've been lying to them about my situation. They've always thought I've had a job so now that I'm moving back, if I reveal my lies, they wouldn't accept me.

    All I wanted was to hold a job but it's been 5 years since I graduated and with this economy, I don't think anyone wants to hire me--even though I am willing to work with much less. I just don't know what to do. If they find out or I somehow won't be able to find a position, I'll have no other choice to end it all. I have wasted so much of my time over the years. I want to tell them how sorry I am that I've been lying to them and that I have a problem but this is out of realm of possibilities.

    I'm constantly in the state of euphoria right now. I don't think I would survive this time. All I want is to find a job and who wants to offer a position to someone like me? Who? No job experience, no nothing. What do I do? I am finished. No hope for me. I just want to sleep and never to wake up. I'm trapped. The only way out is to find a cliff. It'll be all over. What have I done? I wasted my life away. I wish I could take it back.

    Oh dear God help me...

    I wished there was a way.
  2. Mikeintx

    Mikeintx Well-Known Member

    Maybe join the military?
  3. Hilvin

    Hilvin Member

    I thought about it yesterday but this would devastate my family. Not just that, it would draw so much unwanted attention because everybody in my family is a high paying professional.

    But none of the aforementioned reasons are the preventing motivation. I have a condition that somehow resembles Hypoxemia even though it hasn't be diagnosed. It seems like my air sacs are stretched which impedes me from performing any extensive physical activity. Don't get me wrong, I do cardio on a regular basis but I'm out of breath in less than 10 minutes. Like literally seeing black as I push myself to the edge. Running more than a mile and half is out of question--it's physiologically impossible for me.

    If I could pass the physical requirements, I would consider it but apparently luck is not on my side even here. I can understand Afghani a little bit so I don't know if being a translator is any use for the army. But none of that matters because even after finishing the minimum tour, what am I going to do? I am back in square one.

    I just don't see a reason to go on. I'm finished. I pissed my life away. I'm so scared.
  4. jenniferelaine

    jenniferelaine Well-Known Member

    If you're afraid of being committed (like I am).....try the Samaratins. It's e-mail, so it can take them a while to get back to you (they say 12 hours, but it can be 24). They're in the UK, and don't break confidentiality unless a) you provide consent b) they're presented with a court order c) they have to call an ambulance for you (pretty unlikely if you're out of the country and corresponding by e-mail) or d) you threaten violence against someone else

    e-mails you send them are kept for 30 days from the last e-mail received (so if you start a string of correspondence, the e-mails can be referred back to). E-mails are never answered by the same volunteer.

    All around, they're pretty great to talk to, although the detachment and training is pretty transparent.
  5. Hilvin

    Hilvin Member

    I did call and talked for 20 minutes even though it wasn't much help. My problem stems from something else. I'm going to die and I know it.
  6. jenniferelaine

    jenniferelaine Well-Known Member

    you're going to die from your physical illness?

    And I'm not sure if I was clear..I was talking about possibly talking to a different group (unless you're in the UK and that's who you've already talked to). They're just people that i've found helpful when I've been in need.
  7. Hilvin

    Hilvin Member

    No, I'm not dying of any illness. Oh God, I pray to be at the death bed. Dying would solve all my worries.

    I was referring to the fact that I can't find a job and if my family finds out that I've been lying to them... it'll be over. I don't know for how long I can keep hiding this. Even if I manage to do so, where can I find a job. I feel like throwing up. My situation is hopeless. What did I let this happen? If I could take back the time.

    P.S. I live in the US.
  8. jenniferelaine

    jenniferelaine Well-Known Member

    I hope you aren't giving your family enough credit. Yes, being lied to is a betrayl, and something that can be hard to handle..but let's look at the positives of the situation.

    -You've done something over the past three years to support yourself..whether this was work odd jobs, apply (and succeed at getting, which isn't necessarily an easy feat) and get government assistance, or somehow..But you've done it.

    -You've realized that you are getting over your head, and you are asking for help.

    -You are *still attempting* to improve your situation by finding a job. So what if it's not in your degree area? Lots of people don't have jobs in their degree area.

    It may seem like an impossible feat...but I think in the long run, the best thing you can do is come clean with your family.
  9. Hilvin

    Hilvin Member

    No, I haven't worked but only managed to eat into all my savings until I ran out. The reason I called was that I had wept for so many hours that I could barely even see. I don't even know why I called. I don't know what compelled me because when I permute through all available possibilities, I see no way out. I wish there was someone like the hot line I could reach and beg for a job. I'm so desperate, I even considered selling myself but who wants a guy like me. I'm at such low.

    I do want to improve my circumstance; I really do and even now that I think about how much I want to get out of this hole, it brings tears to my eyes but the reality proves to be something else. How can I tell them? I cannot even fathom such scenario. If they find out, it's over. I'm out on the street and I rather just finish myself than go on like that. I feel like this is the end.
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