I should be a stronger person

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Leecy, Mar 8, 2009.

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  1. Leecy

    Leecy Member

    My marriage/relationship of 7 years ended recently and Im just not strong enough to go on.

    I remember in the wedding vows they said marry the person you cant live without and that was so true for me. Despite what he has done I loved him unconditionally.

    In mid Nov last year I made him lunch and sat him down to talk about fixing some of our issues, he just said he didnt want to try anymore and he had all of these thoughts, he needed time alone.

    I was upset but after a couple of weeks I moved into another bedroom, I still got upset with him and fought because I didnt want to split, I began to find things that indicated he was having an affair but when confronted he denied everything and continued to say he needed time alone so I gave him time alone believing he was thinking about our future instead he was just nuturing his relationship with a girl at work. I moved in with my parents because he didnt have anywhere to go, I should have kicked him out.

    Now I discover that over the past months she has been taking care of him and living the life I wanted with him. One of my issues was that he was lazy and didnt take an active role in our life, I was like his mother and he has admitted that he wants a mum replacement. His new girlfriend came along when times were tough and started telling him he was great and doing things for him. I wanted him to do a workout to make him better for the future and she was just giving him candy. How could I compete he just took the easy route and now I have lost him.

    I think I am already dead inside, all of my security and happiness is gone, I have no appetite and I cant sleep, I have no reason to get up in the morning and I long so much to share some good times with him again.

    Just before I moved out of our house I was so close to killing myself, I was in the car in the garage and I had the exhaust connected - but what stopped me was the fact that at this stage I didnt think he had already replaced me now I know he has and it hurts so much. My friends and family try and help but there is nothing they can do - I just want my life back and I cant.
     
  2. Believe

    Believe Well-Known Member

    Leecy - that man doesn't have to define you as a person. What he did... his selfishness, his issues - are no reflection on you. *He* is the screwed up person, not you. Now that you're free of him, you have the opportunity to find out who you truly are and to experience life as a whole person yourself. You can do this!
     
  3. SuicideIsTheWrongOption

    SuicideIsTheWrongOption Well-Known Member

    You tried to improve him and he didn't want to better himself. It's not your fault, you deserve someone better. You cared about him enough to try to help him, and therefore you deserve someone who feels the same way about you.
    this hurts alot, but it also is an opportunity to find a better person more like yourself.
     
  4. mdmefontaine

    mdmefontaine Antiquities Friend

    ..i'm sorry you are going through this - i know how it feels to be betrayed, and how painful it is to end a marriage.

    you are going through a hugely stressful situation and your loss of appetite, sleeplessness and despair, show that you are clearly depressed. ((understatement)) and this is completely normal for what you are going through.

    i hope you are seeing a counselor for this......

    it will take time to recover. and i hope you are not too hard on yourself. it sounds like he is the one making the mistake and not you. . . you did your best, now i hope you move on with your life and realize you deserve better than this.

    pm anytime if you want to talk, and lean on us here until you get stronger..... :console:
     
  5. Godsdrummer

    Godsdrummer Guest

    Leecy,

    I know how you feel. Try having a marriage of 20 years end.

    But....things have a tendency to work themselves out. Hang in there, ok! And.....you are at the right place for support.

    Take care!
     
  6. Leecy

    Leecy Member

    Im seeing a counsellor now, I have to because I am regularly on the brink of tears....in fact thats what the first five minutes of my first session involved just crying.....and I still have feelings of just not wanting to live anymore... I sent my ex an email today in analogy format because thats how I like to talk when Im trying to understand something and Ive used a car in my analogy because I spent 18 months trying to get him to go for his learner licence, I drove him to the test, helped him study, he passed and now he is learning to drive with his new girlfriend and I wanted him to drive me around.....

    this is what I said but I dont think he will respond, it doesnt matter what I do or say Ive been replaced

    When we got together I was like a new shiny car, we had fun together, we did things, we connected, we had fun dancing, I listened to you and tried to make your life better, we could just be together doing the simplest things like subway for lunch and everything was good. Physically we had no problem pressing each others buttons and holding knobs. I wanted to go off road more, travel on German autobahns, i had my share of admirers who wanted to go for a ride but I wanted to drive around with you forever and that was more important.

    Over time, and you have said this yourself, you didnt take care of me like you should have. I tried to keep myself shiny but things you did made me feel bad about myself and gradually I lost my shine and performance, I wanted to do different things, I wanted to go new places, I wanted to explore things physically and I had the ability to however I just didnt feel good about myself because you had scratched and dented me.

    So my performance dropped and you left me in the garage whilst you window shopped for a replacement. Dont say that you didnt have your eyes on a new car, and that you intended to be car-less, you were touching her paintjob at the car showroom, you might not have got in for a ride but you were getting the paperwork together. I was never out looking for a replacement for you, I didnt like anyone as much as I liked, loked and loved you.

    You knew I had lost my shine over the last year and you never helped me but you kept me around cause i still was a car at least although not in the best shape and there were still some benefits. I felt depressed, but alone I decided I had to get my shine and performance back and it took a lot for me to sit you down and discuss things and think about how we could get the shine back and maintain it, and with the right plan this would have been a long term success. But you just told me you didnt want to try any more and left me at the junk yard giving me the biggest scratch & dent in the process.

    When you left me there you said you were going off to be alone and think, I was upset as you know but I gave you space, I had treated you well and kept you safe, I thought you were going to reflect on the good times we had and how things could be better, what I had done for you, what you meant to me but you were too busy driving around in your new car and there was no time for you to reflect and gradually the good times we had were forgotten. Even over the past months when I mention the good times you get upset and tell me to stop it - out of sight, out of mind.

    Of course your new car is fun, you are in a new country, she has all the buttons, and its an adventure, plus she doesnt have the scratches and dents you covered me in. But I could have easily shared those times with you instead you left me at the junkyard because you just didnt want to try and fix what you had done to me.

    Ive protested, yelled, cried, Ive told you what you meant to me, how betrayed, rejected and abandoned I feel, how my life has been affected and ultimately how you could have stopped this from happening if you had only taken some time to work with me. Recently you have made me feel even worse saying things like I have no self respect and that you dont want me because of what I have become, but I am only this way because of what you did to me. If you had worked with me I think we would have both been a lot happier, I especially.

    Working together to fix things was difficult but it would have had many long term positives, aside from healing the dents and scratches that at this stage werent deep, we could have added a spoiler and racing stripes down the side, but picking up a new car was really easy and was done at the expense of my happiness. Your happiness is important as well, but sometimes you have to work at it and to simply think only of yourself and take the easy route is spineless and mean.

    How your new car can condone that shows that she is just as selfish as you, she wanted to go for a drive and picked you up outside the junkyard as you were dumping me there. I dont know how long it will last, you have said she has a different life destination, but as you are getting older you might decide to just travel with her to her destination and have lots of little cars on the way. Whatever you do I want you to always remember me sitting in that junkyard cause I will be there for a while trying alone to get my shine back but I and my life will never be the same, the scars I have are deep and will always be there even if I cover them in a new paint job.
     
  7. WARUMONO

    WARUMONO Member

    This pathetic excuse for a man is not even close to worth it.
    Yeah I know you're extremely hurt.
    And trust me, I can understand why you're suicidal.
    I would be too!
    But one of the many things that would keep me alive would be showing him I can do just fine without him. He had an affair and took the easy way out and in the end it's probably going to come crashing down on him.
    I can tell just by your post that you are a wonderful person, someone deserving of so much more than he could probably ever give you. Things will heal in time and you'll find someone better.
    Maybe that's not what you want to hear but things will be good again.
     
  8. Leecy

    Leecy Member

    Im having a bad day....its just such beautiful weather and all I think about is being out with Barry and enjoying it. Instead he is out enjoying it with some airhead who stole him away when I was feeling depressed after years of his emotional battery which he could have fixed.

    I still wake up in the night and cant sleep and then I think about what he is doing, I reminisced about what I gave him for our first valentines day and he said it was the most romantic thing anyone had ever done for him....

    I was feeling really sad before... a friend of mine who is only 30 has bowel cancer and all I could think was I wish it was me. I emailed him and told him this, how he had made me wish I was dead, why should he who hurt me, lied to me and cheated on me, just be able to move on and live everyday in sunshine whilst I live in darkness and misery.

    He doesnt want me to contact him cause deep down inside he knows how cruel he was to me and doesnt want me ruining his day reminding him how we clicked, how I miss him every day, how I loved him so very much and that ultimately he broke my heart.
     
  9. kenny

    kenny Well-Known Member

    Hi Leecy

    I'm sorry you're feeling like this. I can partly understand how you're feeling. I'm not happy at the moment either, and my wife seems to be unaware/unwilling/unable to make any changes. she's too focussed on the kids.

    There's nothing that I can suggest at the moment, I think, to ease your suffering. Though it does sound as if you wanted different things. I know 7 years is a long time.

    if you need someone to vent at, please feel free.
     
  10. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Leecy,
    You are in the greif stage right now..Ask your therapist about the stages of greif, it might help you better understand where you are right now..I know how you feel, I told my ex everyday for six years how much I loved her.. When she started cheating on me I was devastated and felt totally helpless. I ended up having a nervous breakdown over her..
    Seeing a therapist is very beneficial in regaining your purpose and self intimacey.. You will learn to love yourself again it just takes some time..He is not worth your time to even think about him..Focus on you right now and how you can become comfortable again in yourself..I wish you all the best!!!
     
  11. Leecy

    Leecy Member

    Well I have been good for a while but now my feelings of wanting to just give up on life are back.

    I just cant cope anymore, the feelings of betrayal and loss, there is no hope for me and I will never be happy again. Whats the point.

    He took the best years of my life, I took him from being an unreliable employee in a squalid flat to being a manager respected by the company and living in a huge furnished flat with a good salary.

    He did nothing for me and now Im 35 and my chances of finding another man and having a family are next to nil. I can never trust another man again - I couldnt risk putting myself through this again. And even if I do find someone it will take me a long long time to feel that I can trust them and have a child with them and by then I will be too old

    Its been 5 months since I left our flat and I still feel so much sadness and each night I cry myself to sleep.

    How can I live a life like this.
     
  12. fpl

    fpl Member

    Hi, Leecy!

    It´s very hard having tho deal with that problem. During 7 years of marriage you gave him your love, respect and dedication and he simply disrepected you doing what he did. It´s not fair!!!

    I´m also having problems of loveache, they are the reason for my wish to die. However, in my case that are many variable and some of them are corroding me inside. I had a relationship with a woman that is a coleague of mine at work. She was crazy for me. We had problems and I broke up, because I was sick of some of her behaviours. However, I soon realized that I wanted her back very much and 3 weeks later I told her I wanted to get back to her. During those 3 weeks she got very close to a guy that is our coleague also. Nevertheless, she accepted me back. I did everything I could do for her, but she never was the same, in spite of saying that loved me very much and that I was the man she wanted to stay for life. She said she loved me very much, talked about mariage, kids, etc, but was never the same. I did everything I could have done to stay with her, after she accepted me. Believe me!

    So, for one month she was with me and told me she would talk to that guy that was very interested in her that she loved me and that she didn´t want him. During this time she lunched with him, had walks with him and called him often. I was always expecting for her to tell me "I told him I love you and I only want you! Let us make our life together.". After all she was just choosing between me and him. So, one month after accepting me back, she broke up with me very harshly. She was very incorrect with me by doing all this.

    They are together and I have tho see her every day, and worse of all, I have to see them both. I still love her and she knows it. All she did after accepting me back She was crazy for me. We had problems and I broke up, because I was sick of some of her behaviours. However, I soon realized that I wanted her back very much and 3 weeks later I told her I wanted to get back to her. During those 3 weeks she got very close to a guy that is our coleague also. Nevertheless, she accepted me back. I did everything I could do for her, but she never was the same, in spite of saying that loved me very much and that I was the man she wanted to stay for life. She said she loved me very much, talked about mariage, kids, etc, but was never the same. I did everything I could have done to stay with her, after she accepted me. Believe me!

    So, for one month she was with me and told me she would talk to that guy that was very interested in her that she loved me and that she didn´t want him. During this time she lunched with him, had walks with him and called him often. I was always expecting for her to tell me "I told him I love you and I only want you! Let us make our life together.". After all she was just choosing between me and him. So, one month after accepting me back, she broke up with me very harshly. She was very incorrect with me by doing all this. I keep thinking that she is not the same person I knew when she was with me...They are together and I have tho see her every day, and worse of all, I have to see them both. I still love her and she knows it. The fact of having been "replaced" by another guy and all she has done after accepting me back is tearing me apart!!! I feel guilty for having broke up. In fact I feel I´m stupid, I´m pathetic, I´m wortheless and that he is better than me in everything.


    I should not blame yourself of nothing. What you´ve done for him was beautifull, correct and what you thought to be better. You should be proud of yourself. I´m sorry to say this to you (I know it´s hard to read) but, in my opinion that guy does not deserve someone so beautifull as you. You deserve a person that loves you with all heart and that respects you. And don´t think that starting a new life at 35 is too late! It´s not. You have all the good things of the world wainting for you. A door may be closed, but a window will open! :)


    I wish you the best, Leecy! :)
     
  13. Leecy

    Leecy Member

    I like that phrase that a door closes and a window opens.

    But I dont think it will work for me because I have some serious trust issues now with everyone.

    I was always a rather introverted independent person and my husband was the first person i really opened up to and trusted to be there for me always - and what did he do - treated me like garbage, made me depressed and cheated on me

    I still cry myself to sleep and every single day I am constantly reminded of how I loved him, what I miss from our relationship and what he ultimately did to me.

    How do I trust another man to not do it to me again? And even if I do it will take time and then I will be depressed because I ran out of time to have a family of my own

    Why should I live another 40 years being sad, regretting my decisions, not being able to live the life I wanted and being constantly reminded :(
     
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