OR something else would be different. Than this. It's not my will that keeps me going. It's not my dreams or desires that keep me going. I have none. I don't feel alive, I feel nor have anything that I can create or express that I deem worth it. Everything I do that is practicle aids in shutting down my mind and adjusting to the places I'm at. Or in. But not for what I want. Idk what I want. Nothing satisfies me. I just feel like Im getting a jolt or current of something that's keeping a sense of something there. But nothings growing. Not that I feel there is any point in growing. A beginning and an end. I'm so extremely tired of seeing the end, the route in short form, then having to live that short form for years. ONLY to come to the same understandings and awareness that came when the freaken overall picture formed. It's not a predisposition stealing the moments at hand and cancelling out. Its the fucking fact nothing seems new or worth while. It only feels worth while and exciting when I shut down a portion of my awareness. but then it's a god damn facade. All of this feels like a fucking facade. Funny thing, i keep wondering and feeling, what was the point? Is there really any point in what I am? I spose that is what is made, but that in itself means I have to care. And fuck caring with the lot of you. That's how I feel. I don't fucking care. Who cares? Who cares till it's in your face burning to ashes when you could see it fucking walking towards you for miles burning more and more crying for fucking water. Screaming stop. Nah fuck it. Not much that can be done. Apparently. I've heard all the fucking excuses in the world im tired of talking with people. that's all I fucking get. Walls. Walls. Atleast in my fucking head those walls are chosen to be made. So THEY DONT FUCKING EXIST. The routes are SIMPLE. Were.. though I never understood much anyhow. Now I can't recall much of anything anymore. So tired of this shit life. I remember being free... was so short.. I was free of my pains, free of obligations to anything or anyone. Free of ... anything. Just able to be me. Not one single person could get close to me. Now all I feel is constant fucking tension. it wont stop. theres absolutely nothing but tension and problems that arent mine on my fucking plate. EVERYONES GOT A FUCKING PROBLEM. I'm almost fucking mute. There is no expression for what I am. I'm almost losing my voice.. and this fake layer of protection is becoming more and more dominate. It feels like scars have grown and are filling my head with thick skin. I dont want to take your shit into account like it's all that is and all that matters. Oh my fucking life if this is all that there is Ill vomit. and then try to feel as much pain to liberate myself. just a bit... something more than this... it has to be more than just an idea... im sorely losing it. I never want sympathy It disgusts me. I never want compassion... I want .... i dont know what I want. I dont want anything from you but you fucking are all over me. You demand a "standard". FUCK You.. But I have to do whats right. And keel...idk... I just feel id be so dead if I was left alone. Or I would have collapsed to that point where I would have found that will to live and grip it with my breath. Now I just feel like im as large as a pebble in a husk breathing. I feel ... really fucked. I cant tell if this is bad or if I should be greatful to stil lbe able to experience everything i can experience. ..so malluable..