I should be dead

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by justMe7, Mar 7, 2013.

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  1. justMe7

    justMe7 Well-Known Member

    OR something else would be different. Than this.
    It's not my will that keeps me going. It's not my dreams or desires that keep me going. I have none. I don't feel alive, I feel nor have anything that I can create or express that I deem worth it. Everything I do that is practicle aids in shutting down my mind and adjusting to the places I'm at. Or in. But not for what I want. Idk what I want. Nothing satisfies me. I just feel like Im getting a jolt or current of something that's keeping a sense of something there. But nothings growing. Not that I feel there is any point in growing. A beginning and an end. I'm so extremely tired of seeing the end, the route in short form, then having to live that short form for years. ONLY to come to the same understandings and awareness that came when the freaken overall picture formed. It's not a predisposition stealing the moments at hand and cancelling out. Its the fucking fact nothing seems new or worth while. It only feels worth while and exciting when I shut down a portion of my awareness. but then it's a god damn facade. All of this feels like a fucking facade.

    Funny thing, i keep wondering and feeling, what was the point? Is there really any point in what I am? I spose that is what is made, but that in itself means I have to care. And fuck caring with the lot of you. That's how I feel. I don't fucking care. Who cares? Who cares till it's in your face burning to ashes when you could see it fucking walking towards you for miles burning more and more crying for fucking water. Screaming stop. Nah fuck it. Not much that can be done. Apparently. I've heard all the fucking excuses in the world im tired of talking with people. that's all I fucking get. Walls. Walls. Atleast in my fucking head those walls are chosen to be made. So THEY DONT FUCKING EXIST. The routes are SIMPLE. Were.. though I never understood much anyhow. Now I can't recall much of anything anymore. So tired of this shit life. I remember being free... was so short.. I was free of my pains, free of obligations to anything or anyone. Free of ... anything. Just able to be me. Not one single person could get close to me. Now all I feel is constant fucking tension. it wont stop. theres absolutely nothing but tension and problems that arent mine on my fucking plate. EVERYONES GOT A FUCKING PROBLEM.
    I'm almost fucking mute.
    There is no expression for what I am. I'm almost losing my voice.. and this fake layer of protection is becoming more and more dominate.

    It feels like scars have grown and are filling my head with thick skin. I dont want to take your shit into account like it's all that is and all that matters. Oh my fucking life if this is all that there is Ill vomit. and then try to feel as much pain to liberate myself. just a bit... something more than this... it has to be more than just an idea...

    im sorely losing it. I never want sympathy It disgusts me. I never want compassion... I want .... i dont know what I want. I dont want anything from you but you fucking are all over me. You demand a "standard". FUCK You..
    But I have to do whats right. And keel...idk... I just feel id be so dead if I was left alone. Or I would have collapsed to that point where I would have found that will to live and grip it with my breath. Now I just feel like im as large as a pebble in a husk breathing. I feel ... really fucked. I cant tell if this is bad or if I should be greatful to stil lbe able to experience everything i can experience.

    ..so malluable..
  2. Mary Ann

    Mary Ann New Member

    I'm not gonna play the douche bag role that flies in with a red cape and declares the world a beautiful place while trying to convince you that everything's going to turn out all fine and dandy, or that God knows best and is the one that should decide whether or not you "should be dead." Instead, I'm just gonna throw out some thoughts that went through my head and maybe talk about myself for a bit (because, come on, that's what us humans do best) ...who knows, maybe I'll end up making things even worse, though I promise it's totally not my intention...

    Yes, the world and it people are, in fact, pretty screwed up...like big time. Her? She's got a cheating boyfriend. That kid? Divorced parents. Respectable man in the tie? Financial problems at work. Earthquakes, recessions, famine. Yeah, sure, everyone's "got a fucking problem," but come to think of it: How many of them are actually bothered by that fact? Most, if not all of them are aware that they've got issues, yeah, but they're still doing their thing like it's nobody's business. Why? Because while the world manages to shove our heads in its toilets sometimes, it also offers rubber duckies along the way -- distractions that make it all seem worthwhile at the time being (because we all know how charming those hunks of yellow plastic can be). Living in complete oblivion to everyone's problems, in my utmost humble opinion, can't possibly be a healthy way to do things, because then it means that life's offered you one too many floating ducks, so to speak, that they outweigh your problems.

    I guess what I'm trying to get out there is this: Maybe shutting down a portion of your awareness isn't the answer....a facade never gets anyone anywhere (unless you're a politician or something). Maybe instead of shutting things down, moving them aside is better. Yeah, there's an end, but who cares? Consider it an opportunity, wing it. In a smart way, of course. I don't mean "wing it" like go skydiving without a parachute and maybe you'll make it down alive. I mean "wing it" like try stuff (and no, I don't mean drugs). Standard? Screw anyone's standard but your own. I don't care how cheesy or cliche it sounds, but no one should have the right to tell you who to become or what to think but your own self. Do something you haven't tried before, it doesn't have to be insane. But just go for it -- I mean, what's the worse that can happen? You seem to be a huge believer in an "end," so what the hell, find a distraction and if you screw things up...psh...your time'll come (little Miss Sunshine, that's what they call me).

    It's like a game...who can mess things up the most, yet get away with it until their death? Saying "I should be dead" and seriously considering it...it's like...taking the easy way out sort of -- knocking over your chess piece just so you can get out of having to think of a way to win.

    ..So malleable..? Well...what isn't..? Psh, but then again...who am I to be giving advice *shrugs and meekly smiles*
  3. emily83

    emily83 Well-Known Member

    S blake, it's times like these i feel so guilty... their is so much i want to say in reply to your post, but it's just finding the words... i'm 1 of those people in my head- i know what to say, but when it comes to writing it down?. i'm not so good at it

    i'll think i'll start by saying that i do understand the short lived.. free feeling.

    i started going down hill when i was 9 years old, and by the time i hit 11/12, everything for me was a struggle.. life for me was a daily battle- things were still doable, but gradually things just got to the stage where things just became impossible.

    for example:

    i'm now in a wheelchair- and have very limited use of my limbs... cooking, pouring drinks, getting out of bed in the morning, getting dressed, i need constant support with.. it is an absolute nightmare.

    throw bipolar disorder on top of that, and also bpd- and it's made my life a living hell to cope with on a daily bases

    yes, their's been times where i've wished i could somehow rewind times and change things, plenty of times where i wish i could be dead all together- but i try and find the little things.. and it does not matter how little.... but little things that keep me alive. my music, my computer, my movies, are just a few things

    my biggest reason though is because i know their are people out their worse off, with terminal illnesses, or people that are being murdered- and they won't get a chance at life at all.. so i think a lot of it's down to that... trying to live the life they never had, if that makes sense?

    as for interests and knowing what to do with life, i have no idea what i want... no idea at all.
    in fact- i'm in a weird position as far as that goes

    i've always said to myself- that when i die, i want to be happy, and i want to have done at least 1 thing useful

    but my problem is their is nothing that makes me happy, either. so i'm saying.. when i wanna die i wanna be happy and stuff, but how that works when you don't have a clue what you're aiming for, it eventually gets very tricky

    hope you are still here with us- and reading all our comments

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