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i should be dead.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by nowhereelsetogo, Apr 9, 2013.

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  1. nowhereelsetogo

    nowhereelsetogo New Member

    I am only 21 years old. I am young and people tell me i have a whole life to look forward too. The thing is i have been holding on by the threads of sanity for as long as i remember and i'm just plain getting tired. I feel my hands are sore and don't have much strength left in them. I may be young but i know the situations i have been through and i know in my heart i should have died.

    1.during my birth my heart rate fell dramatically. The doctors had to do something im not sure exactly what they did but it burnt my scalp and i forever have a bald spot because of it. It saved my life.

    2.when i was just an infant my mother was cheating on my dad. Her and the guy she was seeing were all coked out and drunk out of their minds. They decided it would be a good idea to take me somewhere with them... Well on the way to the car the guy she was seeing dropped me on my head in the middle of the street. They took me to the hospital and left me there. My mother later told me that she didn't leave me there she was fucked up and my dad told her to leave so she wouldn't get arrested.

    3.i was only about three years old and i was super sick.(in my very early years i suffered from extreme bronchial problems). Well i didn't want to take my cough medicine so my grandpa got all mad and hit me in the back of the head. I flew off the kitchen table where i was sitting and landed square on my nose on the tile floor. I gushed blood for hours. I still remember it as if it just happened.

    4.i was about 5 when my dad, grandpa, uncles, and i went out to the pumice minds in california. I was running through one of the minds. I tripped and fell. I got pumice in both of my eyes. It was extremely painful when they had to pin me down force my eyes open and wash it out. That's not what almost killed me this time. Later that day, we came across this broken down shot up shell of a truck that was basically just a frame and a few cross beams. I started running through it like a jungle gym. My uncle scot instantly started yelling at me saying bryan stop you're going to hurt yourself. I turned around while i was still running and said no i'm not. As soon as i turned around i hit my forehead so hard on a cross beam it threw me into a backflip and i landed on my back on another beam. It was skinnier than my pinky finger across but its depth was about the size of my wrist. I must have gone strait into shock because i instantly got right up and ran out crying. I laid in the back seat of our car and after i laid down i wasn't able to move for three days. That may have almost killed me but that's still not the end of this one. Later that day, on our way out of that place my grandpa drove the front of his car where i was sitting over the side of a cliff. It started teetering back and forth over the side to where our back wheels weren't touching the ground. Everyone got out and loaded the trunk with rocks so we could touch the ground and back up. Well i couldn't move so i was stuck in the car hanging over a cliff. That was so scarey. We eventually go it so we could back up.

    5.i must be like 8 or so now. I was in trouble at school and had to sit against a wall during recess. When the bell rang to go back to class i ran through this tiny walk way and collided with this girl that was shorter than me. We were both running and her forehead and my nose were the meeting point. I instantly started gushing blood again. (when i say gush i mean gush. Like you would think someone was brutally murdered if you walked into the mess.)

    6.it's about a year later now, i was hiking with my grandpa. We were going across this narrow path with the mountain to one side and a cliff to the other. My grandpa was behind me. I took a wrong step a chunk of dirt fell out from under my foot and i fell. It is still phenomenal to me how my grandfather managed this but he caught me by my wrist and pulled me back up to the trail from a hanging position. It was over a hundred foot drop to boulders if he didn't catch me.

    7.i was about 12, my dad and his grilfriend picked my up from my grandmas. We were in a small 1990's saturn. My dad was in the back seat, his gf was driving, and i was in the front seat. Those cars had automated seatbelsts that saved my life. This drunk driver in a suburban tried to kill himself by having a head on collision with us. He ended up hitting us so hard he drove over the hood of our car right infront of where i was sitting. I was the only one that didn't get majorly injured. My dad's gf shattered her leg so bad they had to rebuild it with coral reef. My dad hit his head so hard he was unresponsive at first. If it wasn't for that automated seat belt i would have gone through the wind shield and underneath the guys suburban.

    8. I am about 13. I was skateboarding and saw this escalade pulling up to a stop sign as i was starting to cross the street. The girl in the escalade never stopped. She hit me in my back doing about 20 mph or more and threw me into the middle of the major street. I jumped up, must have been shock again, she looked at me and sped off.

    9.im about 14 now, by this time im in high school football and was very strong. I was able to bench press 225 lbs at 135 lbs. My friends and i were at this girls house and i came across her dads weight bench in the back yard and decided to hit some weights. Well i improperly mounted the bench by standing behind it holding the bar jumping and swinging on to the bench itself. I did it all the time at school but that was a different set up. This time when i did it the whole bench fell backwards i fell with it and the bar that had 175 lbs feel from about 4 feet and landed square on my head. I still have an indention in my head from where it landed and bounced off of my head and onto my chest. Surprisingly it didn't even knock me out.

    10. This is about when i was 15. I smoked this bowl of marijuana with some people i just met. I am not sure if it was laced or what but i started shaking uncontrollably. People were thinking i was seizuring but i never had seizures.

    11.this happened later that year, i went through a bunch of horrible traumatizing stuff which i will not mention here but i had to move out of state at a moments notice leaving so many people i loved behind. Especially my gf at the time, emily. I didn't want to go on without her. I take this as a sign from god. I cut my wrists, yes the way you are supposed to if you want to do it right. I didn't die though and it didn't squirt blood or anything but what did happen was i started to bleed and it formed a perfect capital e. It was a surreal moment.

    12.this also took place when i was 15 not to long before my 16th birthday. I just graduated high school(yes im very intelligent) and my mother decided to play a prank on me. She hid my bike and told me someone stole it. Well she also bought me a six pack of beer. Later in the night i finished the beer and she went somewhere i forget where. But i got bored and decided to go to the park by my house. (alot of this is my fault but still it happened). There were over a hundred people there. They were playing music out of there cars playing basket ball drinking smoking weed. I start watching the game they give me booze cigarettes and weed. Well i thought they were my friends so i asked them if they knew of anyone that stole a bike. I said i dont want to start problems im not blaming anyone but if you know where it is i want it back. Well one of them took offense and started telling me i need to be afraid. I said of what? He said his cousin and pointed to one of the cars playing music. In my teen pride i said im not afraid of anybody but i dont want trouble and walked away. Well that guy hit me from behind and as soon as i turn to face him i get hit a couple more times from the opposite direction by a bunch of his friends. I go to tackle one and right when i was about to make contact someone else tackles me from the side. They started kicking me and one jumped on top of me and started beating my face in. When i got home my whole face was swollen i told my mom and she called me an idiot. I couldn't eat anything because it hurt so bad and she wouldn't take me to the hospital. I went three days like that until my grandma came over and made my mom take me. It turned out both top sides of my jaw were completely shattered and so was one side of my bottom jaw. The other side of my bottom jaw was clean snapped in half. The surgeon told me and my mom if i had waited another day to go to the hospital i probably would have died from infection and that he was surprised i was alive at all. He said it was an equivilent injury to falling forty feet and landing on your face.

    13. While i was in the hospital the nurses told me to ask for help if i needed to use the bathroom. I didn't want to ask them for help with that so i decided to get up and go pee on my own. As soon as i got up i got extemely light headed and all my machines i was connected to started beeping. I looked at my heart rate and it was at 250 beats per minute when my normal heart rate is around 60bpm. I later found out people hearts normally explode around 190 bpm.

    14. I may have been 16 now, i still had my jaw wired shut from when i got jumped. I found some wellbutrin in my moms medicine cabinet. I always had a really high tolerance to pills so i figured i would take them all and since its an anti depression medicine i figured it would make make me feel really good. I had to shove them past my back teeth to be able to take them. Anyway i was incredibly messed up for five days. My days ran together i couldn't take more than five to ten steps without falling to the ground. My house had nine people living in it and the only place i had any privacy was on our shed roof. I liked to look at the stars and think. As i was up there my left arm went numb my heart started beating out of my chest. I think i had a heart attack. So i called my dad. I was up there and was on the phone with my dad and decided to get down and go inside. Well my legs gave out on my way down. I was stepping from the roof to our brick fence and my legs went inbetween the fence and the shed. I fell over the wall and landed on my head in the alley. I thought i got right up put my phone together and called my dad back but when he answered he asked why i was calling so late. It ended up being three hours later.

    15.later when i was 18, i had this job recycling a/c units. I was making more space in the scrap metal bin and stepped in the wrong spot. I fell completely through to the bottom of the bin in a perfect hole so that the thousands of pounds of metal didn't fall on me or cut me at all. That had to have been an act of god.

    16. It was the same year and at the same job, i was throwing the base of an a/c unit away and it hit the top of the bay door and came crushing on top of my head pinning me to the ground. That was about 200lbs falling on from way over my head.

    17. Now i am just about to turn either 19 or 20 and i got fired from that job. That night my gf and i got into a big fight she ended up sticking her hand through a window and had to get stitches. I went to our friends house and we were suppose to meet there after she got out. Well i ended up waiting until like 3 in the morning before her and my friend got to the house. They ended up going to the bar together and i told him i wanted them to come straight back. He was such a man *****. I was ready to kill him. I had my knife out and at the last second instead of stabbing him i decided to save his life and take mine instead. I stabbed myself in my thigh with a butterfly knife. I lost so much blood. My other friend had to force me into the car to take me to the er because i didn't want to go. When i got there i was the center of all the doctors attention. They said i was going to be ok but i could tell they weren't sure. The ex rays showed that i had gone so deep i hit bone. That was years ago but to this day you can still see the blood stained asfault where i had walked trying to get away from the friend who forced me into the car and probably saved my life.

    18.i tried to shoot myself in the head. the revolver was completely loaded. i had just loaded it. i put the barrel to my head and pulled the trigger. the gun jammed. not even 5 minutes later my gf took the gun from me and threw it down the hall. it landed on the hammer and fired. the bullet went in between me and my gf and got stuck in the wall next to us.

    19.the next time i should have died was only two days ago. My gf and i just broke up after a 3 year relationship. I drank laundry detergent trying to kill myself. It didn't work. I ended up puking a whole lot. It didn't kill me but since then my right lung hurts every time i breathe and i can still somewhat taste the detergent in my mouth. It feels like my lung might collapse soon. I kinda hope it does.

    I am not the greatest person out there. And i know i have my flaws. But one thing is for sure. I shouldn't be here. I have done way to many things trying to kill myself. I have been in way to many major accidents. I should be dead by all accounts but i am not. I am still here. The only thing that i can think is god must have a plan for me. I just do not know what that could possibly be. I am in so much emotional and physical pain all the time. It hurts so bad and i have lost the ability to see a future for me. Please tell me if you can think of why i might still be here, why my efforts have failed me, why my life has been so hard, why i can't die.
  2. Anonymousnobody

    Anonymousnobody Well-Known Member

    Maybe God wants you to stay as an example to the rest of us who are dealing with suicide. Just a thought, I don't know for sure...
  3. nowhereelsetogo

    nowhereelsetogo New Member

    can you please elaborate on that? an example of what?
  4. HelgasAngel

    HelgasAngel Well-Known Member

    God has a bigger plan for you than you have for yourself. That's a spiritual answer. He wants to keep you here for a reason. It may be hidden to you right now but He wouldn't give you any struggles in life He didn't think you could handle.

    As for the physiological answer - Your methods simply didn't work. They weren't enough to kill you. We all respond differently to different methods. Everything that you tried to do may have worked for someone else, just not you.
  5. Anonymousnobody

    Anonymousnobody Well-Known Member

    Maybe....well, it's hard to explain, I might not say it quite right.
    An example that proves that it is possible to fight suicidal feelings and thoughts? Something like that....I guess it's a little bit silly of me..
  6. HelgasAngel

    HelgasAngel Well-Known Member

    deleted response.
  7. nowhereelsetogo

    nowhereelsetogo New Member

    idk. im feeling better now. kinda. its beyond comprehension for me. i have only known one other person that has been through so many things that should have killed them and lived through them all. maybe my skull is thicker than most. idk but it doesn't make sense to me
  8. HelgasAngel

    HelgasAngel Well-Known Member

    well maybe it doesn't have to make sense. maybe it just is that way because some higher power wants you to be here. Either way, I wish you much luck and success<3
  9. Snake

    Snake Well-Known Member

    Yeah you should be dead.
    But you aren't, you're one tough nail and looks like you don't even know it.

    I should be dead too, yet here I am.
    We'll gonna get our rest soon enough, now it's not the time to lay down (or drink cleaning supplies).
    I can't tell you what's your purpouse here, that's for you to figure it out. I barely know what my purpouse here is, so for the time being I'm doing what I enjoy until find that purpouse. Or maybe I won't find it, I don't care either way.
    Maybe you should do the same, you really must have something you enjoy doing, so focus on enjoying that. Then things will start to change for the better, I can tell you they will since even though I live in the third world, have to risk getting assaulted or killed everytime I go outside, make a meager living... even with all that shit, I get by and I enjoy the little things this life throws at me.
  10. emily83

    emily83 Well-Known Member

    sorry you've gone through so much.

    hugs to you
  11. skinnylove911

    skinnylove911 Well-Known Member

    Do you feel as if your life is in danger right now? please ring your crisis team or make contact with GP/psych and seek assistance.
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