I should be dead

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Kathy, Jun 7, 2011.

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  1. Kathy

    Kathy Well-Known Member

    The more and more I think about it, the more and more I wish i'd managed last time. When I overdosed. 4 months ago today it happened. I've been feeling so numb lately, like I should be dead but i'm not. I keep getting flashbacks of everything that happened during my attempt. They're enough to make me break down and cry. I just wish i'd managed, but I didn't take enough. The thing is i'd know how much to take this time.

    It's in my head constantly. I went around my house 2 days ago looking to see how many pills we had, how many I had access to. I've just checked the amount on the internet, saw if it would kill me. It would.

    I don't want to do it. It's weird because I don't want to, but i feel like I need to? Like it's inevitable I'll do it and it scares me. I don't want to go through what I did last time. I don't want to go through all of this again, I just want to feel better.

    I'm so confused. I'm 15, while everyone else is worrying about boys and exams, i'm worrying about the fact I got rid of my blades, so I can't self harm. The fact I think i'm going to land myself in hospital again, the fact that I have to restart counseling for an ED I don't even have. The fact that i'm a liar and a fake because i've been told my doctors I have an ED when I don't. The fact i can't feel for anyone because i'm so numb, I can't help people.

    Sorry that was rantish :/
     
  2. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Being your age sucks hun. There is a lot going on and rarely do we get a chance to slow down and relax.

    Throwing away your razors is a good step to show you want to get better.

    Why do you feel like you need to die?
     
  3. Kathy

    Kathy Well-Known Member

    I failed last time. I've had so many chances to do it, so many times i've wanted to do it badly and everytime there's just one thing keeping me here. Is that one thing enough to keep me here that many times though? I just feel like through all the thoughts, and the attempts, I should be gone by now. I keep putting it off, but everytime I get like this I wish i'd already done it, so that I don't have to make the decision to do it.
     
  4. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    May I ask what drove you to first attempt? I cannot relate to failed attempts. How, I can relate to the crushing feeling that comes from failure. Especially when so many more are succeeding around you.

    :hug: talk to me, sometimes outside eyes can see stuff we cannot.
     
  5. Monoka

    Monoka Well-Known Member

    Try not to compare yourself to others around you, we of all people know how its possible to hide an entire personality and show one thats more 'acceptable'. :(

    well done with the blades, proud of you.

    mind if i ask why you lied about the ED, are you trying to disguise the symptoms of depression?

    :hug:
    Stay Safe hun.
     
  6. Kathy

    Kathy Well-Known Member

    I don't even know what drove me to my first one really. It's complicated, not one thing alone.

    I didn't lie about my ED. I don't have an ED, I told the doctors the truth and apparently the truth means I have an ED, although I do not. I feel like a fake saying I have an ED, and doctors saying I have one, when I don't.
     
  7. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    :sweat: I don't know what ED is.

    I know it is never just one thing that makes us suicidal. Try to think back to when you first thought "That is the last straw". Maybe if you fix some of these underlying reasons you will feel better.
     
  8. Kathy

    Kathy Well-Known Member

    ED = Eating disorder

    I'd had suicidal thoughts for a few days but on that day they where just going through my head the whole time. I'd argued with my parents, I hadn't done all the homework I should of done because my parents had made me go out with them... and then shouted at me for staying up too late doing homework.

    I'd got rid of my blades the day before too, so I didn't have them to use as a release. I was having suicidal thoughts constantly. Like visions of what I was going to do, and things I guess just got me down. Before I did it I was sat in front of my mirror crying and I realised how much of a mess I was, and how much I wanted me to be gone. I hated me.
     
  9. Sucidiekid

    Sucidiekid New Member

    I know exactly how you feel when you say, "Numb". It's like all this pain put into you emotionally has made you apathetic to the care of happiness or other feelings at all. It's like being physically hurt so bad that the body has nothing to do, but release hormones to keep you from suffering or fainting. However, it's more of an emotional trigger... it makes you so under stimulated you will swear you were a walking zombie in the world. This zombie feeling doesn't feel like immortality--I can remember my sister trying to tickle me and my dad pressing on my nerve in shoulder and to no avail I felt anything... I'm making a post on this, because it's been bothering me for a while and I feel now as if I should kill myself.

    Besides that I really want you to get through what you're going through considering you are only 15 and have so much to live for being that young there's still more room for mistakes.
     
  10. LoveBeing

    LoveBeing Well-Known Member

    Dear Kathy,

    You said “I can’t help people”. How about starting by helping yourself first? I feel you have a heart of gold. Helping yourself is like helping people in a way for now…

    You are only 15. It can be confusing as your body may be like an adult’s now, which may make you feel that you should be able to deal with more things like adults do. Your ability in handling things will grow as you have more experiences in life. This is normal. It helps a lot if we can ACCEPT ourselves the way we are and do the best we can. That‘s all what we can do, really. (Do not feel guilty for anything whatsoever as guilt does not do anyone any good. Those who really want to help you would not want you to feel guilty, either.)

    You know you are NOT a liar or fake. You are just doing what is probably necessary for now. It’s important that you trust yourself. It’s hard when the professionals like doctors tell you something about you which does not feel true to you (even though their intention is to try to help you).

    Please feel for yourself and be kind to yourself…
     
  11. Kathy

    Kathy Well-Known Member

    I know i'm only 15 but that only makes it seem worse. Like I shouldn't be like this at this age, there's something wrong with me.

    And if after 15 years living i'm like this, what am i going to be like after 20? 30?

    I know i regret that I survived the last attempt, but i'm not quite there at doing it again, because i'm petrified of failing again. I have so many horrible memories from the hospital, and if i fail again i'll feel even worse. A part of me doesn't want to die but I need to make the decision at some point, or i'll just be regretting my whole life that i'm not dead. I just don't know when the right time is. I need to hurt people the least possible.
     
  12. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    :hug: Everything will be ok. In just 3 short years you will be rid of your parents. :dry: My mom was similar to your mom. She would yell at me because I had not done my homework. Then make me do family time... then yell at me again when I came home with a zero because I was too lazy to do my homework.

    I know that it seems like a long time now. However, one thing I noticed as I got older, even when I was your age, was time moved faster. I say you should work even harder to do well in school. That way you can get a scholarship. Then you can vanish from your parents lives. They can lay claim to planting the seeds that made you, but not to making you into a successful person

    It seems to me that you parents cause you a lot of stress. I think you want to die more to hurt them than anything else. That is never a good reason to kill yourself. One thing I have learned from life is you need to be patient.
     
  13. LoveBeing

    LoveBeing Well-Known Member

    Dear Kathy,

    I say you are only 15 as I know you will feel different about lots of things when you are older…as I did (I still remember how much I wished to leave my parents’ home when I was about 13, to the point of wanting to die as well)… It does not make it seem worse. It just means that you deserve to have more time and experiences before you make such a “final” decision…

    Each of us is unique in our own way. Who is to say what is “normal“, how we “should” be like, what is “right” or “wrong” with us? We do not have to be really concerned about what others think about us…

    It’s helpful that you have realized or noticed that part of you does not want to die. I encourage you to stay with this part of you and give yourself more time…

    Here is a video clip about Nick…He has no arms, no legs…and he says: “I Love Living Life…” There is a little bit about his childhood, too. He also felt life was pointless at some point... Please have a look and see for yourself:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H8ZuKF3dxCY&feature=related
     
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