The more and more I think about it, the more and more I wish i'd managed last time. When I overdosed. 4 months ago today it happened. I've been feeling so numb lately, like I should be dead but i'm not. I keep getting flashbacks of everything that happened during my attempt. They're enough to make me break down and cry. I just wish i'd managed, but I didn't take enough. The thing is i'd know how much to take this time.
It's in my head constantly. I went around my house 2 days ago looking to see how many pills we had, how many I had access to. I've just checked the amount on the internet, saw if it would kill me. It would.
I don't want to do it. It's weird because I don't want to, but i feel like I need to? Like it's inevitable I'll do it and it scares me. I don't want to go through what I did last time. I don't want to go through all of this again, I just want to feel better.
I'm so confused. I'm 15, while everyone else is worrying about boys and exams, i'm worrying about the fact I got rid of my blades, so I can't self harm. The fact I think i'm going to land myself in hospital again, the fact that I have to restart counseling for an ED I don't even have. The fact that i'm a liar and a fake because i've been told my doctors I have an ED when I don't. The fact i can't feel for anyone because i'm so numb, I can't help people.
Sorry that was rantish :/
It's in my head constantly. I went around my house 2 days ago looking to see how many pills we had, how many I had access to. I've just checked the amount on the internet, saw if it would kill me. It would.
I don't want to do it. It's weird because I don't want to, but i feel like I need to? Like it's inevitable I'll do it and it scares me. I don't want to go through what I did last time. I don't want to go through all of this again, I just want to feel better.
I'm so confused. I'm 15, while everyone else is worrying about boys and exams, i'm worrying about the fact I got rid of my blades, so I can't self harm. The fact I think i'm going to land myself in hospital again, the fact that I have to restart counseling for an ED I don't even have. The fact that i'm a liar and a fake because i've been told my doctors I have an ED when I don't. The fact i can't feel for anyone because i'm so numb, I can't help people.
Sorry that was rantish :/