I should be happy, but I want to die instead.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by evagendo814, Oct 21, 2012.

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  1. evagendo814

    evagendo814 New Member

    I'll try to keep this post as short as possible.

    I'm new to this site...but I've been struggling with depression/suicidal thoughts for over 14 years...they come and go. I'm at a place in my life where, in theory, I should be happy. But I'm not. I can't remember being so miserable and worthless as I do now. I've gone through major changes, moved out of my parents' house and am living in Brooklyn, working on a job I've always wanted. I was with a guy that I was head over heels in love with, only to find out he never felt the same way, but I have to see him almost every day because I work with him and am reminded of what happened and what can never be. Whenever I talk to him (he claims to try to be a friend, and since he's the only person I know up here, I confide in him and tell him how I'm feeling), he tells me that I should be happy with where I am in my life. I know that and it only frustrates me further that I'm just perhaps ungrateful about life. I feel incredibly isolated and I feel like I have no one to turn to that understands me. I have a hard time adjusting to living in an entirely new place and suddenly I find myself having to move to another place again in just a few weeks after living here for two months. It's just too much to handle. I feel it's a silly thing to want to die over, but there's been so many times where I have to just sit and bury my head in my hands and sob, because I'm afraid I'm going to lose it and die. That I'm going to hurt my family back home. I just spend my weekends laying in bed wishing I could vanish.
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and welcome...so glad you posted...and yes, Brooklyn can do that to you (LOL, I live in Brooklyn too)...have you sought treatment for how you are feeling? There are so many times when we cannot solve our issues alone, and now is a good time to do that so that your new endeavors can be met with more success. Hope you will consider this and welcome again
  3. evagendo814

    evagendo814 New Member

    Thank you for your response, Sadeyes. Yeah, I don't think I'm a city person. I have considered treatment, and am trying to find a place (I don't have insurance) that won't dry up my bank account. Thank you again for your response and suggestion.
  4. Aria11

    Aria11 Member

    Hi Eva,
    I have been where you are now. Moved to a big city, working a great job and I only knew my x over there. I got depressed and felt very much alone. I couldn't sleep most of the time, would cry for no reason, would wake up every day thinking today will be my last, isolated myself from the world.. You can avoid all of that if you seek help. I used to be anti-psych drugs but after I have tried them (I am bipolar so been on all kinds of stuffs), I dont think they are that bad anymore.. but behavioural therapy should accompany meds. You might gain weight but otherwise, things will get a lot better.
    I hope you feel better soon. Also, I ended up moving elsewhere so if Brooklyn is not the place for you (especially that you work with your x), try to move somewhere else.
    All the best.
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