I should be afraid of myself now, I have a method within reach, it's so tempting me. Every day this feeling goes on its worse because I run out of "things I tried to do to feel better and have hope". I tried, talking on here, talking to friends and family, tried crisis lines and my doctor somewhat. I have tried distractions, tried searching for meaning and hope, by reading by doing something different... So far it just makes me circle back to this. It's like I am a bug circling the drain in the bathtub... You keep watching for it to finally go down. I keep hoping someone will finally have a deep meaningful conversation with me and it will change everything. But it's not other peoples fault, people have talked with me, I'm just so... Uh disconnected? I'm terrified of upcoming changes in my life and having to be around neglectful abusive people again for a time. I have prayed bitterly on my knees for hours for God to change the necessity of this... But unless we find like 6k laying around... There is no choice. So I am beaten down by money. And then will have to face daily beatings on my psyche and demeaning demanding behaviors from my parents. It's too much to bear thinking on. I am powerless to effect any change on my life. Except it feels like the ultimate change of taking my own life, better this than to be tortured for any length of time by people I despise. Oh God I need someone to talk to so badly, the right person with the right words that touch me, just hasnt come along. Help me.... Anyone.