I should be scared

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Brokenness, May 21, 2013.

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  1. Brokenness

    Brokenness Well-Known Member

    I should be afraid of myself now, I have a method within reach, it's so tempting me. Every day this feeling goes on its worse because I run out of "things I tried to do to feel better and have hope". I tried, talking on here, talking to friends and family, tried crisis lines and my doctor somewhat. I have tried distractions, tried searching for meaning and hope, by reading by doing something different... So far it just makes me circle back to this. It's like I am a bug circling the drain in the bathtub... You keep watching for it to finally go down. I keep hoping someone will finally have a deep meaningful conversation with me and it will change everything. But it's not other peoples fault, people have talked with me, I'm just so... Uh disconnected? I'm terrified of upcoming changes in my life and having to be around neglectful abusive people again for a time. I have prayed bitterly on my knees for hours for God to change the necessity of this... But unless we find like 6k laying around... There is no choice. So I am beaten down by money. And then will have to face daily beatings on my psyche and demeaning demanding behaviors from my parents. It's too much to bear thinking on. I am powerless to effect any change on my life. Except it feels like the ultimate change of taking my own life, better this than to be tortured for any length of time by people I despise. Oh God I need someone to talk to so badly, the right person with the right words that touch me, just hasnt come along. Help me.... Anyone.
  2. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Hi. I wish I had the right words. But I thought that its better to write something, even though they are not the right words. I am sorry your parents are so abusive. I am sorry you have had to endure daily beatings on your psyche. Sometimes answers do not come in the timing we expect. I have heard this so many times I do believe it. I have been in a place where no matter what I tried or did there seemed to be no way out of the abyss.

    Eventually there was some healing and stability of sorts. There was a rewarding life of learning important things and helping people. I lived to help people for many years. Today one of those people told me she would have probably died if I had not helped. Those were years i would have missed if I had taken my life during years of the abyss when there seemed no way out. And yes, it did include the abuse you described when I in fact did move back in with my mother from the ages of 24 to 29.

    Sometimes the answers to what we seek come in ways we never would expect. But one thing is for sure. If we do take our life, then those answers can never come. And we end all chances of making a difference in the world. I do not know what life in the future will hold for you. But I hope you will stay alive to find out.
    Last edited by a moderator: May 22, 2013
  3. Riley2004

    Riley2004 Member

    It sucks that you are facing a return to an abusive situation. How long do you think you'll have to be there?
    I understand the abuse and I believe I would feel the same if I had to be back in it. Is there an approximate date for when you will be able to get out?
    You have your dr. appt. really, really soon. Try to hold on to that as a thing to focus on and look forward to with hope. You are such a good person and have helped me so much, I hate to think of you going into there. Please know that you can say anything and if it helps to just vent about it, just come here and do that. We can check off the days together for when you will be out of there.
  4. Brokenness

    Brokenness Well-Known Member

    Sorry I didn't respond. I ended up fainting and after that I got some Ativan. Finally able to sleep, after so so many days without. Now it seems like its all I can do. *hugs*. Thank you for caring. I really do feel more stable with some sleep. Never felt so exhausted in all my life.
  5. thekindlove

    thekindlove Member

    brokenness....the words that came to my mind when i read your post...."The only way out is through.".......

    please hold on....sending u love.
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