I should be......

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Leiaha, Mar 1, 2009.

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  1. Leiaha

    Leiaha Well-Known Member

    I should be happy, I have no hugely important reason to be suicidal :confused: Quite the contrary tbh, I've had a fabulous past 7 days, on top of the world happy! One thing I do do when I'm happy tho is, I spend huge amounts of money in a very short time :dry:

    Anyway back to the present, I need suggestions please to stay safe and not attempt again. It all feels very tempting at the moment :sad:

    Thanks in advance,

    Lea :badday:
  2. Epical Taylz

    Epical Taylz Well-Known Member

    hey lea.

    hmm have you read a good book or watched a good movie?
    that usually helps sometimes.

    when I'm upset, my mom spends money on me. It's really
    not the best idea, but maybe you could use some money
    to get into a hobby, like sewing, cooking, etc. It's really
    fun actually :shy:

    I hope that helps. I'm here if you need someone to talk to.
    My PM box is just a couple clicks away:hug:
  3. Leiaha

    Leiaha Well-Known Member

    I have loads of hobbies, I even make money off some of them! I'm in the process of turning one of my spare rooms into a craft room. My hobies include:-
    Painting, reading, writing, cross stitch, family history, cooking and card making.

    It's a good suggestion taylor :yes:
    Thanks for replying

    Lea :hug:
  4. jameslyons

    jameslyons Well-Known Member


    Hey there, Lea.

    I was looking in my daily hugs rations and guess what!? I have just enough to giv eyou one great big :hug:. Don't fcus on why you're feeling this way - it's a rabbit hole that only leads to bad places -unlike most rabit holes that just sink down to a rabbit's den where cute little animals are.

    Is there some happy music you can listen to? Or do you have a copy of the Hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy? Remember when Earth was destroyed to make way for a bypass, and how we shouldn't complain because the plans have been in our local Alpha Centari glactic planning office? Or Marvin the robot and the heart of Gold that sighed a breathe of contentment every time it opened a door for somebody?

    Can you go exercising? Or just take a walk?

    You could write you own absurdest encyclopedia - just a small list will do. Discussing the origins of things like blankets - a primitive tool created by early man in hopes of camouflaging themselves from predators such as sabertooth tigers, and Neanderthals who had several bones to pick with homo sapiens regarding the finer points of evolution. Now used to hide from tax auditors, work managers, and above all, the frustratingly cute gaggle of girlscouts selling fatty albeit delicious mint cookies.

    In all seriousness, Lea. Please try to ignore these self-destructive impulses. They're products of depression - symptoms and phantoms. Even though they feel real.


    Or taking a relaxing bath or seeing a bad movie?
  5. Leiaha

    Leiaha Well-Known Member

    Yeah I'm trying to, I can call someone tomorrow if i can wait.

    Thanks james :hug:
    Thanks scum :hug:
  6. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Lea ok now for the doc in me to come out (lol). Have you talked to anyone professional about the "swings" you experience? Low then high for several days and doing things that can be "dangerous" without much thought like spending lots of money? Sounds a little bipolar to me ( I know I am bipolar). I'm not in anyway suggesting you are but just talk to your doc about it. And when the down hits again you are really down!!! Suicidal thoughts down. As for staying safe all I can suggest is that whatever you do..... DONT ISOLATE!! I do all the time and well my last down is proof that it's the last thing you want to do. If you cant find any other distractions please atleast talk to a friend, go for a coffee or even hang here as much as you can. I'm always just a pm away hun so please dont hesitate to drop me a line.
  7. Leiaha

    Leiaha Well-Known Member

    One thing I have done a few times before on a sudden drop like this is to run away. I go on a train to the seaside, book into a guesthouse and OD. This is what I can't get out of my mind tonight, I want to do this in the next few days, first opportunity I get. It almost feels like a compulsion, hell, it really is a compulsion :depressed: I can think of nothing else! I have my bag packed for God's sake! I can't really explain it, I soooo, soooo, soooo, badly want to go............... now but, I dont want to but.................. I HAVE to!!! :confused:

    During one of these escapes I was picked up by the Police and taken to the local Hospital. I refused treatment and was seen by a psychiatrist who sectioned me. He mentioned Bipolar. I was tranferred back to my local hospital 6 days later when I was deemed medically fit. The Psychiatrist here told me not to talk about my feelings because it upsets people and, to kill myself quietly :cry: I have never forgotten that, doubt I ever will :no: Now when I get low that goes round and round my head incessantly.

    I also experience what I can only describe as absences. I can lose a whole day and remember nothing at all for that time. That is scary :nerves:
  8. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Lea,
    I agree with james about maybe lighting some scented candles and running yourself a nice hot bath, then put on some soothing music. Just relax in the hot bath and do some controlled breathing technuiqes..And listen to the music.. This should help relax you a little..Going for a nice walk and enjoying nature and the sun shining on your face.. I also agree you should be around people who love you or even some people in a class or group. Just so your not isolated and have something to distract those thoughts..I am always here for you to talk to..So feel free to PM me...
  9. Leiaha

    Leiaha Well-Known Member

    I can't go for a walk joseph, I have agoraphobia. I'm already isolated because to go anywhere I have to take a taxi door to door. In the last week, in my very happy state, I have spent over £3,000 so, now i cant afford the taxis here, there and everywhere. I know its my own fault and I deserve whatever happens. It seemed a good idea at the time. Not only have I used most of my savings, I also owe money out now too!

    Oh, I don't really care anymore, It doesn't matter anyway, nothing matters at the moment. I'm getting on my own nerves!!!

    Thanks Joseph, you're a good friend :hug:
  10. mdmefontaine

    mdmefontaine Antiquities Friend

    lea.....i did not see this until now.....poor you......

    we are alot alike....i spend money whether happy OR sad though!
    and....we both like reading/writing/and cross stitch! i am working on 2 quilts right now all in cross stitch! :smile:

    but ...at times it is not enough of a distraction. i know.
    i am here...please pm me.....after all YOU did to help me the other day.....!!!

    there are such good ideas in all of these most caring posts.....(((hey. can't beat a spa-bath or the 'hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy"))) but at times it is hard to be soothed......we are all here for you hun....and don't forget to bombard my pm box......i check it obsessively...... let me know how you are....:cheekkiss:console:
  11. Leiaha

    Leiaha Well-Known Member

    I don't know how you all can stand it and not do anything to stop it!! I can't handle it personally!! I can't just sit it out this time.

    Well i've taken 2 sleeping tabs cos I need to switch my head off and sleep. hopefully I'll feel better in the morning :unsure:

    sorry for being a pain, AGAIN!!

    Lea x
  12. Leiaha

    Leiaha Well-Known Member

    Back again. The sleep didn't make any difference. Done all my cleaning etc. I wonder what today will bring?
  13. max0718

    max0718 Well-Known Member

    Hi Lea,

    I agree with itmahanh that your condition sounds like bipolar. If it is, then you have to get some help. Bipolar disorder isn't something you take chances with. There are medication that can help. If you really feel that you can't trust yourself, why not go to the ER? If you book yourself into a psychiatric hospital, you can stay as long as YOU want to. It also gives the doctors time to start you on medication and usually (from what I've heard), you're more balanced when you come out.

    I am sorry you had such a bad experience with your psych, but do believe me when I say that there are good ones out there. You just have to find a one that you feel a connection with and that you trust. I know how it feels to want to end it all. I am also a stone's throw from setting a date myself, but my family is keeping me here for the moment.

    If there is anything that you feel you want to talk about, feel free to pm or just post again. You said you can't handle it, but you've gotten this far. Don't sell yourself short! Anyway, take care and hope you feel better soon!
  14. Leiaha

    Leiaha Well-Known Member

    I feel soooo close tonight. I'm trying to act 'normal', laugh, join in etc. It's so hard to talk. I feel kind of disconnected from my body like my mind is elsewhere. Like i ahve squatters in my body who have tied 'me' up and locked me out. Now I sound really crazy :sad:

    I just don't want to be here anymore. I can't trust anyone professional except my psychologist and she is on leave for 2 weeks.

    I might aswell just get on with it, I have very weird compulsions tonight that not only confuse me but, they terrify me too :nerves:
  15. Mandy1

    Mandy1 Antiquities Friend & Senior Member

  16. jameslyons

    jameslyons Well-Known Member

    Hey Lea,

    I'm sorry to hear that sleeping didn't work very well. Bad sleep :mad:! Don't worry about being crazy - everyone's crazy here :biggrin: Please don't listen in to those compulsions, they sound like nothing but bad news.

    Can you take a moment to write out how you're feeling. Writing really tires the brain out - after a stint, you feel exhausted in a good way. It may help...I already suggested that didn't I...?

    Anyhow, you're a great person, and I really want you to be safe.

  17. Leiaha

    Leiaha Well-Known Member

    Yes I'll do that later, I keep journals anyway, always have done. They have become a log of my depression. when I am gone people can read them and hopefully understand why I did it. I hope so anyway

    Thanks everyone :grouphug:
  18. Leiaha

    Leiaha Well-Known Member

    Thanks everyone
  19. Leiaha

    Leiaha Well-Known Member

    Oh WTH, I give up!! Today I got the push i need, i found out my true worth.
  20. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    No you havent found your true worth Lea!!! You found the cold and uncaring response of some jerks that have forgotten that they are dealing with real people that have real problems!!! Dont do it hun. Your real worth as the loving and caring person you are comes shining through each time you have posted and tried to help others here. Each time you tell others here how much you love your childrenand how much they mean to you. And yes each time you reach out for help here. So please keep reaching out Lea. Screw the docs and just listen to those that care about you. Keep yourself safe and let us help you stay that way hun.
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