I should have known I could not re-build my world - why have I wasted my time trying

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by son, Apr 22, 2012.

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  1. son

    son Member

    I have had a crap 14 months...I have got very close to ending it all...method prepared, letters written, mobile phone addresses changed so family members can not be identified.....goodbye texts saved in drafts....

    But somehow I have kept going....and was not easy - one thing that me going were my friends....but now I am realising that I am a burden to them too... Those I would say were my best mates and know most things are all together today - and have not included me in their arrangements....

    I know that it is a girl thing to be paranoid when friends dont reply, communicate etc. But this get together is showing that I am a burden......

    People say - talk to your friends, they would be horrified if they knew that you are feeling suicidal and did not share etc... all well meaning shallow words......

    Its me and only me against the world....and therefore there is no purpose - no husband (he left me without warning and without reason) and now no friends...I dont want to grow old - I want a reason to be struggling through all this - a reason to feel this way - a reason that is worth it for me - I know that is selfish...I now need to find that reason and quickly.......as I now wish I had gone through with my plans when I was at Bondi Beach a few months ago........
     
  2. spidy

    spidy Well-Known Member

    Re: I should have known I could not re-build my world - why have I wasted my time try

    Hey feeling your pain my depression managed to get rid of my friends to but to me they wernt great friends.It does seem world is against you first signs of depression you do need to find some help and first point you reached here so you want to get better.At the moment is about you as you need to look after yourself best you can and prob with some guidance.Never feel your a burden as this is not true.Ppl do find suicidal thoughts hard to deal with hence why friends run they just dont know what to do.The sooner you get help the easier it will be to get over and im not saying its walk in park but longer makes it harder believe me.My wife did same to me and i know that hurts but hey i am not giving satisfaction to somebody by giving up and thats way to look at it.Please take care and let steam off here thats why forum here and we are all supportive.
     
  3. son

    son Member

    Re: I should have known I could not re-build my world - why have I wasted my time try

    Thanks - I have had help, medication, couseling - but when you are trying to sort out your husband going, taking my step daughter too, losing my job (a decision we made together) and as a result of my husbands choices i have lost my home..... i have lost my husband, my daughter (step) and therefore i have lost my mom role, i have lost my career and cant get anything, i have lost my home and now it seems my friends.....nothing seems to anchor itself and therefore ending it all seems the logical next phase and makes me feel peaceful...

    I am really pleased to hear that you are strong at the moment and you should be really proud of yourself - i hope you are
     
  4. spidy

    spidy Well-Known Member

    Re: I should have known I could not re-build my world - why have I wasted my time try

    can i say just been through this crap myself with my 4 kids was where you are at things are at the lowest at the moment and yeah seems life is hard to build again but rocky road ahead you can do it as apposed to ending it as that is final.I ll be honest i still fight those thoughts but i know im no good dead and things i learn i just try to make a stronger person of myself.I know it all seems hard now is why working with somebody helps those bumps you do create a well being.
     
  5. son

    son Member

    Re: I should have known I could not re-build my world - why have I wasted my time try

    I know all you say is right.....but as you will know - there are times when finishing things off now - saves it happening later at some point... and at least now I will be in control and not some doddery old woman a real burden to others.....let everyone else get on with their lives without me in the background seems the right thing to do for my husband, my step daughter, my friends and my family - I dont want to feel like this any more...
     
  6. spidy

    spidy Well-Known Member

    Re: I should have known I could not re-build my world - why have I wasted my time try

    I understand you are going through real hard emotions at the moment but you top yourself that will be more a burden on these ppl i kid you not.You may feel like an outcast at the moment but you have a chance to make yourself somebody and that is you.You need time to rebuild yourself and dont feel bad about that as we all fall and as much as those thoughts are there dont let them control your rational thinking they are irrational.Sometimes we get tested and this it be strong fight become stronger youve made the first step reached out here take it further i know all seems lost right now but when you start getting that strength back things become clearer does take time but the fight is worth it
     
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