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i shouldnt be here anymore ***Gaphic ***

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by _Lily_, Apr 17, 2014.

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  1. _Lily_

    _Lily_ Forum Buddy

    Am feeling like i shouldnt be here anymore
    i know id break my husband heart if i killed myself that one reason why i havent done it
    the other reason is my biological dad has heat problems i dont want him to have a heart attack because of me
    He is ill as it is

    Am so close to doing it want to cut my wrists keep wanting to go to the train station
    i will not say what for but you can most likely guess what am going to do there
    I just finding everything so hard am in crisis my husband knows he trying to understand
    i just want to destroy myself because am worthless am hardly eating must be about 600 calories today and exercise walking and my bike
    I dont want to eat any more would stop eating all together but my husband will be pissed off if i dont eat something
    i dont see the point in it at all
    I havent cut in 9 weeks want to cut over and over blood everywhere just bleed out
    sorry if this is a little graphic
    I need to do it and soon
    ....dont know if i can stop myself
  2. mark b

    mark b Well-Known Member

    Please seek professional support. Contact your doctor in the morning.
  3. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    I wouldn't wait til the morning - I'd seek immediate professional support.
  4. morning rush

    morning rush Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry you're in so much pain. I hate eating too, I do because I have no choice but really if it was up to me I would never eat. But perhaps you need to find professional support? do you have a doctor you can talk to? maybe try meds? it can help with your overwhelming feelings. Perhaps do counselling with your husband so he can understand what is going on and get help in learning how to support you?

    I'm glad you found this website and that you're talking with us though, keep at it, people here listen and do their best to support :hug:
  5. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    I am SO sorry to read that you are in this great amount of pain. I can tell by reading your words that you are a caring person. You mention your dad's health and also your husbands feelings. I understand not feeling like I shouldnt be here anymore. For it is feeling like I do not deserve anything. There are things that keep me alive. Different things from you. Mostly I am not at all convinced that death from suicide will bring me the results I want after death. The bottom line is that I hope you can find some counseling and even medications. I know many people who have tried medications and after countless different ones realized they did not help. And I have met many more people who ended up finding the right medications to help. Perhaps the symptoms did not go away entirely. But they helped enough to at least make life more bearable. Counseling has helped people as well. I do not know if you have exhausted those options. But I did want to mention them.

    Also, have you thought about calling the samaritans? Here is the webpage that is posted at sf for them
    And here is the contact info they have on their Scotland webpage:
    To contact Samaritans for emotional support , please call 08457 90 90 90 or email jo@samaritans.org

    I hope you stay alive. AND I hope you find some healthy relief. From counsling and from medication. Again. I REALLY am sorry that you are in so much pain.
  6. _Lily_

    _Lily_ Forum Buddy

    I feel so fucked up i keep having visions of me going to the train station and me pushing people in front of the trains and then me jumping in front of one
    i keep thinking that am going to stab my husband or pushing him in front of a car or bus
    am so fucked up i want to tell someone but they just going to say its just thoughts because of my OCD
    i keep planning things like running away to do some bad things to myself and other people
    i know i should just ignore it but i cant
    i feel like everyone is in danger because of me
  7. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    If you feel everyone is in danger because of you-SEEK IMMEDIATE MEDICAL ATTENTION.. Don't wait until you hurt someone or yourself. Call your local hospital and talk to the crisis team there. If that is not available,present yourself at the hospital...please do this.
  8. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Aisha, please do listen to *Music* There are medications that will keep you and otherss safe. But it is very important that you go to emergency and get those medications ASAP. Or call someone NOW to get to medical attention. DO NOT WAIT. Please do this for us, those who care about you. If you cannot do it for yourself. It is VERY important that you do this now. Please, NOW!!
  9. BlueSky

    BlueSky Member

    I agree. Don't let these feelings build up inside you - it will only make it worse. If you don't think you can stop yourself, find help IMMEDIATELY. We care about you, and we don't want to see you or anyone else get hurt.
  10. _Lily_

    _Lily_ Forum Buddy

    i have to die was at the movies today with my husband voices telling me to hurt people
    i have to die its my own fault
  11. _Lily_

    _Lily_ Forum Buddy

    Am going to call some one
    most of the time they tell me to go to bed
  12. I can't handle any of this. Every time I try to get better, it only hits me harder. I hate waking up in the mornings, it just reminds me that I've failed my suicide attempts and that I have to continue on with this bullshit. I'm just tired. I'm so tired of being alive. I can't eat, it disgusts me. Every time I do, it makes me want to cry because I know I have no willpower and I'm only getting fatter. The way people look at me makes me want to jump off a cliff. I look so different from all the pretty girls and everyone knows it. I can't make it through most school days without hurting myself with any sharp object I can find. I can't sleep anymore. I'll just lay there and remember all the times I've messed up and every negative thing I've ever done. When people try to talk to me, I just want to stop breathing. It makes me sick because I know I'm ugly. I don't want them to look at me. I'm only a waste of space and money to my family. I'm vegetarian and I know that they have to buy separate foods for me to eat. My family acts like everything I do is wrong. I can't talk to them without them telling me I'm being stupid. My mom makes fun of me every time I eat. "Got a big appetite today, porker." I'm not wanted. I don't feel like I should be alive anymore. The only reason I'm still here is because funerals are an inconvenience and I don't have life insurance yet. When I do kill myself, I know it will hurt the person that cares about me. I'm fucking useless and I feel so alone even when I'm in a crowd.
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