i shouldnt even bother posting

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by dotcomz9, Jul 19, 2008.

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  1. dotcomz9

    dotcomz9 Member

    Are you really going to tell me something I havent heard? Have you ever tried helping a person whos literally had an entire lifetime of having nobody, no friends or family that makes them feel better about anything. A person that literally gets avoided and ignored by anyone that they try to talk to or make friends with. Im almost 22 but have already been isolated to the point where im completely damaged, cant socialize, cant make friends, cant be outside, cant get a job, cant have fun, cant do anything that brings me any sort of pleasure, at this point every single thing i think about makes me feel like im getting stabbed in the chest, i cant even get any sort of fun or pleasure or contentment, and i feel like this for about 95% of my day, everything i do i have to force myself to do, theres no such thing as me having fun, me doing something that would be considered "fun" would only be me painfully forcing myself out of the house and then forcing myself to do some sort of activity thats not even fun cause i have to force myself to do it. not to mention i just dont function normally or think or act normally when trying to have fun
  2. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Sounds as if you are suffering from social anxiety of some sort. Are you undergoing counselling for your issues? This is not something you can fight on your own. I hope you can deal with these issues so you can have a life again.
  3. DrowningInTears

    DrowningInTears Well-Known Member

    no i cant say anything u havent heard ill send u and internet huggle i know it wont help much :hug: i cant really get a job either. i have a crappy part time one that i cant stand and i try to find a new one but never any luck nobody calls back or is interested i continue this cycle of shame.
  4. lifeisashedog

    lifeisashedog Well-Known Member

    Well... no. But you can come to coffe house and play games. I reccomend "Last post is the winner" and "In my pants".

    Welcome to the Suicide Forum. Sorry you are here. :welcome:
  5. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I can well relate to your Isolation! I have been Isolated for fourteen years. My self I have learned to accept it and to live with it. My therapist says it is because I have stagnated for so long that I have given up, and I don't care what happens to me.
    I have been seeing her for three years and she has me getting out of the house a little more. I no longer need my sister to take me to my appointments. I am driving myself to therapy, to the doctor, to my regular doctor, and to the grocery store. For now that is good enough because I still
    panic and sometimes I have to pull over and sit there until the anxiety passes.
    I have to let those thoughts go because I have enough going on in my head. My thoughts get all jumbled up and when I am talking to someone I will be saying something and boom the thought is gone and I stand there looking like an idiot. My brothers friends are always dropping by when I go up there for the weekend to help me get out of the house. When they are there I just stand there and listen. Some of them are pretty rude. I want to punch them right in the teeth. They start talking about ******s and I have to walk away because I will do something if I stay there. My grandaughter is half black and she is intelligent, well mannered, and beautiful. I love her with all my heart.
    They are moving back down here so I will be able to have them back in my life. They are a major deterent to me commiting.:chopper:
  6. peacegirl

    peacegirl Well-Known Member

    Sometimes the words we use in defining ourselves actually create a self-fulfilling prophesy. You say you are damaged. By saying this you are convincing yourself that there is no hope; that you can't change because there is something about you that is different than everyone else. This is not true because we all come from the same source, which is love. The only difference between you and someone else that is more successful in his relationships is that there is a cloud hanging over your head that is preventing you from seeing the truth about who you really are. :)
  7. dotcomz9

    dotcomz9 Member

    none of this helps me, theres no self fulfilling crap here, things are the way they are. Im still just sitting here in my room crying worrying about everything wishing i wasnt alone all the damn time, i cant handle this feeling im sick of the sadness this life if ridiculous what reason is there to WANT to live? there isnt, not for me. Do you really think your life would change if i werent around? no it wouldnt, nobodys would. There isnt a single thing that i do that ppl like, ive been a burden and annoyance to everyone ive come in contact with, theres no reason to live if nobody wants you around and has real reason to want you around, and isnt just saying something because nobody else will.
  8. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    It sounds like you have it all figured out! We here at the forum are hear to show support and give advice. We aren't here to be critisized!!
  9. peacegirl

    peacegirl Well-Known Member

    I want you to be around, and everyone here also wants you to be around. Please continue to weed out what is true and what isn't, because I believe you have convinced yourself that what is true is real. And I also believe that this is the deception, for if you realized how important you are, you would never think of suicide.
  10. Random21

    Random21 Member

    If you really feel that no one would miss you or care or it wouldn't affect them than that should be a reason to live. You want to be a part of the lives of other people thts why you are so upset, the good ting is wanting people to care is normal and healthy. I close friend of mine killed himself in April, he honstly believed that no one would miss him or care. He was especially sure that one of his friends wouldn't even cry at his funeral and boy was he wrong. We all cared and that one friend is the one who is grieving the most. I'm not sayng that this you. I don't know you just that extreme depression distorts everything.
  11. peacegirl

    peacegirl Well-Known Member

    Everybody's life is affected by everyone else. That's just it; we are all basically connected. Your life contributes to the lives of others in a positive way (which is your birthright), or in a negative (due to cultural conditioning). If you just could get this, you wouldn't feel so worthless. You are not worthless, even though you can't see it right now. You are just as important as me and everyone else. I just wish you could believe this, because it is true. ;)
  12. dotcomz9

    dotcomz9 Member

    Oh really, well if critisizing you is the only way to get you to say things that will help people on this forum then i will. Way to make fun of a suicidal guy btw. I wasnt talking to anyone specific, just saying how i felt, cause nothing anyone said was something i havent heard before.

    Im sick of people giving me their psycobabble idea of what they think im doing and what sort of "treatment" they think helps. None of it does, nothing new has ever been thrown out there.
  13. dotcomz9

    dotcomz9 Member

    Oh you want me to be around? Why? You have no reason, i havent brought u any fun or joy to want to return, youre just saying what you have to say to try to help someone, which is why it doesnt help me.

    All i am is just another person, theres lots of people, the only thing special about me is that is the fact that im so pathetic and creepy, im so tired of this
  14. Nogo

    Nogo Member

    Being isolated your whole life can obviously screw up your head. It doesn't sound like you're a very busy person, I'm sure therapy would do much more harm than good. Easier said than done, but if you have no attachments at your current location, try getting away from it all... move somewhere, get a job, a therapist for your social problems, try to start over.

    Someone told me this once, "It sounds like you need to give living a chance before you try out death."

    It seems like you came here to rant instead of looking for help, though.
  15. Dead Alive

    Dead Alive Active Member

    Peace... just breathe and calm down...

    Your right, there are no solutions. Accept it. Accept your reality. When you are able to do this... maybe you can move on with your life despite what is going on. Accept your reality. Just accept what is bothering you and rest your soul.
  16. pinkpetals33

    pinkpetals33 Well-Known Member

    Dotcom, you say that 95% of the time you feel that way.....

    What does the other 5% feel like?

    I can relate to your thoughts about people's authenticity......I'm curious, do you know when people in your life are truly genuine in being caring or concerned vs people on message boards ?
  17. dotcomz9

    dotcomz9 Member

    Oh really? No, I wasnt ranting......NOW im going to rant thanks to you being a dick.

    Do you have any idea how useless and unhelpfull a post like this is....what the hell is your problem??? Why dont tell me why YOUR ass is here huh?

    I have made ZERO replies to any thread other than this one, I have not given a single idea or piece of advice to someone else on this forum, and do you know why?? Because I dont know of anything that works!!! DUH! DUH! But you, obviously you have everyone figured out and have the answers because of the fact that you are here giving those answers, all because YOU feel like YOU have it figured out.

    Well you sure are good at this, you just managed to piss off a guy whos VERY close to suicide when your supposed to be helping. I have nothing and nobody, no friends, no family to talk to, just a cat, just 1 cat, after my 2 others ran away from me recently. And this physical pain from anxiety that hits me in the chest like getting stabbed every time I think about whats going to happen to me when I go outside of my apt. Im always too restless to sleep when i try to, and im too tired to do anything, at any time of the day.

    Im getting to that point where im starting to lose wieght cause ive been too anxious to go get food or go shopping for a while now. I got a few things at the store once in the past month and a half. Recently ive been spending most of my day laying in bed rocking back and forth trying to ease the pain in my chest thinking about how much i want to die, sometimes i do that on the computer, sometimes i do it in front of the TV. Either way im always rocking or shaking something trying to get rid of the pain or take my mind off of it. And that takes up 95% of my day, after doing this for about 10 or so hours i start to get really really hungry, but i cant leave my apt, it just doesnt happen that often. So ill sit there and wish i wasnt so pathetic and that i could just go get food and be happy. About 4 or 5 hours of this and i usually fall asleep, though even when im sleeping im thinnking, and actively aware of my thinking. I wake up some hours later, in so much anxious pain that it takes me 1 or 2 hours of turning over and fidgeting just to get out of bed and go pee. So at this point im not hungry from the day before anymore, and the whole exact same cycle starts again, I sit around fidgeting staring at the wall or the tv, get hungry, usually sit there and be hungry, fall asleep, repeat. In the past few weeks i went to get fast food maybe 5 or 6 times. Im starting to lose my apetite for food anyway, it doesnt really bother me to eat every other day.

    Whats my point? im starting to get really bad, worse than ive ever been, and i cant handle the physical pain im always feeling in my chest combined with the constant crying and severe depression.

    All of this stems from ppl continuously rejecting me and ignoring me. And for some reason EVERYONE including psycologists come up with the same crap and end up trying to simply tell me that i HAVENT been continuously rejected and ignored. You wanna try and tell me that too? You know my situation better than myself? You know whats happened to me better than i do?

    No you dont, and if you want to argue that most ppl are good and nice, well then your just delusional, ppl pretend to be good and nice, thats what the human animal has learned is appropriate to be. In other words ppl are fake, they will "act" nice, but theres nothing else ever there for me. Nobody ever gives me anything but typical aquaintance treatment, in other words im not special to anyone (go ahead, think it, "but you are special to SOMEONE out there", right, cause you know me better than i know myself, gotcha, im gonna go ahead and throw out all my life experience that tells me otherwise and simply listen to you, blindy believe in something thats not true just because you said so).

    None of you have any reason to think that im delusional about the way ppl have treated me in my life, but you do it anyway, cause thats your only solution.

    So ya, I guess i dont have any real depression or issues to want help with, im just here to rant (even though i could do that ANYWHERE on the internet), I dont want help, im not about to kill myself. PPl dont treat me badly right? And im supposed to just say "OH OMG youre right that fixed me" to anyone that posts anything? Or just nothing at all? If nothing anyone is saying is helping (keep in mind that my problem is im going to kill myself if i dont get help) im supposed to just say oh well, they tried, time to go kill myself? Heres a secret for you ppl (not an actual secret btw), suicidal ppl would rather live than die, id rather live than die, i simply dont have a reason to continue trying to live. I want someone to give me a reason to live. If i didnt want someone to help me i wouldnt continue replying telling you guys what doesnt and hasnt worked, DO YOU GET IT YET?

    My "ranting" according to you is simply me proving someones idea or theory wrong. And when it comes to this situation, its kind of important to have things that ACTUALLY help. I cant bull shit my way into feeling better.

    Gimme a real reason someone, A REAL reason. I dont think you can, especially on the internet. Well you could, maybe if my thoughts werent so disagreed with i wouldnt be so isolated.
  18. dotcomz9

    dotcomz9 Member

    I dont understand what your point is. Ya, I can tell, are you gonna tell me that I cant actually tell when ppl are being genuine? And is it really my fault that ive been conditioned to expect to be told that im wrong? And to defend myself against being even more isolated? Cause whenever someone tells me im wrong I get more isolated and lonely.

    Try and imagine a world where nobody agrees with anything you think. Its isolating. How do you think it makes me feel when I come here and get told that im wrong, that im just delusional or paranoid or distorted from isolation whatever you want to think.
  19. Nogo

    Nogo Member

    Perhaps they weren't rants, but your posts all seemed to be made in an unsettling manner.

    If you came here for help, here's my suggestion: If you have/had a therapist you should contact him. If not, get one. Print out this thread, show it to him. If you want to help yourself like you say, then do it asap.

    This is only a forum. I really don't think you can come here and hope to find a new outlook on life. A simple post won't provide that. We can only incite and provide our opinions. Coming here with an open mind is the only way you will get anything out of being here. I'm here to enlighten you however I can, not with intent to upset you.

    As for why I'm here, you're welcome to read my thread. It is in this section.
  20. noplacetogo

    noplacetogo Well-Known Member

    This isn't anything new, but it sounds like you need some friends. some real friends. I know you keep saying you get rejected, is there a reason why you do? do you have a strange facial deformity? or is it the way you interact with people? or do you not know? I know i was alone for a long time because I was acting really standoffish to people. being alone all the time does strange things to you whether you want to believe it or not, and usually the only thing that can cure social phobia is to be social which is of course a conundrum.
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