i shouldnt get involved but...

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by meaningless-vessel, Aug 1, 2012.

  1. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    .... The way my sister's other half is with his kids really got to me tonight.

    Shouting at a 4 year old. Instead of doing what a health worker has said, is affecting not only the kid, but my sister too. I gave a suggestion and was told by my sister that he'd called up saying I was telling him what to do. Yet I'm not fully aware what goes on, as my sister pointed out, I don't know what's been said, and I feel highly agitated :rant:

    But he doesn't see this, and I feel gutted for my sister having this happen, because she can't afford not to work. And it's only viable for her to work evenings but that's under pressure with this.

  2. Samara

    Samara Account Closed

    Something I learned in therapy to help appropriately try and change a situation fairly to all involved is to use the 3 F's.

    I found this online, and it partly discusses what I will further bring around to what you need, but this applies to the parents initially in how they should effectively be asking the child to do something, or comply etc... so that the child learns the lessons and understands where the needs are coming from.

    The “3 Fs” of Effective Parenting

    Discipline should be:

    Firm: Consequences should be clearly stated and then adhered to when the inappropriate behavior occurs.

    Fair: The punishment should fit the crime. Also in the case of recurring behavior, consequences should be stated in advance so the child knows what to expect. Harsh punishment is not necessary. Using a simple Time Out can be effective when it is used consistently every time the behavior occurs. Also, use of reward for a period of time like part of a day or a whole day when no Time Outs or maybe only one Time Out is received.

    Friendly: Use a friendly but firm communication style when letting a children know they have behaved inappropriately and let them know they will receive the “agreed upon” consequence. Encourage them to try to remember what they should do instead to avoid future consequences. Work at “catching them being good” and praise them for appropriate behavior.

    This same method can be related when done between adults (I.E. one adult to another) only this time, it needs to be changed to the following:

    Step 1: FACTS Mention in an unbias way what has happened. "I noticed that you yelled at ____" Or "You raised your voice to ____".

    Pointing out the event, without blaming, or judgement at this point. Just simply stating what has happened, in the simplest way, and that you noticed it. This makes the person aware of the fact that you are now going to discuss it, and brings their attention to it, without instant blame being parted onto the person you want to see change from. They will be more open to what you have to say next, as a result.

    Step 2: FEELINGS.... "When you do _____ I feel ______" or "Sometimes I feel like ____ when you are _____". In other words you are easing into it by letting someone know exactly how you are feeling in a situation. This lets them know nicely that you are about to talk about how something is wrong, but doesn't immediately point or blame them. It communicates a need, without dumping judgement or intense criticism on another person. It also tells the person that you are asking for something now, and they are more likely to pay attention to what you say when you bring in how you feel about it.

    If you only talk about what they are doing wrong, and never reference where that is coming from or how that concern generated on your end, the other person will feel attacked. Explaining how you feel also lets the person know that you are coming from a rational place, and that you are considering more aspects here, than they would otherwise realize.

    Expressing concern, hurt, anger etc... in this way makes the person pay attention to what you are about to ask now....

    Step 3: Fair Request... "Could you please lower your tone when you are trying to get ____ to do ____?" Or "Could you please try _____ next time?" etc...

    The fair request has to be something that you ask the person to do reasonably, as a result of having pointed out the fact, now expressed how you feel when the event occurs, and now asking for change that is reasonable. The request should be something that this person could reasonably do, and should be asked in a way that does not tell the person what to do, but rather gives them the option to choose to say yes or no to you.

    Whenever you tell a person what to do, without letting them know where it was coming from, will always make a person pull up their defences, under which circumstances the ego is now activated and they will not listen to any requests from your end. Asking them, if they could make an effort, gives the person the time to understand what is really going on, without feeling like they are just being told what to do, and without feeling like they are absolutely the worst bad guy out there.

    Sometimes the fair request is not heard or met, in which case again these steps can be repeated, or perhaps more in depth, the feelings can be explained as to the importance of where the request is coming from.

    If the case becomes worse, I would recommend exercising the right as a family (your sister and yourself) to have an intermediate person, I.E. social worker. If the "other half" only becomes worse with this child, and it borderlines very inappropriate parenting and abuse, then do not hesitate to encourage your sister to exercise that right. Perhaps some counselling can be found through that same right.

    Parenting is hard. It can make people lose patience. It can trigger things in people that they otherwise buried. It can test their limits, and push their buttons to the max. It may not be entirely the child that is the issue for this spouse, but many other things. But it would be healthy and useful to encourage this person to address it, or at least consider addressing it.

    I can imagine they too don't want to be that person who yells and screams at a minor. They probably, don't even realize it's as bad as it is yet either; again the way it is presented to them in order for them to see that reality too, can determine whether they continue to deny and avoid, or whether they finally take the time to dig around deeper and see it for what it really is.

    On a final note, it is fair for you to be involved, when you notice that the behaviour of an adult can be damaging to a child. It's a natural instinct to want to do something about it, and it's fair for you to feel that you should considering you are also directly related. In this case, it's not unreasonable to consult with the parents on it, and talk about how it made you feel and what could be better for the child etc... but again, only in a manner that doesn't immediately blame your sisters partner.

    This person will only feel like you are an outsider stepping in, as long as they don't really understand where you are coming from, and don't know why you are trying to "step on their toes" so to speak. Again, that's how you are coming across, and it;s just a natural reaction to become defensive when another family member steps in and tells us we are doing something wrong.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 2, 2012