I simply want to no longer exist.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by namine, Aug 1, 2011.

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  1. namine

    namine Member

    I've wanted to kill myself since 8th grade. I'm becoming a senior in high school. I don't know why I haven't done it yet. It's on and off. Tonight I really want to do it, though. I really want to no longer exist. I don't want to worry about work, school, people, etc. I just want everything gone. I hate myself. I don't know how I could even do it. I guess that's what keeps setting me back. I don't know why exactly I'm writing this. Just a vent, I guess.
  2. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    Hi namine,

    Nice to see you posting around here again. I'm a little wary of writing a post that sounds generic at the moment, so I'll just say that I hope to hear from you again. How are things going with your new BF? I hope the memories of that abusive, super-religious BF aren't plaguing you too much.


    Always happy to listen,

    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 1, 2011
  3. namine

    namine Member

    Hi Alex,

    Thanks for responding. I stumbled upon messages of the religious guy to his "first real girlfriend" on facebook (even though I don't have him friended!) saying sweet things to her. That really pissed me off tonight. My bf is doing well. He's listening to my threatening text messages about suicide and cutting. He's worried, obviously. I'll probably end up just cutting tonight.
  4. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    I see. :hugtackles: I'm worried too and hope you have a SH free day.
  5. Princeofhope

    Princeofhope Well-Known Member

    Gotta live duder, you're young and have college to experience as well. Not even half way to your midlife yet so don't ruin it.
  6. are you able to get hold of any school counsellors who care to talk to you..?You are still young and very young.. Don't let suicide ruin your life.. get help from an adult.. Or call the samaritans at your country/area..
  7. namine

    namine Member

    I've talked to people at school, but I'm not comfortable with it anymore. They have to tell my parents about serious things like that. I makes me uncomfortable with my parents now. I've asked my parents twice to get me help and they said they would, but never did.
  8. HawthornePassage

    HawthornePassage Well-Known Member

    Kind of disorganized, but...

    If you hate yourself, you're not ready to die IMO. You probably already know that this is different than that. I firmly believe that death is something people should be allowed to choose, but that they should only choose after full coldly rational comprehension of it along with careful consideration. This may not be much, but I find that self-hatred is more an issue with misplaced locus of control than something that is objectively true. Of course, this isn't going to change the way you feel...which I don't expect.

    The truth is that society in this stage is quite cruel to those who suffer from problems or are 'unusual'. True, your response to that might sometimes be sub-par (everyone's can be improved), but I think this negative social environment is more the source of peoples pain than them 'screwing up'. In an objective sense, our society is actually extremely toxic to people with issues, sensitive/creative people, etc. I used to hate myself but got out of it the hard way, which was forcing higher confidence and that 'shift of control' by socialization and introspection. It was a total bitch to do that though, and it took a triggering event to piss me off enough to take a second look at things. See, I don't know your situation or anything, but I was definitely there. Zero emotional connections, love interest unreturned, nobody gave a shit, massive depression, etc. I pinned it all on myself because it didn't seem to be happening to everyone else. Everyone else seemed to be happy. But I learned pretty quickly that that 'happiness' is just bullshit ignorance.

    And when that falls, the first response is to blame the self because there is a very strong psychological need to feel that the world is okay...I think its stronger than the need to feel like oneself is okay (because the self can be changed at least in theory, but the world cannot without a critical mass). The world being 'okay' at a minimum provides a subconscious goal to strive for. It's particularly bad in the modern age. In the old days, people knew that being unusual meant being ostracized, that the world was shit minus 'god' or whatever, that the king was an asshole but you didn't say so if you wanted to keep your head, etc. So it sucked, but they at least saw things for what they were and were more able to accept and live with it without confusion. Nowadays, people are brainwashed with patriotic fervor and the idea that we live in such an advanced, civilized, and liberalized society where the sky is the limit, everything is fair, people are accepted, etc. Part of this is the idea that if something bad, since society is great, it must be a problem with the individual!

    Somewhat irrelevant example: Person gets busted for speeding. Speed limit is only 25 on a major road, lets say there's no rational scientific reason it shouldn't be 40 or 45. Person posts complaining about getting a bullshit ticket for 43. What do people do? Say "omg we should change this bullshit law" or "thats so unfair dude, what a bullshit ticket"? NO! The law is by default 'right' in their mind, so they blame the person and then they call the person a bunch of names (or demean them in a more 'mature' manner if this isn't some teenaged forum) and tell them "just follow the law and there won't be problems", "you deserved it", etc. This is done automatically and subconsciously without consideration to the other side of the story. It is an accurate representation of how people consider other people, society and the 'world' in America and the Western countries (but I think its the worst in the US for various reasons). 'Society' and all its institutions and systems are 'right', and the individual is the problem if there is a conflict between the two. And this is also reflected in how they view themselves when bad shit happens or their life sucks.

    Without all this crap, its difficult to find a direction in life since the illusion is gone, leading to existential depression and all kinds of BS....that's where I ended up but I prefer it to being powerless...
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 1, 2011
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