I sound as if i'm not serious

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Tia, Aug 25, 2012.

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  1. Tia

    Tia Well-Known Member

    And you are probably wondering why I am posting here. I admit it, I need hugs, I need help. My dream is for someone to come along, hug me and tell me that everything is going to be ok. My dream is for someone to help me get through this. But i've been dreaming for too long. I am living the reality that is the only way out is suicide. And people say that when you post and join support sites it's because you don't really want to do it. I joined here months ago, because I was feeling suicidal. I did want to do it back then. Ive been suicidal since the age of 14. I have recently been discharged fromm the local psychiatric unit where I spent a whole month.I got help, and that help was going into hospital.. But that couldn't even help me. I have schizoaffective disorder and the hallucinations are getting too much for me. I can't handle seeing any more spirits, I can't handle hearing any more voices. I can't handle being alone in pain, flashbacks, abuse. I feel as if my whole life has been a whole let down, If I were to tell you everything you would probably agree. I wasn't meant to be born in the first place. I was an accident. My parents abused me from the age of 5. my mother was an alcoholic and still is to this day. My father died then the abuse went on and on. I was placed in a childrens home, abandoned. Then my head was so fu***d up that I ended up in a psychiatric unit, aged just 13. From then, I was r**ed, lost my daughter and now I have permanent health issues from a failed suicide attempt. My life is not worth living. I'm so sorry for going into everything personal but I feel I need to share this with you so you understand where I am coming from. So to cut a long boring story short , I have been thinking alot of suicide it's been on my mind constantly for over a month. The voices mention suicide alot and they ar also making me suicidal. I Have attempted suicide in the past week. XXXXXX which needed gluing at the hospital. before you judge me for getting treatment, I called a helpline who called an ambulance. I didn't tell them i'd XXXXXXX, they just found me like that. I trieD XXXXXX which didn't work, I just passed out. Tonight I am planning to XXXXXXX. I have the guts to stab myself but I don't think the area where I would XXXXX, would kill me. I think it would only make me bleed alot. Who knows. Then I think of taking all the pills in the kitchen. That is very tempting. XXXXXXXXXXXThough I don't want to go into coma, I want to end it all for good. I look forward to peace, it was obviously not meant to come to me in this lifetime. I feel ok about suicide. I feel like it was meant to be. I feel relief that I wont have to put up with any more trouble, no more voices, no more anything.. My family know of my history and they know I get suicidal alot they are always at the hospital with me. They are fed up with it, and so am I. of Course they are expecting me to die sooner or later after all my attempts. they have prepared themselves for it. And So have I . I regret that I couldn't find peace on earth, or that I couldn't find happiness. I just wanted to post here really so that other suicidal people would read this and know they are not alone. It's hard, life can be too much for us. I do ask you to get help however, give it a go like I did. At least then you can say you tried. accept help.

    And if that fails, I will see you on the other side.

    Tia
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    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 25, 2012
  2. Heideho

    Heideho New Member

    You brought a serious amount of tears to my eyes... I am so whole heartedly sorry for your pain. I am not here to sell you all sorts of things about 'it getting better" I don't believe that myself so I am not going to sell it you. But just know that I care and you touched my heart and again I am so sorry for your pain, I would come hug you if i could. I do hope you find peace within your soul. Take care
     
  3. Tia

    Tia Well-Known Member

    oh I really did not want to make you cry xx I'm so sorry for that. Be happy for me, i'm going to be reborn into another dimension where I am happy. No more tears for me. hugs to you. thank you for your response and for reaching out.

    X tia
     
  4. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Tia, sounds like you have had lots of hurdles and hoops. Sometimes we have to hit that last stair of despair before we can see that we can climb back up the stairs that lead to hope and better things. Doesn't mean it will be easy or perfect. Life seldom is completely easy or perfect. But making a better life one step at a time is doable. I hope that you don't try any of your ideas to harm yourself. I hope that you find yourself so tired tonight that you just sleep and when you wake up, you have more energy and a clearer mind.

    Decisions we make when we are highly emotional are usually decisions that we haven't thought through because we were too emotional to see all the sides and ramifications. At the very least, give yourself a day or two to settle from the highly emotional state and rethink your options. Bounce ideas off people here. PM me if you want to. I'm a good listener. I hope you stay safe, sweetie! :hug:
     
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