I stared at my pistol today, could've been 30 sec. Could've been an hour, not sure...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Soldier83, Apr 14, 2012.

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  1. Soldier83

    Soldier83 Well-Known Member

    While I stared at it I thought about everything we've done. Where we've been, and the things we did while we were there. Its funny to think of just how much damage such a small hunk of metal can do. I thought about the first time I tried to do it. 10 is to young for anyone to want to die. I can still feel the burn of the rope. The way everything started to go fuzzy. The feeling of rest as I stopped fighting it. Somehow its almost comforting. Its like the rope was my only friend, and he is still beckoning me to come and play. I'm alone now. No friends. Nothing but the dull hue of a computer screen, and the phantoms on the other end that I'll never meet.
     
  2. TrulyBlue

    TrulyBlue Member

    Re: I stared at my pistol today, could've been 30 sec. Could've been an hour, not sur

    Hi Soldier,

    It is very hard when you feel like this and the loneliness gets too much.
    I'm tired of all the rejection too(I feel like that in real life) but here I hope that here I've found some friends and at the very least I know from chatting with people here that they are all so lovely and welcoming, even though I will probably never meet anyone from here.
    I hope that you can reach out to us for a chat or shoulder to lean on and remember even though you can't see anyone, you know it's a real person sitting behind every computer screen. You are not truly alone, ok? :)
     
  3. spidy

    spidy Well-Known Member

    Re: I stared at my pistol today, could've been 30 sec. Could've been an hour, not sur

    Yes understand when computor is your only friend as its my only friend at the moment yet us phantoms here do give a shit and we understand what you are going through.If you are feeling really low and your by yourself i suggest you get rid of anything you can hurt yourself with.When we are at our lowest we dont think in rational ways and im not just pissing in ya pocket here as i was close to it last week myself.Just try to stay strong and let your problems sort themselves out does take time and alot of fighting.We only have one chance at life and to end it is just a waste.Think of ya problems as a learning curve and how much stronger you will become as you beat each one.Find a good counciller and get things of your chest does help.
     
  4. Soldier83

    Soldier83 Well-Known Member

    Re: I stared at my pistol today, could've been 30 sec. Could've been an hour, not sur

    I just dont know anymore. I've had this weapon for so long I can't just get rid of it, but I know its not safe for me to have it around. The soldier's creed says "I will always place the mission first, I will never accept defeat, I will never quit, and I will never leave a fallen comrade". I just feel worthless. I have no mission anymore, I'm really trying not to accept defeat, every time I look at my 1911 I get the itch to truly quit, and I feel that all my comrades have left me in the dust.
     
  5. spidy

    spidy Well-Known Member

    Re: I stared at my pistol today, could've been 30 sec. Could've been an hour, not sur

    My depression and suicidle tendancies scared all my friends off and felt very alone but i use this now to my advantage as i dont get the stupid get over it advice.A soldier will always fight on to and will always fight to survive and this is what you need to do.People come and go remember that too and those that go arnt real friends.You do have a mission left and that is the fight you got on now to beat your negative thoughts and will be one of the toughest but doable
     
  6. TrulyBlue

    TrulyBlue Member

    Re: I stared at my pistol today, could've been 30 sec. Could've been an hour, not sur

    Well it's good that you're talking and you haven't just gone away to do something terrible.

    Life can be a real B at times. Everyone seems to have deserted you in your time of need, but doesn't that make you mad? If people desert you, it's a reflection on them, not on you and the strongest soldier(and you are strong for reaching out to us and not giving up) will find that littlest spark deep inside and hang onto it and keep fighting.
    If I seem to be speaking crap, I apologise, am just going on personal experience.
     
  7. Soldier83

    Soldier83 Well-Known Member

    Re: I stared at my pistol today, could've been 30 sec. Could've been an hour, not sur

    Eight years man. For eight years I've been convincing people not to do themselves. Between 2005 and 2011 975 service men and women killed themselves. Fn asshole generals think its to due with PTSD. I think it was like 60% of them had never deployed. No the reason soldiers kill themselves is because they have no other option.
     
  8. TrulyBlue

    TrulyBlue Member

    Re: I stared at my pistol today, could've been 30 sec. Could've been an hour, not sur

    I'm really so sorry to hear that, Soldier.
    You've helped out so many people, have reached out on a limb selflessly and I think that's really to be commended as it's not something that's easy to do-to reach out and help when you're suffering yourself.
    If you don't mind me asking- are you getting any professional help at all?
     
  9. spidy

    spidy Well-Known Member

    Re: I stared at my pistol today, could've been 30 sec. Could've been an hour, not sur

    Pressures is why this happens.The world is evolving to fast and there is more stress put upon us.Most countries now are beginning to take mental illness seriously and there is alot of help now.What im trying to say is dont become one of those satistics you do have alot of options use your own experiences to help others death is final no second chance and as Trulyblue said your still so you are a fighter and keep posting hope its helping.And hope im making some sense as not good at giving advice.All in all hang on and your doing well by talking here
     
  10. Soldier83

    Soldier83 Well-Known Member

    Re: I stared at my pistol today, could've been 30 sec. Could've been an hour, not sur

    Are you considered a professional? Dont worry I'm just kidding. No The only person I tried to talk about this stuff to was my grandfather. In hindsight not the best option. All that man did was back slap me so hard it fractured my eye socket, since then I've had a thing about talking to anyone. Its not healthy, I know. The biggest problem is now whenever someone tries to talk about anything like feelings. All I can do is not say anything. Now I'm really trying to get over these things but all they are causing is anxiety attacks.
     
  11. TrulyBlue

    TrulyBlue Member

    Re: I stared at my pistol today, could've been 30 sec. Could've been an hour, not sur

    Lol! No way. I just work in retail until I lost my job yesterday :p

    Maybe it's a good thing in a way that the internet is fairly anonymous, that way you can speak a bit more freely? Hang in there Soldier, if you can joke around despite your pain, I feel confident that this crisis will pass.
    You have to remember though what you've achieved and what a good person you are and hang onto that. The world is always better with people such as yourself.
     
  12. Soldier83

    Soldier83 Well-Known Member

    Re: I stared at my pistol today, could've been 30 sec. Could've been an hour, not sur

    I'm really not that bad I guess. I just want someone other than a 5 year old to talk to. Maybe I'm just lonely. That's probably my problem. I'm just screaming for attention that my wife cant give me because she's always working. I love her with everything that I am, I would kill for her. But I only get to spend about an hour with her a day.
     
  13. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Re: I stared at my pistol today, could've been 30 sec. Could've been an hour, not sur

    Here if you feel like talking. :hug:
     
  14. Soldier83

    Soldier83 Well-Known Member

    Re: I stared at my pistol today, could've been 30 sec. Could've been an hour, not sur

    So my mom is in the hospital now. I went down there for a week, and that really convinced me. Its time to be done, my family doesn't need me around. I was a mistake, I'm just a waste of time. Time to be done. Thanks for your support everyone. Bye
     
  15. jimk

    jimk Staff Alumni

    Re: I stared at my pistol today, could've been 30 sec. Could've been an hour, not sur

    Soldier, you have taken care of other people in a bad place.. now is time for you to reach out and get some professional help for you.. hopefully someone good who will listen and try carefully to help you nbow.. in the state you are in ahvihng a loaded firearm near is way too dangerous..please take care and get some real help for you.. Jim
     
  16. Soldier83

    Soldier83 Well-Known Member

    Re: I stared at my pistol today, could've been 30 sec. Could've been an hour, not sur

    I'm just so tired of getting screwed over by every singe place I go to to get my life back on track. My car, my house, my doctor even. (mod edit:talking about killing people). Which I know sounds bad, but what else can I do? Lawyers say that I have no case, the Better Business Bureau cant do anything. There needs to be an example of what happens to you when you steal from a family.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 24, 2012
  17. Tea_at_Four

    Tea_at_Four Staff Alumni

    Re: I stared at my pistol today, could've been 30 sec. Could've been an hour, not sur

    Hello, Soldier83. I'm glad you are talking about things here on SF. Here's another place you can hopefully get some support: http://www.thesoldiersproject.org/ toll free: (877)576-5343

    The Soldiers Project is a group of licensed mental health professionals who offer free psychological treatment to military service members (active duty, National Guard, Reserves and veterans) who have served or who expect to serve in the conflicts in Iraq or Afghanistan.

    This organization is not connected with the military, they are confidential, and they do not report to any government agency. They can refer you to a local mental health professional who will help you get your life back on track, and 'gets' the military culture.

    Take care of yourself.
     
  18. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Re: I stared at my pistol today, could've been 30 sec. Could've been an hour, not sur

    Hi Soldier. Maybe it would be good if you unloaded and put away your guns in a safe place. In your state of mind, it isn't a good idea having loaded guns handy. It sounds like you have some PTSD that you're dealing with, which is common for soldiers coming back from battle. Get help before it's too late. Please don't go on a shooting rampage and please don't harm yourself. :hug:
     
  19. Soldier83

    Soldier83 Well-Known Member

    Re: I stared at my pistol today, could've been 30 sec. Could've been an hour, not sur

    That's just it, I've never been deployed I've never been in combat. All I was wanting to do was get my life back in order, But all I can do is mess it up more.
     
  20. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Re: I stared at my pistol today, could've been 30 sec. Could've been an hour, not sur

    Don't give up Soldier. :hug:
     
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