I still blame myself.

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by jordan., Apr 25, 2011.

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  1. jordan.

    jordan. Member

    Just warning you, this probably has triggers in it, and some might end up getting moderated. It's okay, I just have to let some of this out.

    This last September, on a monday, right after school, I went with my friend Jacob to the library. We had quite a past, and I shouldn't have wanted to be anywhere near him. Still, he had helped me through a lot, so a trip to the library wasn't gonna have any negative affects... right?

    After we got there, with two of our other friends, I went in the back to look for a book. Really just browsing.

    Jacob followed me back there, and he started kissing me. I thought it was kinda weird, considering that we had dated before and he cheated on me, but I wasn't really mad that he wanted me back. I knew he was leaving at the end of the month, so I figured, why not?

    Soon, he asked me if I wanted to "do it". I was kind of worried, since, you know, we were in a library. Also, for some reason, I wanted my first time to be with him. Not necessarily now, though... He pointed to the girls' bathroom and asked again.

    I said yes.

    Before, when we were dating, he always asked me if I was ready. I always said no, and he was fine with that. Even the one time that I said yes, he said no, I wasn't ready.

    This time, he followed me into the bathroom. I heard him lock the door, and right at that moment, alarms flashed in my head.

    He held my hands, looked into my eyes, and asked if I really wanted to.

    I said no.

    He kissed me a lot, even did some "convincing" south of the border. He asked me again, "Now do you want to?"

    I said no, and I started for the door.

    He grabbed my arm, just hard enough to keep me from moving.

    "But I want to."

    I shut down. I couldn't move. I just looked at him, mouth open, while he smiled at me, still holding my arm. He told me to lie down, with more force in his voice than he'd ever had, ever, when speaking to me. I did. He told me to take off my jeans, just one leg. I guess he was in a hurry.

    Anyway.

    I couldn't move. Couldn't talk. Couldn't even open my eyes.

    When he was done, he asked me how my first time was. I tried to smile, but all I could do was nod.

    He left the bathroom. No "I love you", no "I'll see you outside." He just left.

    I felt so used. But I couldn't cry. I was bleeding, I knew. I cleaned myself up and walked outside, back to where our friends were sitting.

    Jacob was laughing at some video on his computer. Didn't even look up when I came back. Like nothing had even happened.

    One of my friends, a girl that didn't really talk much, kinda gave me this look. Almost like she knew something had happened. I said nothing.

    When we left, I got in my friend's car, and Jacob got in the back seat. When we were still the only ones in the car, he said, "Don't tell anyone."

    The others got in the car, too, and I asked him to repeat himself.

    Jacob said "Put your seat belt on."

    We got back to the school, where my car was still parked. I got into my car, and watched them pull away in the truck. As soon as they turned the corner, as soon as they were out of my line of vision, I started crying. I screamed and punched the steering wheel, ground a line into my leg with a pen, and cried, from 4:30 to 8:00, when I went home.

    That first "yes," I knew, was the reason I was in this mess. If I wouldn't have said "yes," nothing would have happened. I never thought he would have done that.

    A few weeks later, after I told my best friend what had happened, the police found out, Jacob was arrested, and his brother started accusing me.

    "It wasn't rape," he told me. "You didn't kick or scream. So it wasn't rape."

    But I couldn't even open my eyes, let alone scream...
     
  2. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    this is awful, I'm sorry that this happened.

    this is not your fault

    I think that a lot of people look back and think that they should have done something differently, but jacob knew that you said no

    fundamentally, it is jacob who is responsible for what he did

    I hope that you can get some support that can help you get through this
     
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    damm he took full advantage of you he heard NO he heard it I would bring him up on charges there does not need to be yelling or screaming you said NO and he heard it charge him see who will be scream ing then dam him
     
  4. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Jordan -

    you are in NO WAY at fault or responsible.

    You were there, you know what really happened, don't let other people's words mess with you.

    Can you talk with someone about this, perhaps a therapist or similar?

    Take care (((hugs))))
     
  5. Julia-C

    Julia-C Well-Known Member

    Jordan, I am so sorry this happened to you. Nothing about this was your fault. You are entitled to change your mind at any point, and for any reason, and as many times as you choose.

    You said "yes" once, but you said "no" three times.

    This didn't happen because you said "yes", it happened because when you said "no" repeatedly, he chose not to listen.

    Please don't blame yourself, place blame where the blame should be placed. He is to blame.

    If you ever need anyone to talk to, feel free to PM me.
    :hug:
     
  6. TBear

    TBear Antiquities Friend

    You have a right to say NO even after saying yes once - he has to stop or it is rape! He heard you say no and used fear, and forceful actions to control the situation..... Not your fault.

    Get yourself some help and support - take care of you :hug:
     
  7. jsfarri

    jsfarri Member

    This is absolutely horrible. Something is wrong with this person. Unfortunately, our confirmation bias based on what we already believe about ourselves is a very strong tool. I've been in a similar situation in which an older "friend" of mine forced me into performing sexual acts on him, but that doesn't leave the blame on me.
    Many people who are raped somehow think that it's their fault for letting things happen. However, the exact opposite is true. No means no. End of story. There isn't any emotion to be evaluated. There is no need for gestures. There is no need for clarification. No means no. Bottom line.
    It's horrible that people like that are out there, but all you can control is yourself. Granted, this story is terrifying, and you probably have a lot of healing to do, but don't ever lose sight of life. Death isn't freedom from pain, it's nothing. I've suffered through some tough shit, but the good news is that if you keep pushing and find DECENT people, you really can change your world.
    Feel free to contact me, in all seriousness. We all need someone to talk to, and sometimes a stranger is just the person you can vent every last thing to without fear of being judged (or that judgment meriting anything).
    Be well.
     
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