I still don't know.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by unnamedfeeling, Apr 16, 2016.

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  1. unnamedfeeling

    unnamedfeeling Active Member

    So here I am again... a year and a half later and I'm still struggling with this shit. I escaped my abusive parents, found a good job, and am on yet another boyfriend. This one's legit, I swear! (I'm only saying that because he's reading over my shoulder). So yeah, I wrote a suicide note last night. I was ready to walk out the door, install myself <edit - methods>. Then I shredded the note and climbed into bed with my man, told him what was happening and we cried for a few hours before falling asleep, exhausted. I apologized profusely this morning but this afternoon I locked myself in a room and started <edit - methods>. Noisily. For attention? Maybe. It really just felt good to know I was damaging myself though. More hysteric crying, more feeling empty, more deep, dark, all-consuming despair. I'm just sick of this. Sick of it all. I refuse to go on meds. I refuse to see a professional. I don't want to get better, and so it's no use trying. Everyone seems to want something from me in the chaos following my divorcing my parents, and I can't handle it. It really is an excess of stress that triggers these feelings; I know it is. And I can handle a lot of stress. Life has been so crazy recently...

    I really feel that it's time for me to actually do it, but I know it's a shitty idea. As long as I'm alive at least I have a choice. Maybe I'll just run away to Italy... anyways
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 16, 2016
  2. Rockclimbinggirl

    Rockclimbinggirl SF climber Staff Member Safety & Support

    @unnamedfeeling I'm glad to hear you escaped your parents. But why won't you reach out for help. Doctors and therapists want to help you. Why don't you want to get better, you've already taken some steps so why not continue.
  3. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Hello unamedfeeling, welcome to the forum. Is there a reason you don't want to get better? It sounds like you have a boyfriend that cares about you, that seems like someone to live for. As for medication, I don't think too many people want to be on it either, but sometimes it does help us get over the bad periods. I had to go on it myself, it was the only way I could continue to function at work or anyplace else for that matter. I'm glad you didn't succeed in your plan last night, there has to be another way to deal with this. You'll find a lot of good and caring people on this site and I'm glad you decided to come here. If you need to talk you can message me.
  4. lifetalkz

    lifetalkz Well-Known Member

    I don't know why-but when I read your entry a phrase came to mind that my grandmother always told me. LIFE ISN'T FAIR AND NOBODY IS PERFECT. I hated that phrase for a multitude of reasons. I didn't want to accept it as true but I knew that it had to be. My grandmother and I were very close-she would never have told me something that wasn't true.

    People will disappoint you and let you down, she said-you'll work hard sometimes and not get treated fairly in the end. It's a hard thing to accept-but when you do you will become wise beyond your years. The truth is that I couldn't stand the thought of living in the world she described. What is the point of going through so much hell for a tiny sliver of happiness? But I can say now-20 years later, that she was right.

    The greatest gift that I ever gave to anyone was a gift that I gave to myself. I allowed myself the privilege of never being perfect. I stopped trying to impress people so that everyone would approve of me-I stopped trying to please the boyfriends so that they would love me and never leave. I let my whole life go to pot-a big steaming pile of imperfection. The relief of letting go of any effort to try to be who everyone wanted me to be was the most gratifying experience. I recommend it highly.

    You don't know me-but I feel like I know you, because I've been you in another lifetime, many years ago. All I can say is this. You are the most important person you know. You have all of the answers you seek-no one else. Stop fighting the process and move into it-there is some deep part of you that wants to live. Trust it-believe in your heart that only you know what is best for you because it's true. There is no one who can save you but you-but you are more than enough. If you're going to fight for anyone-let it be you. You worth it.
    Brian777 likes this.
  5. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    *hugs* You are for sure going through a lot right now. I hope things improve. Keep talking to your boyfriend, he obviously wants to help you and for you to get out of this rut. Getting professional help might help you more than you may think, why not rech out to a doctor, therapist or psychiatrist. Keep hope alive :)
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