I Still Want To Die

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by fromthatshow, Mar 20, 2009.

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  1. fromthatshow

    fromthatshow Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Just back from the hospital. Nearly a month's stay there. Wasn't ready to leave. I fabricated a little bit because I hated it there. By the end I was telling them I wasn't thinking of suicide as much, when it's all I'm thinking of.

    Now they have me on SEVEN different medications. Vistaril, Remeron, Lamictal, Neurontin, Klonopin, Seroquel, and Trazodone.
    I actually heard one of the nurses giving me my meds say, "The works." My goodness.
    I also tried ECT while I was there. I did three sessions and then said fuck it. It is an intense procedure, and I didn't think it was going to work, nor do I have much belief in these medications but to numb me out for a bit.

    The first thing I did when I came home from the hospital was wash down some extra pills with some smirnoff. I suppose I don't really care whether I live or die. All I want to do is get some nitrous and get high all day. Smoke pot, drink (only with my meds), get some pain killers. I just want to get high all day and use more and more until I die.

    My parents don't know what to do with me. I tell them I don't want to be alive, and they don't know what to do. They're lost and so am I. I feel like they're sick of me :cry:. They think I need to change my way of thinking. Well obviously but I don't know how. And all the therapy and hospital trips haven't done shit. In fact, the hospital was a very depressing place to be... and all the help we really got there were a couple groups we did throughout the day that were like arts & crafts. How the fuck is that supposed to help me? This was the worst hospital I've ever been to, and I'm never going back. I'll be dead before I am back there.

    One night I just might take to many.
    Nobody understands. People say they do. But I haven't spoken to anyone who gets it yet.

    Sorry for the long post. That's what's been happening for me. I am still alive, hopefully not for long, but I'm too scared anyway. Too scared to live, too scared to die. Dying on accident or by drinking too much with my pills would be preferable.

    At least I can talk to you guys. Love you all :grouphug:
  2. jane doe

    jane doe Well-Known Member

    gotta go to sleep now but i thought u needed these :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:
  3. walkin

    walkin Active Member

    I told my counseller just recently that i was getting better and all i could think of was killing myself - so i relate to your experience on that level and the meds too- I hate them they make new addictions and more pain and compilcations for me- so I understand a little - and i hope some how things can turn around for you.
  4. Atheist Demon

    Atheist Demon Account Closed

    Sorry to hear you still feel that way, but it will get better, you just got to hang on. I was once at a point that I wanted it all to end, (including my life) but my mom said please hang in her. And I didn't kill myself, but it wasn't me, it was my mom who said that she will feel a very dark pain if I died. So I am living for her. Your parents really love you and they want the best for you. Please hang in there for them. It will be very painful for them to lose their child. And I would recommend not taking meds with alcohol. But I hope you the best and remember, if you are at rock bottom, the only direction to go is up.

    Hang in there
  5. fromthatshow

    fromthatshow Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Thank you guys. I really wish I could feel that my parents loved me. But I don't. I would imagine most parents after their child got out of the hospital pay extra attention because well... I need it! I've been needing it all growing up! But no... I tell her I still feel like I want to die... and she just gets frustrated. She's fucking frustrated with me! Not sympathetic, not comforting, not motherly at all! :cry2:
    That's what I always had in a girlfriend. A better mother than my real mom, if that makes any sense. Someone to take care of me. And I don't have that right now either.
    No love!

    I wish it weren't so easy for me to commit too.
  6. aki

    aki Well-Known Member

    Maybe you could focus on your religious, spiritual side, which I think is very important to you? That can help a lot of people to get through bad times and give meaning to life.
  7. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    How do you feel being on all that medication? Do you feel a change from before you went on them (in any way whatsoever)?
    I'm curious.

    Yeah hospital, in the UK is a lot like what you describe. Doesn't do anything but keep you 'safe' and medicate you.
  8. nagisa

    nagisa Staff Alumni

    God, Spencer... we are so much alike. I could have written all of that. I understand. I really do. I felt the same way coming out of hospital. And my mom is the same way. In fact I just had a fight with my mom because I said I want to die. And she got angry with me. She's a very unsafe person for me. But she thinks I'm just playing games. I swear... If she really knew what it's like to live one day in my head, she WOULD kill herself. I'm still on the verge of a total break down. I'm falling apart. But Spencer, I just wanted to let you know that someone does understand. And you can PM me anytime. I'd love to talk with you more about all this. You're a good person with a good heart. And I lovers you. Please be safe and be good to yourself.
  9. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    I'm sorry the hospital didn't help at all spencer :hug:

    I'm always here if you need someone to talk to xx
  10. jane doe

    jane doe Well-Known Member

    i dont think she feels frustrated for you. i think she feels frustrated because she couldnt help you as you need it yet.
    i hope u are doing better today hun :hug:
  11. fromthatshow

    fromthatshow Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    What's the longest anyone has ever felt suicidal? I bet that's been asked before, but it's been a year for me and there is no hope in the future. I've felt no hope for a year. Is it possible to keep on living feeling hopeless?
    I mean, what can I really do in this world if I don't want to be in it? How much can I complain to my parents and my doctors that I want to die. I think they're just giving up because there's been no change. I'm scared, I've been scared. I don't know what to do, and I never have. I never will. I guess that's that? :(
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