I still want to do it!

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Briezy, Oct 5, 2016.

  1. Briezy

    Briezy Well-Known Member

    It doesn't matter how many people tell me they would miss me or how many people guilt me into staying. It doesn't matter how many times I think this will pass too. It doesn't matter what everyone says. I still want to end it. It doesn't seem worth it. It doesn't seem like I can handle it. I know that people will hurt and be in pain with my absence but it doesn't matter. I can hope that eventually their pain will lessen and become bearable but my pain is permanent. I cannot escape from this cruel reality. What does it take for me to just throw in the towel? Will I ever have the strength?
  2. lillium

    lillium Active Member

    You have to find a reason to live for yourself- not other people. if you aren't living for yourself- you will not thrive. I've been feeling bad the past few days, I know it's going to get worse. one thing I started thinking about that went beyond anything was the sheer absurdity of suicide in light of how extremely rare and fragile and tiny every living thing really is. The permanence of that decision to kill yourself, the gravity of it in light of how miraculous a single life is in the grand scheme of things. This is it, my only chance to exist here. A natural human lifespan is about 80 years on average, earth has been here 4.5 billion years. I'm a tiny little speck, a piece of the universe that by freak chance(or whatever you believe) is able to look around and comprehend, to experience, both bad and good. lots and lots of bad that is completely absurd, when looked at rationally. Most of the time we are in automatic animal-human mode, fraught with emotions and wants and just...little animal survival drama bullshit getting in the way, clouding our judgement and narrowing our perspective. Imagine if we were able to be always conscious of how incredible and rare it is to be able to EXPERIENCE ANYTHING AT ALL- the vast majority of stuff in the universe experiences nothing.

    maybe try making a list of the reasons why you want to die. make a list and think of the core reasons BEHIND those reasons. fear? guilt? loneliness? physical pain? you feel worthless without X's validation? It's just too difficult? recognize the weight of the emotions, how they come from your animal brain. How tightly you're holding onto them as unfixables, insurmountable obstacles.

    now compare those reasons to this: You are a piece of the universe that is so complex as to be self aware, experiencing. You are so small that you aren't able to even truly envision just how small you are. Your time here is horribly, horribly short, and you are a very rare and special thing, just by virtue of being conscious. Like objectively, it's impressive.

    I'm probably sounding pretentious or melodramatic or whatever but it's all true. Going beyond human emotional bullshit, trying to see objective, amazing, absurd reality of our situation- it can put a lot of things into perspective.
    Briezy, Brian777 and Frances M like this.
  3. Gato

    Gato Member

    Those are deep thoughts lillium! I specially like the idea of digging into the "reasons behind the reasons". Interesting journey.

    Briezy, in my view, it is not a matter of strength, but a matter of being ready. The way I see it is that as long as we do not take action, something is holding us back. Some people around you have tried to hold you back, but their arguments just don't do it for you. I totally get that. But there must be something holding you back. Have you ever meditated on that and tried to find what it could be?
  4. Briezy

    Briezy Well-Known Member

    No not really Gato. I worry that if I know I will change it and thus have nothing holding me back.
  5. Gato

    Gato Member

    Briezy, your original question was "Will I ever have the strength?" Then again, not having anything holding you back frightens you, right? So it sounds to me like you know you do have the strength to "throw in the towel". Do you agree? Say, did you ever post about yourself in the "My Story" forum? If so, can you point me to that post? I tried doing a search for it, but I can't find anything. Let me know!
  6. Briezy

    Briezy Well-Known Member

    Gato I have not posted in my story. There is so much that I have never taken the time to do it.