Hi. I've never posted anything on here and I don't know how to start this.. so I suppose I'll jump right into it.
When I was 11 or 12, I often talked about suicide casually to an ex best-friend.. we'll call him X. X and I were very close. Eventually, for some odd reason I felt suicidal. Whether it be I was afraid to lose X and wanted him to care, or I just wanted his attention.. I don't know. But this is were the cycle started.
(Obviously X ended the friendship because I'm a toxic person.)
When I was 13, I had my first boyfriend. I remember after a while I would have panic attacks and text him throughout the entire thing, explaining my thought process. I would send actual pictures of me self harming, blood everywhere. Every time he tried to leave I would threaten to kill myself.
When I was 14, I got a girlfriend. (I'm bisexual.) The same thing happened with my first boyfriend minus the self harm. I was (am) threatening and manipulative.
That same year I had a best friend, let's call her Shy. So Shy and I were incredibly close, and she has a twin brother. Her twin and I began to really like each other, and he asked me out. We dated for a short while, but Shy found out of course. While texting her and her brother about the situation, me and Shy's brother decided to break up. When Shy said she wouldn't be my friend anymore, I again threatened suicide. I truly did want to die.
Throughout these catastrophic situations two people have always been by my side; F and A. (They're twins too.) I don't want to go on about it because this is already long enough, but to sum up— I did what I always do. I got to anxious as soon as I began to get closer to them. I threatened and manipulated.. not in the same ways of course. But I was awful to them. This happened very recently, I'm 15 now.
An old friend of mine claimed I did all of this for attention. I can't get people to love me, so I force them to imagine what life would be like without them. Ever since then I've been rethinking everything. I have SO many excuses— my dad divorced my mom when I was little and I always felt like their separation was my fault. I've had anxiety and panic attacks since I could remember. I've suffered from self esteem issues for a while too. BUT IT DOESN'T MATTER. I HURT THESE PEOPLE FOR NO REASON OTHER THAN I WAS HURTING. THERE ARE SO MANY OTHER WAYS TO BE IN PAIN AND NOT INVOLVE OTHER PEOPLE.
I believe I should end this all. I am not worthy of experiencing life and all it has to offer. I don't deserve to breathe.
What do I do? I've gone to therapy and she helped me realize I never intended to do anything sinister which helped for a while. But I don't even know anymore. Clearly I did it all for attention. Why should someone like that live?
When I was 11 or 12, I often talked about suicide casually to an ex best-friend.. we'll call him X. X and I were very close. Eventually, for some odd reason I felt suicidal. Whether it be I was afraid to lose X and wanted him to care, or I just wanted his attention.. I don't know. But this is were the cycle started.
(Obviously X ended the friendship because I'm a toxic person.)
When I was 13, I had my first boyfriend. I remember after a while I would have panic attacks and text him throughout the entire thing, explaining my thought process. I would send actual pictures of me self harming, blood everywhere. Every time he tried to leave I would threaten to kill myself.
When I was 14, I got a girlfriend. (I'm bisexual.) The same thing happened with my first boyfriend minus the self harm. I was (am) threatening and manipulative.
That same year I had a best friend, let's call her Shy. So Shy and I were incredibly close, and she has a twin brother. Her twin and I began to really like each other, and he asked me out. We dated for a short while, but Shy found out of course. While texting her and her brother about the situation, me and Shy's brother decided to break up. When Shy said she wouldn't be my friend anymore, I again threatened suicide. I truly did want to die.
Throughout these catastrophic situations two people have always been by my side; F and A. (They're twins too.) I don't want to go on about it because this is already long enough, but to sum up— I did what I always do. I got to anxious as soon as I began to get closer to them. I threatened and manipulated.. not in the same ways of course. But I was awful to them. This happened very recently, I'm 15 now.
An old friend of mine claimed I did all of this for attention. I can't get people to love me, so I force them to imagine what life would be like without them. Ever since then I've been rethinking everything. I have SO many excuses— my dad divorced my mom when I was little and I always felt like their separation was my fault. I've had anxiety and panic attacks since I could remember. I've suffered from self esteem issues for a while too. BUT IT DOESN'T MATTER. I HURT THESE PEOPLE FOR NO REASON OTHER THAN I WAS HURTING. THERE ARE SO MANY OTHER WAYS TO BE IN PAIN AND NOT INVOLVE OTHER PEOPLE.
I believe I should end this all. I am not worthy of experiencing life and all it has to offer. I don't deserve to breathe.
What do I do? I've gone to therapy and she helped me realize I never intended to do anything sinister which helped for a while. But I don't even know anymore. Clearly I did it all for attention. Why should someone like that live?