I strongly believe I deserve to die.

Status
Not open for further replies.

ary

Public Access
#1
Hi. I've never posted anything on here and I don't know how to start this.. so I suppose I'll jump right into it.

When I was 11 or 12, I often talked about suicide casually to an ex best-friend.. we'll call him X. X and I were very close. Eventually, for some odd reason I felt suicidal. Whether it be I was afraid to lose X and wanted him to care, or I just wanted his attention.. I don't know. But this is were the cycle started.
(Obviously X ended the friendship because I'm a toxic person.)

When I was 13, I had my first boyfriend. I remember after a while I would have panic attacks and text him throughout the entire thing, explaining my thought process. I would send actual pictures of me self harming, blood everywhere. Every time he tried to leave I would threaten to kill myself.

When I was 14, I got a girlfriend. (I'm bisexual.) The same thing happened with my first boyfriend minus the self harm. I was (am) threatening and manipulative.

That same year I had a best friend, let's call her Shy. So Shy and I were incredibly close, and she has a twin brother. Her twin and I began to really like each other, and he asked me out. We dated for a short while, but Shy found out of course. While texting her and her brother about the situation, me and Shy's brother decided to break up. When Shy said she wouldn't be my friend anymore, I again threatened suicide. I truly did want to die.

Throughout these catastrophic situations two people have always been by my side; F and A. (They're twins too.) I don't want to go on about it because this is already long enough, but to sum up— I did what I always do. I got to anxious as soon as I began to get closer to them. I threatened and manipulated.. not in the same ways of course. But I was awful to them. This happened very recently, I'm 15 now.

An old friend of mine claimed I did all of this for attention. I can't get people to love me, so I force them to imagine what life would be like without them. Ever since then I've been rethinking everything. I have SO many excuses— my dad divorced my mom when I was little and I always felt like their separation was my fault. I've had anxiety and panic attacks since I could remember. I've suffered from self esteem issues for a while too. BUT IT DOESN'T MATTER. I HURT THESE PEOPLE FOR NO REASON OTHER THAN I WAS HURTING. THERE ARE SO MANY OTHER WAYS TO BE IN PAIN AND NOT INVOLVE OTHER PEOPLE.

I believe I should end this all. I am not worthy of experiencing life and all it has to offer. I don't deserve to breathe.

What do I do? I've gone to therapy and she helped me realize I never intended to do anything sinister which helped for a while. But I don't even know anymore. Clearly I did it all for attention. Why should someone like that live?
 

JmpMster

Owner Emeritus
#2
Nobody "deserves to die" - you have done the same things and made the same mistakes many others have- particularly many other young people where acts of attention seeking are needed to be noticed.

You know what you have done, know right from wrong, and can willingly choose to make better choices in the future. You deserve the chance to make better choices in the future and to be forgiven for errors in the past- the same as all of us.
 
#4
Hi Ary, welcome to SF!

Clearly I did it all for attention. Why should someone like that live?
Firstly, because being in pain and not knowing how to deal with it in a positive way should not be a crime punishable by death. Anybody else who was in the same shoes you were in would probably do the exact same things, maybe even worse things. So to say that you deserve to die for that would mean that all of humanity would deserve to die.

Secondly, you may be able to learn how to change the ways that you relate to people.

Having the desire to change, recognizing that there are behaviors that are negative, and being able to talk about your problems and reach out for help...that's huge. All of those things bode extremely well for the hope that you will be able to change some day.

It will take time to work on that, but you're young, and there is time to work on that.

Do you have a formal diagnosis? I'm wondering if it's possible that you have BPD. In any case, getting a diagnosis is important because it determines what the best course of treatment is.

DBT is supposed to be the best therapy for BPD. It might also be good for you regardless of whether you have BPD or not.
 

MarvelFan

Vanity of Vanities
#5
You deserve life. You dont deserve to die and I add more to that, that not only do you deserve to live but I hope you find a light inside of you that you might not think is there but it is and you try to do your best to help others why getting help yourself and that light will shine, many will see that light inside of you here because I see it here past all the darkness, love you much :)
 

Bloop

River Lea by Adele
Staff Alumni
SF Supporter
#7
Hey and welcome to SF. I hope you will keep posting here for support. I just wanted to say that although you did these things in your past it doesn't have to define who you are and while you will probably find it hard to ignore these memories when they pop up, it doesn't mean you should feel bad about it for the rest of your life.

When I first signed up to this site I was quite young and made posts threatening suicide. I was scared and afraid and I felt that no one cared about what I was going through at school or home so I came here and started saying I would do bad things so that I can get support. I'm sure that we are not the only persons who have resorted to this when the world feels like it is becoming too much and there is little help on offer.

I would say that if you feel comfortable with the idea, seek support for your health from school and doctors. There is a lot of support on offer for people at your age as awareness continues to increase and adjustments can be made to benefit you. Do not worry about the things in your past, I do not look at your story and think you are a bad person. Learn from your past but try not to let it get down. We all make mistakes, especially when we are young and that's part of our learning experience as we grow up. I hope to see you around the forum, all the best.
 
Last edited:

ary

Public Access
#8
Thank you so much for saying this.. it’s comforting to know I’m not the only one who’s made these mistakes. You’re a kind, warm hearted person and I can’t even begin to explain how reliving this comment is. Thank you again!
 

Bloop

River Lea by Adele
Staff Alumni
SF Supporter
#9
Thank you so much for saying this.. it’s comforting to know I’m not the only one who’s made these mistakes. You’re a kind, warm hearted person and I can’t even begin to explain how reliving this comment is. Thank you again!
You are most welcome! I'm glad that my comment was helpful to you and I just wanted to say thank you for the kind words you said to me. See you around :)
 

Lara_C

Staff Alumni
SF Supporter
#10
Thank you so much for taking the time to read and respond. This made me tear up. It's comforting to know I have full power over any future actions I chose to take. All I can do from here is learn and grow!
Sounds like you have learned a lot from your previous experience ary and I wish you all the best in future. It's a great thing to realize at such a young age that your fate is in your own hands and I think you will choose wisely. Believe in yourself and in your power to overcome the past to become all that you can be.
 

Walker

Admin
SF Social Media
SF Author
SF Supporter
#11
Hi there and welcome to the forum. We are glad to have you here.
What you describe is actually quite common. You don't feel like it is because you're missing some life experience but ... it's not that rare for people to feel the way that you do. Thing is, you can FEEL that way (that you want to do these things and say them to others) but you don't have to actually DO IT. You can feel this way but not act on it. You can actually say to these other people the way that you're feeling about the situation and they will respond better than threatening to kill yourself. (sometimes this works a little better when you are older and communication skills are a bit more honed in).
I hope that you stick around the site for a while and find some others to click with. There are others your age and the chat is sometimes a lot of fun. You are very welcome to hang around in the Cafe too, which is a light place to say hi every day and check in with others. See you around ok? Take care.
 

ary

Public Access
#12
Thank you so much for the warm welcome! I appreciate your words. I understand that there are better ways to approach this feeling... and now know not to act on it visously as I’ve done in the past.
 

ary

Public Access
#13
Thank you so much for taking the time to respond. I agree with you— the problems I have are difficult, but I am beyond grateful that this is happening at a young age. I have a lot of time on my hands, as you said.

And thank you for recommending a diagnosis... I feel like that be very helpful. Finding a name for what I feel and so is liberating in a way.
 

ary

Public Access
#14
You deserve life. You dont deserve to die and I add more to that, that not only do you deserve to live but I hope you find a light inside of you that you might not think is there but it is and you try to do your best to help others why getting help yourself and that light will shine, many will see that light inside of you here because I see it here past all the darkness, love you much :)
Thank you so much Marvel! <3
 

Walker

Admin
SF Social Media
SF Author
SF Supporter
#15
While it's easier said than done, at least you can recognize that it's an issue :) Keep posting ok? This place is pretty cool for the nature of the site..
 

Lestat

Well-Known Member
#17
These things are very common. I have been a victim a few times of girlfriends doing this and currently have a girl doing similar.
As someone who has this happen I can say that you don't deserve to die.

Call it whatever you like, manipulation or whatever you wish.. We all allow ourselves to be manipulated.i tend to be attracted to people like this for some reason... So maybe I'm partly to blame.

You sound like an aware person. This is very important to changing.

You just deserve love. You fear losing people and you do what you can to keep them.
 

ary

Public Access
#18
That's exactly what it is. But I always believe it goes both ways... on one hand, I didn't do it out of evilness or anything of the sort, but on the other, I should know better. I have made this mistake several times.
After being on this website for only a day I can feel myself changing. Reaching out to people is the best thing for me right now, and I'm forgiving myself more every day.

As for the girl.. I'm so sorry to hear that. I can confidently say that it is NOT your fault. Kind people attract broken people. You are not to blame for her negative actions. I sincerely hope you figure everything out!
 
Status
Not open for further replies.

Please Donate to Help Keep SF Running

Total amount
$70.00
Goal
$255.00
Top