My boyfriend lives with a brain damage and PTSD, the latter was something I discovered and made him seek help for. He's making some progress... He hasn't slept properly in years, and we both thought it was because of the PTSD and the nightmares... He has finally gone to his doctor about that. I thought it was just a case of getting some sleeping pills to help him stay asleep... The doctor sent him to a sleep study, which was a horrible experience for him. His PTSD involves a serious fear of hospitals. When he was a kid he had a near fatal biking accident and was put in an induced coma and spent a really long time in hospital. The hospital messed up and kept him in the coma for too long, causing his brain damage and other health issues. We spent a long time together trying to get him strong enough to go through with the sleep study, his therapist also gave him some tips to deal with it... his sister-in-law went with him to support him... I couldn't be there because we're in different countries... and that hurt so bad. One of his worst fears was that the study would show something more wrong with his brain... and it did. Basically a nerve in his brain is overactive and doesn't let his brain activity shut down at night. To say it short, he hasn't actually slept for 15 years. He has been given some pills that are basically going to try to calm that nerve but eventually he will have to undergo more brain surgery. He's so scared of the pills. I am trained as a healthcare service secretary and have worked at a hospital... a few nights ago when he picked up the pills he asked me to read up about the medicine to see if there was anything to worry about because he was freaking out... and he said "You know stuff!!" Ehm. I don't... I panicked. I did read up on it, and tried to stay calm on the outside for him and tried to get him to stop panicking... while I was drowning myself. He was very worried about the side effects, especially combined with his 'different' brain... I tried hard to stay professional and explained to him that often the side effects marked as rare or uncommon had to be added by law even if they might not even be caused by the drug etc. And I have told him to not take the pills before he was ready, emotionally. He's still very scared... Yesterday he was going to take the pills (at his parents house, even asking his dad to check up on him during the night). I thought it was a bit soon, but I trusted his judgement. It was too soon. I've just spent two hours trying to make him feel better about failing to take those pills and freaking out. What really hurts is that despite everything I told him, he wanted to rush into it for me... because 'I deserve for him to get better'... *sigh* I am still trying to pretend to be the strong one, even trying to make him laugh... I am so so happy we're only chatting right now and he can't see my face because I'm crying. It's too much now. I am not the strong one. Last night I couldn't sleep, I was so worried about what would happen... both if he didn't take the pills and would feel bad about himself, and what if he took the pills and despite my judgement got sick? I didn't handle it well... I started one of the weirdest forms of self-harming I've ever done... I tried to break my fingers. One of my fingers really hurts today (it's not broken though)... I just... I couldn't deal with it.