I suffer from many things others here do but its multiplied.

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by TheBLA, Oct 11, 2006.

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  1. TheBLA

    TheBLA Well-Known Member

    I've noticed a lot of people here being depressed/suicidal/ranting about things such as having few or no friends, being very shy, having been bullied in grade school, very inward focused, not having accomplished much as others, not being as sucessful, feeling like a failure.

    Problem with me is, that I suffer from all of them, and its much worse. Like, I haven't had friends for many, many years, just sticking with my parents and little brother. All I've done my life is play videogames, watch TV, computer, etc. 19 years old, really pathetic. Everyone else is better than me, the people I know are all better than me at everything. Why do I have to be the most inferior person on the planet? Inferior to every one damn it?

    Well, it sounds as though I'm belittling the problems of others aren't I? I'm just ranting right now, so I'm probably not making much sense and apologize if I hurt anyone's feelings. Its just that I have to be the biggest loser that was ever lived and I have to commit suicide, there can't be a bigger loser than me. I dunno if I can fix my problems. Everyone will say I have so much ahead of me, blah blah.

    I myself feel that life is alright and has its great things, but its just ME thats the problem, its just ME thats not fit for living. All these years of not having developed properly, not having friends, not going out, not doing anything has really made me a fucked up person not worthy of living in the real world, I don't have what it takes to survive.

    Should I give up or keep going? I know very well that at least my parents and little brother will be devastated by my loss. Is that enough for me not to commit suicide? I don't want them to suffer the loss of a loved one, I can only imagine the experience right now.

    People here will say stuff like "Oh, dont worry, I'm actually a bigger loser than you". Well, thanks for the words, but it really is me that the biggest loser. Now, is that my depressing activing telling me that or am I really the biggest loser? You all will say its the former but I think its the latter.

    What am I going to do? I can't give up can I? I should just keep fighting no matter what, try go go out and socialize and develop myself? Its so difficult and I feel that few if anyone can relate to me since I'm the only one with all of these ailments and being such a big loser.

    I wanted to say that yes, I absolutely love videogames, computers, comics and animation to death. I don't want to truly die, I want to live, I want to be happy. But I already have given up hope because I am so abnormal and so developmentally fucked up that I can't survive in this sort of world. If you guys would please perhaps go to wikipedia.com and look up hikikomori, that would sorta describe the hole I am in.
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 11, 2006
  2. i can actually relate to that, having spent my entire childhood alone watching TV & playing computer games. i have no social skills whatsoever, extreme fear of people, and other ugly stuff. the thing that has helped me the most is meditation practice, so i would recommend that to you. i think its the only thing that can improve your life in any real way [it has nothing to do with religion, i hate religion]
  3. TheBLA

    TheBLA Well-Known Member

    Maybe, I just dunno, feeling depressed right now. Gotta go and do some homework and stuff.

    I do know that I just suffer from depression, nothing else, just depression, because of how pathetic I am.

    I'm serious, thats all I've really done, computer, videogames, TV and I've loved those three but in the end, its caused me to be a messed up person. Who'd want to be friends with or marry someone whose just done that all this life? One who has no personality, nothing interesting?

    I have to commit suicide, I don't know when, but I'm pretty sure I'll have to, as all of my relatives and other people my age I know grow up, get jobs, start families, have sucessfull happy careers and lives whereas I'll be still playing my videogames all alone and pathetic.

    I know its strange to have already given up hope but still................its just so hard once you've missed the critical development stages as a child and adolescent you know?

    Like the feral kids and others who were locked up and abused, they are scarred and fucked up for the rest of their lives because they didn't develop properly as children. Neither have I, and so, I'm disabled, a fucking retard but nobody will think that because I'm different from all the other mentally disabled people, I am in a loser class of my fucking own. :sad: :sad: :sad:
  4. claycad

    claycad Well-Known Member

    You have that, and that is probably more than a lot of people have.

    I don't know what may have happened to you to cause you to feel the way you do, but I don't feel that any human being is any inferior then any other human being. It is just depression that is telling you that.

    I look at it like the old analogy of the angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other...we all have both. In some cases the devil wins and beats us down and no matter how hard the angel tries to pick us back up the devil is stronger...if that makes any sense to anyone else, I don't know.

    Second, you life almost sounds EXACTLY like mine. While I have had people in my life I've been able to share a laugh with long ago, I don't know if I would call them friends. A friend is someone you can confide in, trust, share your feelings with etc. So I have never truly had a friend either. While I have a good relationship with my family I am very distant from them, probably not even as close to my family as you are to yours. All I do is play video games...speaking of, are you into Nintendo Emulators, I love them!...anyway watch TV and movies and chat on the internet. I lead a very depressing and lonely life so don't assume nobody knows how bad it is for you...I know and I'm sure many others know.

    I'm 24 so I have endured these feelings for even longer than you. I feel like I am over coming them though. I remember being 19 and feeling like I was completely hopeless. Now, for the first time in 24 years I feel hopeful. I don't know if I will get better or if I even am getting better, maybe it is just a delusion my therapist is planting in my head. Either way, I feel hopeful and that is something. So hang in there for a while longer, there is hope. I feel I am a little sliver of proof of that.
  5. nicesinging1

    nicesinging1 Well-Known Member

    Hey, Rahul. I can relate to what you are feeling. I am so beyond feeling depressed and suicidal that I have a habit of looking at the sky and engaging in self-talk about all the things I have been through and my future. Considering the magnitude of things I have been through, I should have died by now. That is how I believe in my heart. But for some reason, I survived and am still living although still in enormous pain and miseries.
    I keep feeling the same way u do. I feel like I have already been through things no one should go through. And that is enough reason why I should die. Still, I can't bear the feeling of pains, sufferings I will cause to my family members.
    These days, I have been looking up at sky and saying the following. "Dear God, why can't u just make me a ordinary, average person with no major, fatal problems? I don't care about rich or fame. Is that really too much to ask?"
    Best of wishes and please be strong to get through this.

  6. lebigmac

    lebigmac Well-Known Member

    nkrukato, I can totally relate. For me, it got to a point where all through high school I would just get home, lock myself in my bathroom (it was the quietest place I could find) and stare at the wall all night, pretending to do homework. On weekends, while everyone else was out partying, I was in bed. Needless to say, I didn't have many friends, and the ones I did have just gave up on me eventually. I don't blame them. They did everything they could.

    All I can say to you, dude, is at least you've got something. Watch as much T.V. as you want, play computer games until you develop carpal tunnel. Don't be like me. My life consists of going to class, coming back to my dorm room, studying a bit, sleeping, and finding time to eat in between. Like you, I've often felt like giving up. Probably the only thing that's kept me from swalling a pistol so far is fear of the unknown. Here's to living the daily grind.
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 13, 2006
  7. TheBLA

    TheBLA Well-Known Member

    Your life is like mine as well lebigmac, 2nd year college student, going to class, eating, sleeping, studying, and then doing the things I love like surfing the internet, videogames, computers, etc. Don't socialize at all.
    I wish I could know why I am the ONLY FUCKING one thats like this and EVERYONE FUCKING else is so normal and happy? Why did it have to be ME!? :sad:

    I think about suicide and then I worry about that happens after death. My depression is bothering my family, their wasting money in me visitng my psychologist whereas other people don't have to. I'm just a fucking burden. My parents turned out to be very great, why did they have to raise such a loser son like me though? All of my relatives and my parent's friend's children are all perfectly normal and happy, why am I the ONLY one that is so abnormal and screwed up!? WHY!?!?!?

    I'm feeling very scared, very anxious about my future. I already feel very depressed that my life so far has been such a waste, so empty. Never going to parties, never going to high school prom, never having a girlfriend, never joining clubs or extracurricular activities. I am a loser. And if I commit suicide, I'm going to be even more of a loser aren't I? I feel so stuck. I've allowed myself to rot in this condition for so long, I dunno if I can change (though I know all of you say I can and hope I will). I'm the only one suffering from depression and suicidal thoughts (out of all the people I know, like my relatives at least). Why did I have to end up this way? As a child, I never would have imaging I'd turn out this way. I have to be the biggest loser alive, I just have to be.

    I dunno anymore, I'm so scared and worried, and everyone else around me is so happy, optimitic for the future, I'm the only freaking fuck up. I'm trapped in this suffering and despair and I dunno if I can get out, its so hard.....Sigh.........................................
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 13, 2006
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