I suppose I should say why I have been feeling the way I do.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by ZombiePringle, Aug 18, 2009.

  1. ZombiePringle

    ZombiePringle Forum Buddy and Antiquities Friend

    I know a lot of you on here realize that I've been in pretty bad shape as of late but I'm not sure if you realize why. I guess it can start out in my childhood where I was raised without my father around ever. I was abused physically and emotionally for most of my childhood. Nowadays I have 2 kids one of which haven't seen in 3 years, not by my choice but because his mother disappeared on me. When I think about this I worry that my son thinks of me as I think of my own father... the type of father that doesn't care about his son. My other kid I live with along with my girlfriend (the mother of my daughter) Lately I feel as if I have failed them, I couldn't afford to pay all the bills so we had to move in with my girlfriends grandfather. I couldn't even support my family. I'm just incredibly worthless. I'm just a nuisance to all those around me. I can't be in groups of people because my anxiety gets so bad so I'm forced to miss all of my girlfriends family functions so they all think that I feel I am too good for them. which is definitley not it. I don't want to put anybody through the burden of being in my prescence. Nobody should have to even endure a minute of being around me. I'm just a worthless, lazy, good for nothing failure. I fail at everything I do. I would go on further but I'm sure this is even too much.
     
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    This isn't too much. I knew you'd been struggling, but I had no idea why. So I'm glad you posted.

    You're not a failure. You're doing the best you can. It's hard right now to support ANYONE, let alone a GF and a child. You aren't worthless or a nuisance. I've dealt with anxiety before, and so I know that there are times when it's hard to be around people because it gets out of control.

    I'm really glad you're still around. People care about you, and your kids need you. Hopefully someday soon you'll get to see the child you haven't seen in three years. You'll get the chance to tell him you're not like your father was.
     
  3. elvinchild

    elvinchild Well-Known Member

    First off, I agree with WildCherry - You're not a failure, in fact YOU are not the problem at all. You had a difficult upbringing and now you are suffering because of it, but change is possible.

    What I wanted to say was that I think there is hope for you and your son who you have not seen for 3 years. A friend of mine lived with his mother and had no memories of his true father - he grew up with his mother and step-father. But he had a burning urge to meet his real father. He finally was able to get the chance this year after 21 years of being without his father. They really hit it off and got along. He had no resentment whatsoever.

    You have not abused your son in anyway, so I think its very possible that he does not hold anything against you and wants you back in his life as much as you want him back.
     
  4. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I don't see you as a failure..You are young and things are tuff.. As long as you keep trying you'll never be a failure..That only happens when you give up.. Love your girlfriend and your daughter and take each day one at a time..You will find your rewards as your daughter grows.. Hopefully one day you will be able to meet your son..I also have another child but never got a chance to find out who or what he/she is.. The girl I was with back then took off and moved back home so I never had the chance..
     
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    God money who gives a dam i lived without a father and i am telling you it was hell. I lived in poverty nothing to wear to eat but at least my mother tried she did not run off like he did. A child needs to be loved by both parents
    enjoy your daughter now it doesn't take money to do this. Take her out park take her for walk spend time with her now. As for your son keep a log about your feelings of what you felt on his birthdays etc and when you do find him and meet him you will have all the things you wanted to say to him in writing.
    Live for today with your girlfriend and daughter because im telling you too soon she will grow and what a great gift you could give her a gift of happy memories of time you and her and her mother spent in happiness together.
     
  6. ZombiePringle

    ZombiePringle Forum Buddy and Antiquities Friend

    I guess I might not be fully worthless but I know there is so much more I could do to make sure I can support my family. Like maybe getting a job on the weekends or something. I should do everything I can to make sure they have everything. I've even cut down on my food a lot of the times to make sure my girlfriend and daughter get the types of food they like best. I could even cut my food back even more to fully make sure of it. There's just so much I'm not doing for them and it makes me feel like a failure. If I was supporting them the way I should be we wouldn't be stuck living with her grandpa where I get harrassed for being a failure as does my girlfriend. I mean they are right. If I hadn't fallen behind so bad on bills I wouldn't have had to move them in with her grandpa and we would be in our own place again. but I can't even manage that. I'm called lazy all the time because of the way I act when I'm there. I just have no motivation to do much around there. I know I can't keep living like this. At least if I die they will be financially okay with my life insurance and my daughter would get ssi because of it. so basically they would be better off financially without me.